Follow up test

After a stressful couple of days, todays test results show that our pregnancy is progressing really well!!!  HCG levels have gone from 99 two days ago, to 265 today - they've nearly tripled!!

I am SO relieved!  We are still pregnant!

It's been a tough two days.  Once the initial excitement were off, I started worrying.  Please, please, please embies, keep growing, snuggle in, HCG levels keep rising.  I've been so scared.  I've been really trying not to but it's just been there.  Waiting for these results have been so much harder than waiting for the initial result saying we were pregnant.  It felt like there was so much more at stake.

And then I started spotting a little.  The leftover crinone began releasing with specks of colour in it.  Mostly the colour was brown, but sometimes it wasn't so brown.  And then today I started spotting more.  Once again though, mostly old blood.  The times when it wasn't quite brown absolutely terrified me.

And the results took so long to come in.  I was expecting them by 2 pm at the latest.  They didn't come in till 5 pm.  It's been a tough day.  But finally they arrived and I couldn't believe the number.  265!!!

The nurse said not to worry about the spotting.  The crinone release is normal and as long as the blood is old it is all good.  As for the couple of times I felt it wasn't quite old, she said is could be anything.  Implantation blood even.  Shes taken note of it and will follow up on Monday but she said not to worry.  That my levels were terrific.  And we are doing everything that needs to be done.  She said go away and have a relaxing Easter!  Things are progressing well.

I go in again on Monday for a final follow up blood test.  That one should be around 1000 in hcg levels.  So fingers crossed.

A friend said today that I just need to trust.  TRUST.  It is a good word.  A reassuring word.  A word of faith and belief.  A word of confidence.  A word of peacefulness, serenity, love.  I like it.

This afternoon I started wearing around my wrist, the pouch of buddhist prayers my dear friend brought back from Japan with me.  It is the one that I had with me on our wedding day, and I took with me to both the egg harvest and embryo transfer.  It really helped me to settle down a little this afternoon.  And I guess it brought with it Trust and Faith.

It is still on my wrist!

So now I go away with Trust in my heart and soul and know that once again we are progressing well through each step of the IVF process.

It worked!

I know its early days BUT......................

I'm pregnant!!!!!!!

It worked!

YEAAAAAAAAA!

Okay, now that the excitement is expressed....  the details!

I got tested a day early for two reasons - I had to call the clinic about another matter and earlier in the day I cheated and took a home pregnancy test which was positive!   The funny story is that the nurse guessed I had taken the test!  I asked her how long the pregnyl stays in your system because I wondered if maybe I was getting a false positive.  She answered my question and then said "You took a pregnancy test didn't you??!!"  LOL  :):)  When I told the nurse yes, she said, "Well, lets get you tested a day early!" 

My HCG levels were 99 - which is great.  My estrogen and progesterone levels are also good.  The nurse even started talking about my 6 week scan and my due date and, wow, I couldn't believe it!

The next step is another test in two days to see if the the pregnancy is developing as it should.  And then I will have another follow up next week.  The prayers will continue and the fingers will still be tightly crossed for the next week(s).

It worked! We made it to this the biggest step along the journey.  Yes, there are still more steps to go before we are safe.  None of my pregnancies have made it passed 6 weeks, but so far so fantastic!!

My other pregnancies were natural conceptions.  This one feels better because good embryos were selected, I'm being monitored and I'm on drugs to assist the pregnancy.

Part of me is scared to be excited.  Another part of is so relieved!  I'm pregnant.  All that I've gone through is, so far, paying fruition.  I think I will stick with the excited emotion for a while and run with it.  I'm going to talk to my baby/babies and keep encouraging them to grow.  I'm going to keep doing my golden white light meditations.

The journey isn't over but we've finally made it this far!

Thank you, thank you!

Two more days

Two more sleeps till our pregnancy blood test.  The wait is driving me mad.  We are now at the stage where I could do a home test, but with the chance of false readings from all the hormones, I am hesitant to do so.  Of course, being at this stage also means that every time I go to the toilet I have my fingers crossed that things are still staying positive.

I assume the clinic waits an extra couple of days past the two weeks just to see what happens, to make sure that there has been no period.  But it's torture for me!!!  :)

It's been a few days since I posted, so a quick update...

Friday saw me laying down in the car on the way to a funeral for Logans paternal grandmother with really sharp pains in my belly/uterus.  They were either from running around too much getting ready or possibly they were implantation cramps.  Hopefully they were implantation pains!  Either way they were most uncomfortable and prevented from being able to take care of Logan properly.  Mum stepped in as his other main babysitter and held him for me.

Dave didn't want me taking any risks in holding him and putting strain on my abdominal muscles and uterus.  I was okay for a little while, but it didn't take long to start to hurt. The pain lasted until I was able to get home and rest.

Over the weekend, I have developed pains similiar to menstrual pains.  It is frustrating that pregnancy pains and period pains can be the same!  However, these pains I usually only feel when I am acutally bleeding and as I'm not.....,  my fingers are still crossed.  I've also woken up throughout the night with nausea, not to a vomiting stage or anywhere near that, just an unpleasant nausea feeling.  Then it goes once I fully awaken in the morning.  It is too early to be feeling morning sickness, so I'm not sure what that means.

I had trouble on my walk yesterday.  I was huffing and puffing up a very slight incline that I wouldn't normally think about and I slowed down as the walk progressed.  I do feel quite lethargic.  But once again, that doesn't necessarily mean pregnancy.  Whatever is going on in my body, it is going through a lot and tiredness, I guess, is to be expected.

So, I live in a state of fear, hopefullness, unsure, positivity, back to fear.  It just goes on and on.  Other times, I place my hands on my belly and talk to my embies and try and get any sensations of them being there and growing.  Sometimes I think I am aware of something, an energy, an awareness.  But who knows.  I had the same feeling before and things didn't work out in the end.  I stay hopeful though.

Staying centered

6 more sleeps till testing day!  I could test on Monday but they have warned us that with all the hormones we, that is I!!!, am taking, it is possible to get a false positive with a home pregnancy test.  So its best to wait and do the blood test with them.

I fluctuate between fear and confidence. 

There is a part of me that knows this is the one and that is the part that I try and stay connected to.  There are no assurances and I know us succeeding will defy the odds (thus the fear), but this cycle has gone perfectly.  There have been no complications and there have been 10 signs of encouragement that I have written about over several posts this week!!

All of me knows how much I will thrive as a mother.  My whole world will change for the better.  My whole self will change for the better.  I look forward to rising to the challenges and to taking care of a little soul.  And yes, I even look forward to the tiredness because our little being(s) will bring so much joy and love and completeness. 

This is what gets me through the days, this knowing, this feeling of being centered and calm.  And when the fear comes up, I move inside myself and feel the joy of being pregnant whether I am or not.  I focus on our little embryos and I picture them burrowed into my uterine wall, peaceful and content and growing rapidly!

Today

One week left to go in the 2WW.  It seems like forever.

I'm healing well now and able to do most things but of course, I'm being careful.  J and Logan came to visit for a few hours today.  I loved having them here.  I was careful with how I picked him up but by the end, I was sore and tired and was ready to lay down.  I don't think I can do a full day babysitting on Monday.  But it is a few days away yet.  I will be healed even more by then.

I woke up this morning with nausea and my moods aren't the best.  Crinone and Pregnyl combined I guess.  The clinic rang today to follow up with how I was.  Really, I'm doing well.  It's just a tough process to go through.

I've been thinking today about all that my body and emotions have gone through in the last few months.  Two miscarriages and ICSI round.  Tough on both.  I'm tired.

I was hoping Dave would be home by the time I have to leave tonight.  But he has to work late.  So, I'm about to give myself the clexane injection.  It's harder to get into the skin than the IVF drugs and boy does it leave a mark!  If you looked at stomach now, you would think I was a junkie!

I really needed the support of Dave here tonight.  But of course, I will be fine.  I will get myself injected, fed and off to my meeting with no problems.  I just don't feel like I'm coping very well right now.  And I'm finding the 2WW really stressful as well.  I'm scared.  I really need it to work this time around.

Always seeking the Love and Light....

xx

A funny thing...

A funny thing happened today.

Yesterday, one of my students called me to say that she had a simulated baby for the next few days and she would have to bring it to the lesson.  She was worried about what would happen in the lesson if she had to take care of it.  I told her no worries, I could hold it, feed it etc, while she played.  All good!

Fortunately, the baby was awake but quiet the whole lesson, so no problems.

However, at lunchtime we had flute ensemble rehearsal.  My student had fed and changed the baby before the rehearsal, so I thought it might be all good.  5 minutes later baby is crying and wants to be fed again. 

So, I found myself standing in front of my ensemble, fake baby in my arms, feeding it with the fake bottle!  It was hilarious!  Once the girls got over laughing, we got on with the rehearsal, with me counting and singing their parts rather than conducting!

I have to admit.   When she brought the baby into the her lesson, all I wanted to do was hold it!  A fake baby!  Cluck, cluck, cluck!! 

I've occassionally had a simulated baby in lessons before, but do you think this counts as good sign Number Ten!

After rehearsal, one of the girls said "You look so natural holding the baby!"  Aww, shucks!!  :):)

A new symptom and some relief!

I had to call the clinic today because, just to add to the list of side effects and things I have to take, I have developed thrush!  I was worried about what that would do to the potential pregnancy and what I could take to treat it.  In the past, the only thing that has worked for me has been the one dose tablet, the creams have never been successful.  However I can't take the tablet, I have to do the cream, so fingers crossed it works.  That means in the morning I do the thrush cream and in the evening the crinone.  Ah, the things we do!!  I was warned it might all be a little messy.  Ooooooo!!

I am just completely relieved that the thrush infection will not harm the embryos.  The nurse said that some women do get thrush as a result of all the hormones we are taking.  I haven't experienced it before so something different yet again for this cycle!  I found it amazing how every cycle has been so different.  Our bodies are just incredible works of art!

It was really good to talk to the nurses today after having the weekend with no contact.  I guess I built up a few questions without realising it because I asked a lot and learnt a lot!

I was relieved to know that the only thing that will affect the embryos is overheating.  Not any activity I do such as housework etc.  I must make sure my core temperature does not get too high.  All the other pains I have been having are the ovaries still healing from theatre and the multitude of hormones - nothing to do with the embryos.  Phewww!  I did suspect that, going on the position of the pain, but it was a relief to hear it from the professionals.

Jane (my fav nurse!) said that I can do all my activities as normal, but as soon as I feel any pain to stop and either not do it, or pass it on to Dave. 

I have been feeling a lot better today and managed a medium paced 30 minute walk this morning.  I stayed close to home, walking back and forth along the streets, in case I needed to come back and I was definitely ready to return after 25 minutes.  I've also done a little bit of housework but found that it stirred up some ovary pain and discomfort and I stopped.

So, its still been resting today and light activities.  I've sorted out my school bag (small suitcase on wheels) so I'm not carrying so many teaching materials and that has left me enough space to put my computer in the suitcase.  One less thing over my shoulder.  I will get Dave to weigh it tonight and make sure it is not over 10 kilos - the limit the OB said I should lift.  I only have a short day tomorrow, so that will be good.

I feel a large sense of relief at what I have learnt today.  My babies are secure and safe and hopefully continuing to grow and flourish.

Love and Light
xx