Getting away

My coincidence, or design (!), D and I are able to get away to our property in the country this weekend.  It's cold and wet, but we don't care.  We can't wait to get there and freeze our wet asses off!! 

We will freeze in the cold caravan but we don't care because we are going to curl up in bed together and watch a movie on D's tiny little E-Reader. 

We are going to be stomping around in the muddy ground, but we don't care because we have galoshes.

We are going to have to try to find wood in the dark when we arrive, but we don't care because we will use our new chainsaw.  And if we can't find dry wood, then we won't care because we will curl up in bed early and laugh and talk and have fun together.

It's cold and wet, but we don't care because it will probably mean we will be there by ourselves (without the other partners in the property being there with their 4 kids, 2 dogs, 6 quadbikes and sometimes grumpy demeanour).  It will just be the two of us in the peace and quiet surroundings of the middle of nowhere nature.

I can't wait.  I see this as being a good start back on the track of my life as I want it to be.  A good start out of the slump of not just this week, but the last two weeks.  A clean slate.  Fresh clean air to blow away the staleness and stagnant thoughts and to bring in calm, peaceful, positive new ones.  The true thoughts of my soul!

The two of us together in one of our favourite places in the world.  What bliss!

On the up.

I'm starting along the upward path now.  The sense of loss has mostly gone and I'm heading back to my normal self. 

Just in time for D too, because his chronic fatigue has been building the last couple of days and tonight he came home in a bad way.  I was so glad I had improved over the afternoon and had tidied the house, washed the dishes, put through and hung up 5 loads of laundry and had started the dinner.  It makes such a difference to him when he can come home and feel a sense of being looked after with things under control at home.  He was able to have a sleep for 30 minutes and then have dinner.  He is already feeling better and it's good to see.

I've made an appointment with both Queen Naturo and King Acupunc for next week - back to back!

I also have an appointment with my ayuvedic man.  Coincidence that it is next week.   He is hard to get into and I made the appointment weeks ago!  But I've been thinking that perhaps that might be a way to go for a while.  He also has a good reputation with fertility.  We'll see.

Anyway, I am grateful I am feeling better.  Once again, thank you so much everyone for all your support.  I am sorry I haven't been able to reply individually or to head over to your sites and provide my support to you.  But I will asap.  It is a wonderful network we have with our blogs and I am grateful for it.

Emotions

Amongst a confusing array of emotions that I just can't work out - I'm feeling a strong sense of loss this morning.  Loss for the possibilities I guess.  Loss of the dream, of the hope that built up over the last few days.  A loss of belief too, I think.

I know it will pass.  Just as all our emotions pass as long as we feel them and acknowledge them.  But now I'm at a loss!  I just don't know what to do. 

So, I write here...

I thank you all so much for your support.  It's made it so much easier.  Thank you...

And in a few minutes, I will shower and get ready for work.

My walk this morning was good.  It cleared away some energy.  I only have a short day today and then I go and help D clean and organise his office.  I enjoy doing that.  I'm looking forward to it!

Red wine rules!

My mid-morning my new cycle had begun and along with it came anger.  I was so angry that my period had hung off just long enough for enough for us to have those three hopeful minutes waiting for the pregnancy test.

I'm still a bit angry but thankfully that emotion is  slowly dissipating.  I'm so frustrated.  I don't know what to do or how to feel.  The logical brain says everything is as it should be, live in the moment, blah, blah, blah.  The other side of brain wants to scream and yell and say WTF!!!  Any infertility diagnosis is terrible.   Unexplained infertility is exasperating.

Nothing like being able to enjoy a glass of red wine though.  I miss red wine.  Most of the time I don't think about.  It's been a long time now not drinking except for the first few days of my cycle.  But every now and then, particularly when socializing, I miss it greatly.  So, tonight I get to indulge that favourite pastime.  It's a good glass of red from D's cold room at his work.  Just divine!

A result

Well, the test was negative.  But still no period.  So, until such time as that occurs there is always the possibility that test was inaccurate.

I was so sure that this time would the one.  I have felt different the last couple of weeks.  I can't describe how, just different. 

But, I am also on a different regime of naturopathic medicine working on my hormones, so it is quite likely due to that.  Queen Naturo will probably not be happy with me having an extended cycle.  I will need to make an appointment with her soon.

The test said that if you still think you may be pregnant, wait three days before testing again .  So, in three days, if there is no period, I will test again.  And either way, head off to see QN.

I'm feeling ok with it.  Disappointed, frustrated, yes.  But ok.  Life will take us where it will.  And everything is as it should be.

Thank you all for your support.

Namaste.

Holding My Breath

It's Day 38 and I'm holding my breath.  I'm finding myself going to the toilet more often just to check!  Each day that passes gets us a little more hopeful.  D's mum has been with us the last few days so we've been waiting to do a pregnancy test.  She left yesterday and we got the test today.  If all stays as it is, then we will do the test tomorrow morning.  Eeeek!

I'm not sure how I am feeling.  Lots of emotions really, depending on the moment.  I'm eager to do the test, yet I am also happy to wait.  Each hour, each day that passes with no period is a good thing.  Doing the test and having a BPN will break the spell.  But a BFP...  well, just smiles all around!!  And then off to the doctors for confirmation, then to the naturopath for a change of herbs, the acupuncturist to make sure the pregnancy holds.

Oh dear.  Until tomorrow...

Options

D and I have just been made aware of a natural fertility clinic in our area.  I had never heard of it!  I am excited to know that there is somewhere else we can go for a second natural opinion if we choose to.  My belief in a natural solution is still strong and until the end of the year, it is the path that we are staying on. 

I haven’t been back to the fertility clinic since we were presented with the IVF booklet and the choice to take this path.  However, once our health fund waiting period is over at the end of the year, then if we still aren’t pregnant, we will start the roller coaster IVF path but with a different clinic.  Once the waiting period is over we will be able to choose our OBGYN, not simply take whoever we are given in the public system.  We were also told about a wonderfully successful clinic in Melbourne and wonder if we may choose to go interstate to do IVF.  It would be difficult but by the sounds of their results, highly worthwhile.

Anyway, that is several months away yet and may not even be needed. (fingers crossed)

I will need to get over my feelings of disloyalty to Queen Naturo and King Acupunc if we choose to get a second opinion at the natural fertility clinic.  These two people are more than just our naturopath and acupuncturist, over the last few years they have become friends.  I have the utmost faith in them and and feel thoroughly nurtured and taken care of in their care. 

However, I am also 41 years old and have been trying to conceive for about 14 months now.  I am wondering if this is working.  I need to look at any option available.

I am in the last week of the two week wait.  Any decisions will wait until I know one way or the other for this cycle.

I plan on returning to acupuncture treatments next cycle.  It will be two cycles that I have taken a break on this and I am ready to return to it again. 

An anniversary weekend.

D and I treated ourselves to a night at the Grand Hotel for our anniversary this year, courtesy of a birthday gift from my parents.  Thanks Mum and Dad!  It was just awesome!

We had a wonderful time and, wouldn’t you know it, it was right on ovulation time!  Woohooo!!

We had heaps of fun with our camera!  Check out my 52 Projects post for this week for some of the results of our exposure photography.

The weekend turned out to be cold, wet and dreary.  So our plans of walking along the oceanside and down the main street were dashed.  Instead we played with the camera doing really silly shots as well as the exposure photography.   But for this post, I just put up a nice photo of us in our room!


D LOVED the showerhead in the bathroom.  He just HAD to take a photograph of it and plans to install the exact same one in our shower at home!  Crazy man!