The wait is over

Well, the two week wait is over and the test was negative.  Four days later my new cycle started.  I couldn't wait for it to begin, so I could enjoy a glass of wine!  I still wasn't going to drink just in case the test was wrong.  But Wednesday came and Wednesday night the sound of a bottle cracking open was enjoyed by my ears for the first time in over a month!

I was feeling hopeful about this cycle for a few days.  I went to my weekly acupuncture appointment and when he felt my pulse he said there was something different about it.  Apparently, a pre-menstrual pulse feels different to a conceived pulse, and mine felt different than usual to him.  He wasn't committing to anything of course, but he told me to wait a couple of days and then do a test.  Which is what I did.  Lucky he didn't commit to anything!!

 

 

On Wednesday, I also had my appointment with my ayuvedic masseuse.  It was another good appointment.  A lot of what he did last time had held in my body and he was really pleased especially to see that my hips had stayed open and I was laying flat on the table, not slightly out of alignment.  This is an important one for fertility so I was really pleased to have maintained that. 

My energy had also stayed in alignment and my balance was good.  As a result, he was able to look further into my body.  According to him, my uterus was inflamed so he  worked on that.  I did ask him how much that could be because I was on Day 1.  And while that does affect it, it was not the sole reason.

He doesn't think I am far off being able to conceive.  I see him again in a month.  Every little bit helps.  But I am hoping that his work with him will make a big difference.

I go for acupuncture again today plus a painful massage treatment!  I put my back out last week, so I made the appointment longer to get some treatment on it.  It feels almost better now so this last treatment should do the trick!

Of course I am disappointed to be starting another cycle but it just seems to be part of the course of life now and I'm moving on.  Had we conceived this time though, we would have been able to announce our pregnancy at our engagement party in 2 months time!  That would have been fun!  Nevermind.  On to the next!

Day 20 and the 2-3WW

 

 

 

 

It's Day 20 and the 2-3WW has begun yet again.  Here we go!!

Ayuveda

One week ago I went to see my ayuveda masseur.  The man is a god-send! 

I made the appointment a couple of months (he is hard to get into!) knowing that I needed an energy balancing.  Things weren't right and in the past he has been able to balance my energy beautifully.  

It was a great session.  Apparently my physical energy was going in a completely different direction to my spiritual energy.  No wonder I have felt so out of sorts and unbalanced.  The next day I was feeling much better -  more peaceful and centred and calmer.  And best of all, my addictive thinking had gone.  I can't even begin to describe how bad things have been in that regards over the last few months.  It's been out of control and making me utterly miserable for my complete lack of ability to do anything about it.  But two weeks ago I did.  I went to the one man who I know helps me.

He also worked on my fertility, clearing away a blockage and opening up hips.  Apparently my hips have been rolling inward which puts pressure on the ovaries.  He gave me an exercise to keep my hips open and rolled out to where they should be, which D has to help me with.

I see him again in a month to see how things are going.

The last week has been crazy with State Music Camp.  It's in the school holidays and involves me getting to work earlier, getting up earlier and driving further everyday.  That plus D also having an unusually busy week, we haven't done the exercise and I am starting to feel myself backsliding.  I've mentioned it to D and we are going to set up the massage table tonight so we can do it.  I'm looking forward to seeing if that shifts things back again.

I'm still amazed at the session and his ability to pinpoint the exact things that I needed.  It was exactly the session I was hoping it would be!  I'm looking forward to seeing the results and I'm looking forward to my appointment next month!

Getting away

My coincidence, or design (!), D and I are able to get away to our property in the country this weekend.  It's cold and wet, but we don't care.  We can't wait to get there and freeze our wet asses off!! 

We will freeze in the cold caravan but we don't care because we are going to curl up in bed together and watch a movie on D's tiny little E-Reader. 

We are going to be stomping around in the muddy ground, but we don't care because we have galoshes.

We are going to have to try to find wood in the dark when we arrive, but we don't care because we will use our new chainsaw.  And if we can't find dry wood, then we won't care because we will curl up in bed early and laugh and talk and have fun together.

It's cold and wet, but we don't care because it will probably mean we will be there by ourselves (without the other partners in the property being there with their 4 kids, 2 dogs, 6 quadbikes and sometimes grumpy demeanour).  It will just be the two of us in the peace and quiet surroundings of the middle of nowhere nature.

I can't wait.  I see this as being a good start back on the track of my life as I want it to be.  A good start out of the slump of not just this week, but the last two weeks.  A clean slate.  Fresh clean air to blow away the staleness and stagnant thoughts and to bring in calm, peaceful, positive new ones.  The true thoughts of my soul!

The two of us together in one of our favourite places in the world.  What bliss!

On the up.

I'm starting along the upward path now.  The sense of loss has mostly gone and I'm heading back to my normal self. 

Just in time for D too, because his chronic fatigue has been building the last couple of days and tonight he came home in a bad way.  I was so glad I had improved over the afternoon and had tidied the house, washed the dishes, put through and hung up 5 loads of laundry and had started the dinner.  It makes such a difference to him when he can come home and feel a sense of being looked after with things under control at home.  He was able to have a sleep for 30 minutes and then have dinner.  He is already feeling better and it's good to see.

I've made an appointment with both Queen Naturo and King Acupunc for next week - back to back!

I also have an appointment with my ayuvedic man.  Coincidence that it is next week.   He is hard to get into and I made the appointment weeks ago!  But I've been thinking that perhaps that might be a way to go for a while.  He also has a good reputation with fertility.  We'll see.

Anyway, I am grateful I am feeling better.  Once again, thank you so much everyone for all your support.  I am sorry I haven't been able to reply individually or to head over to your sites and provide my support to you.  But I will asap.  It is a wonderful network we have with our blogs and I am grateful for it.

Emotions

Amongst a confusing array of emotions that I just can't work out - I'm feeling a strong sense of loss this morning.  Loss for the possibilities I guess.  Loss of the dream, of the hope that built up over the last few days.  A loss of belief too, I think.

I know it will pass.  Just as all our emotions pass as long as we feel them and acknowledge them.  But now I'm at a loss!  I just don't know what to do. 

So, I write here...

I thank you all so much for your support.  It's made it so much easier.  Thank you...

And in a few minutes, I will shower and get ready for work.

My walk this morning was good.  It cleared away some energy.  I only have a short day today and then I go and help D clean and organise his office.  I enjoy doing that.  I'm looking forward to it!

Red wine rules!

My mid-morning my new cycle had begun and along with it came anger.  I was so angry that my period had hung off just long enough for enough for us to have those three hopeful minutes waiting for the pregnancy test.

I'm still a bit angry but thankfully that emotion is  slowly dissipating.  I'm so frustrated.  I don't know what to do or how to feel.  The logical brain says everything is as it should be, live in the moment, blah, blah, blah.  The other side of brain wants to scream and yell and say WTF!!!  Any infertility diagnosis is terrible.   Unexplained infertility is exasperating.

Nothing like being able to enjoy a glass of red wine though.  I miss red wine.  Most of the time I don't think about.  It's been a long time now not drinking except for the first few days of my cycle.  But every now and then, particularly when socializing, I miss it greatly.  So, tonight I get to indulge that favourite pastime.  It's a good glass of red from D's cold room at his work.  Just divine!