Day 1

It’s Day 1 today.  I’m still having those uncomfortable uterine pains which I relate to my last pregnancy, but upon googling others experiences of post-miscarriage PMS, it all seems fairly normal.

It can take 3-4 months for the body to return to normal.  Until then, the symptoms can often make you feel as though you may be pregnant again.  Which is exactly what I am experiencing.  It is quite different to my usual PMS and period pain.  For me, as with some other women who have written over the net, I am experiencing lower back pain, cramping which is more like a constant dull ache or stretching sensation, nausea, mild breast tenderness and tiredness.  All of which, can be symptoms of pregnancy!  It can all be so confusing!

Last cycle, I began experiencing these things right after ovulation.  This time, they started about a week ago, along with a mood change of feeling quite sad one morning, which is a common PMS thing for me. 

The positive thing is that this is a 30 day cycle.  Having always had irregular cycles - , they can be anything from 30 – 36 days - having a 30 day cycle is a good sign for me.  I still have the hope that having experienced a pregnancy, my body has been reminded on what it has to do and is making the changes already.

As for what to do next, I have had enough of waiting to get pregnant.  I’m getting in with the OB asap!

A response!

Two posts in one day.  This one is in answer to Anita, who wrote a comment to my post The Journey Through.

I’ve always appreciated Anita’s comments and concern and support for our journey.  I value her on-line friendship greatly.  In this comment, she expressed her concern over my physical and emotional trials and wondered if it wasn’t time that I get on with fertility treatments and “get on with the business of being a wife and mom! :)”

She was writing this comment, just as I was writing my last post “Again???”, which came with a much more healed and renewed approach!

I started to write a response and after about 5 paragraphs, realised it was much more than a comment and has now morphed into this post documenting where we are with our thinking on fertility treatments!!

 

We had just started the fertility treatment process, when I got pregnant naturally.  It was amazing!  We were so excited.  Even though it didn’t work out, we have found renewed hope that we can do this naturally.  So we have decided to give it just a couple of months to see if it can happen again!

I so don't want to go through all the hormone treatments of fertility.  I know I will struggle with them, with the emotions and the time, and all else that goes with it.  Ultimately though, I will do anything of course, but just a couple of months of trying is the right choice for us now.  It will be good!

In retrospect, we are very happy that we got pregnant before going too far into the process with the OB that we saw.  I didn't like him!  He was very negative about getting pregnant over 40 and I don't need that attitude or the energy that he gave out.  We have another name of an OB now (a female), recommended by our doctor, and will go with her if unsuccessful this month and the next.  This will also take me closer to the end of the year and the summer break, which will be much easier to handle.

While I don't like the emotions/physical things that have been happening, I do see them as an important growth process for me, just as they were last time – 12 years ago.  I realised last night that I haven't binged for nearly three weeks now.  I feel the changes that are happening in my life, and I'm so glad.  Things are on the improve.

Thank you so much Anita for your concern and your support!   

Love and light

xx

Again??

Today I find myself wondering yet again “Am I pregnant?”  I’ve been having trouble sleeping the last few nights and I have sharp lower back pains.  Considering I have been sleeping really well for two weeks now and haven’t had lower back pains since I don’t know when – I am wondering.

Gosh, is every symptom in this two week wait going to make me thing maybe I am!

The difference now from a few months ago, is that I have been pregnant.  Before then, we had given up any hope that I was going to conceive naturally.  Now there is hope.  Now I have experienced what it was like for a just a few short weeks.  Now, I have some understanding of the symptoms.  Now I have faith again that it will happen.  In some ways, I am almost expecting it.  This is good!

Due to the lack of sleep, I am struggling to get through the day.  But once 3.30 rolls around, I intend to do a little bit of shopping for our dining table – which is always a fun thing to do and then go home and curl up in front the heater with the TV or a book and chill to the sound of the pouring rain.  I can’t wait.  That thought will get me through the day!!!

The journey through.

Well, we are back in the two week wait once again.  Last cycles thoughts of being pregnant again didn’t come to fruition.  Which in retrospect, was good.  We wanted to wait a cycle just to get things back to normal. 

I’ve been struggling a lot with panic attacks, anxiety and the desire to do anything at all.  The chest pains from the panic attacks have been strong and scary and it has been all I could do just to get through the days.

However, things are starting to pick up again. 

I believe that a lot of the reasons for my anxiety, aside from the obvious – miscarriage, work etc - has been the cycle of unhealthy eating due to stress which causes unhealthy eating with causes stress and on and on.  But my body has finally said “that is enough, take these chest pains to scare you back to eating well and reducing your stress levels.” 

I’ve been through this before – exactly the same thing happened when my body decided it was time I gave up smoking.  Those pains and anxieties (which are the same as now) saw me going to the doctors, specialists and having ECG’s.  Everything was fine.  I know what is happening.

Once again it has worked.  Two weeks ago, through fear, I could only eat the food basics.  Even then, the pains would come back, but each day they were diminishing.  To make matters worse, Dave was away for the week for work, so I was on my own trying to handle it all.  But I got through it – one step closer to being better.

I also made a big decision and resigned from the Flute Society – which was a big volunteering commitment on my part.  In many ways it was an important part of being active in the flute world, almost an obligation.  A thing that if you didn’t do, it put you in the bad books.  But I caught up with the President for coffee and explained to her what was going on and she was most understanding and helpful in making it all happen.  The weight that lifted off my shoulders from doing this was amazingly significant!

Last week,  with my chest pains diminished and less frequent, I introduced exercise again.  I took Maxy on walks at the beautiful Christies Creek Trail, which was wonderful for both of us!

This week, I hope to introduce the stepper again.  Being in the two week wait, I’m not quite game to go back to the gym.  I am concerned that starting up there again in the first weeks of pregnancy would not be good.  I know the equipment to avoid now, but still…  I’ll start there again if we aren’t successful this time around.

The problem post miscarriage is that you start looking back.  Even though you know it was nothing that you did, you start analysing.  Maybe it was the machines at the gym, maybe it was yoga classes, maybe it was the massage I had before I knew I was pregnant, maybe it was…  And so it goes on.  It was probably none of them.  It was nature.  But nevertheless, I can’t bring myself to go back to the gym during the two week wait.

So, after two weeks of gradually getting back on track, I am feeling much better.  It doesn’t take much for the chest pains to emerge again, but they are manageable and I am sleeping well.  I am still struggling somewhat with the daily grind, but I am back to enjoying pottering around the house and doing all the domestic chores.  And I feel such a sense of relief and letting go of the Flute Society.  Things are progressing.

Dave doesn’t understand my chest pains and anxiety, just like he doesn’t understand my eating disorder.  And I can’t seem to successfully explain it to him. I think it’s one of the those things that if you haven’t experienced it, you can’t understand it.  But that’s ok. Even though we can’t connect and talk about it the way I can with someone who has been through it, he is still supporting me just by being there and loving me.  I absolutely would not be surviving this without him.  He is my rock, my comforter, my strength, my shoulder to lean on (literally and figuratively!), my constant, my love.  “I love him to the core of my soul.”

Frustration

Today is the first day of my holidays.  I still have the accounting to do, but there is no more music camp or music course and no more school for 10 days.  The last week and a half were a real push.  I was pushing every second to get out of the house and then get through the day.  I am so grateful to be free for a little while.

The last two days of camp were good.  I enjoyed them and I felt my mood lift.  Then I realised that during that time I was starting to feel the pregnancy symptoms that I had before.  Lower abdomen cramping and sneezing.  And I started to think that I may be pregnant again.  Could that have explained my change in mood?

Then I learnt that it isn’t until after implantation that hcg levels begin to rise and pregnancy symptoms start appearing.  Today would only be day 6 after conception, if there is a conception, so it is highly unlikely.  But what are these symptoms I am having?

We had not intended to try again until the next cycle, to allow my body to get back to normal.  But for one afternoon, we felt great.  I was happy and relaxed and being together was wonderful.  We didn’t care about contraception. 

A couple of days earlier, I had wondered if I might have ovulated, but I wasn’t sure.  We both thought – what are the chances?  Not very good considering our history.  One in a billion.  Yet, here I am wondering if I’m pregnant, starting to “feel” pregnant (is it just in my head?) and, before a few hours ago, getting very excited.  Just the idea of being pregnant, feeling these symptoms again, such joy.

But now, I am just feeling depressed.  I saw the doctor today for another reason and talked to her about it.  In a week and a half, I will do a test.  At this stage, there would be no hcg levels.  No symptoms.  God, this waiting really sucks.

I was enjoying and looking forward to a few weeks of not worrying about conception.  Having a few drinks, painting the house, eating ham and soft cheese.  All the things I haven’t been doing!  Now, I don’t want to do that, just in case.

Just in case.  Am I destined for more disappointment in two weeks time?  At a time, that I am meant to be free of pregnancy thoughts for a little while.  It wasn’t intentional.  Just one of those things.  And it was a happy thing.  I wouldn’t take it back at all.  I wouldn’t make a different decision about whether or not to use contraception that glorious afternoon.  It was the right thing.

Well at the very least, I guess this is a step away from the miscarriage.  I just hope it is in the right direction.  Whatever way it works, I will always believe it is part of my journey.  Things happen as they are destined to and I’m tired of trying to understand why.  Just accept and hand it over.

First day of course.

Today was the first day of the flute school and after the morning tea break it was much better.  I don’t know what happened at the beginning, but I found myself teary and sad.  I know that last week I was having trouble getting back into life and perhaps this was the same thing.  This was a different part of my life that I had to “get back into”.  Perhaps it was that.  I don’t know.  But nevertheless, it passed!

Now I am exhausted.  I know that I always say it is much easier being a student than a teacher, but I am beat after today!!  2 hours of driving and a broken sleep could be adding to that too of course!

Anyway, just a quick post.  My piano is being tuned at the moment and it is driving me mad!!  The repetition of sound and the out of tune going into tune tones is sending a tired, musically exhausted brain completely batty!!  I will be glad when it is finished – in another hour.  aaaaahhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!

A better day.

This morning I woke up feeling normal!  No deep sadness, no anxiety pains.  I didn’t have the overwhelmingly sad dreams that I have been having every night.  Wow.  It feels so different. 

Unfortunately, Dave heads off on Monday for another week away.  This is the time of year that he has to travel.  It is just bad timing for me.  Last time he was away (last week) was when my anxiety kicked in, and that was just 2 nights.  Hopefully I will be fine. 

I have a flute course for the week, so it will be something different and I will be spending the day with colleagues listening to one of the “Gods” of the flute world rather than in a little room on my own teaching my students.  That has got to be better for me!   It is a lot of travel every day as it is in the city and I live in the outer suburbs but today, for the first time, I am looking forward to it. 

Today is my last teaching day for three weeks.  (Aside from one exam student during the holidays).  I am looking forward to my last student!  My three weeks “holidays” though are not holidays.  Next week – flute course.  The week after I am tutoring at music camp.  And the following week I have to get the EOFY accounting done. 

I really could do with a full week off, but I should be able to grab a few days here and there.  And if I go into Dave’s office to do the accounting, not only will I be with him, but I will be more focused and should get it done more quickly.

So, a better day today.  I am grateful.

Handing it over to God.  And Trusting.