Next update!

The last two mornings have been a bit of a challenge with tiredness and nausea plaguing me.  Particularly this morning when I had to drag myself out of bed and head off to work!  However, at this point, I am finding that it is only lasting for a few hours and then I'm feeling okay again.

There is definitely some bloating as well and occasional cramps or a feeling of heaviness.  Still nothing to write home about - so to speak!

My first scan was yesterday and everything is growing nicely.  I have another one tomorrow and that may decide when I go into theatre.

Dave comes home tomorrow (fingers crossed) - Yippeeee!

A few other things have been happening that feel like things are falling into place.

Four - My home has gradually been getting additions of a change of baby clothes, bottles, and food.   With the extra last minute babysitting, J hasn't had time to properly pack for him.  It's just been a quick drop off between rushed hospital visits.  So, I went shopping and bought a couple of things to keep here.

It's been so lovely seeing baby clothes hanging on the line and I have a drawer in the spare room that I am keeping everything in.  Unfortunately, due to past experiences, I have stopped really believing in signs, but this feels like just one more thing that is keeping me positive about us succeeding this time around.  It's a new thing for me to have these things in the house and I like it.

Five - I'm also so ready to have a "mummy" car.  I keep looking at cars on the road for the one that I would like.  Thats also new.

So lots of things are feeling good.  It just all remains to be seen doesn't it??!!

Strange to be feeling normal!

I'm finding it strange that, aside from a couple of days ago when I had some minor symptoms, I'm not experiencing any issues with this round at all. I'm not tired, or nausea, and the abdominal pains have gone, or at the most, hardly noticeable.  It doesn't feel like I'm doing an IVF round at all.  In fact, I feel really good!

I'm tired today but thats because I've had two late nights out with friends and have still woken up bright and early!  Just normal tiredness.  My body is a bit sore but thats because I did an intense pilates session the other day that left me really sore and yesterday did a two hour walk in the heat pushing Logan in the pram and have had him for the last two afternoons mostly holding him because he doesn't want to be put down much at the moment.  So that is all pretty normal!

I wonder how things will change with the introduction of the orgalutron injection tomorrow.  The strange thing is, I keep having these thoughts that the drugs can't be working properly if I'm not having any symptoms.  But I'm having an early scan tomorrow so I will find out for sure!

Things have been tough for my niece and her family and I'm grateful that I've been available to help with Logan when they have needed it.  From my side, he is an absolute delight and I love taking care of him.  I think the emotions of all those around him the last few days and the amount of time he has spent in the hospital is affecting him though.  Thus, not wanting to be put down very much and being restless and fidgety.  He was certainly a handful yesterday.  But still a delightful handful!

The first day I had him, the sadness I felt at having to give him back to his Mum was intense.  My whole soul lifted while in the maternal role of taking care of him.  And it was hard to lose that.  But yesterday was fine and it was nice to have J stay for a while and unburden and chat.  I miss them both today!

Side Effects

I woke up this morning still feeling terrific!  And I still feel great - emotionally!  The physical reactions of the puregon has started to kick in now though.  I'm feeling a little nauseous and the abdominal twinges have begun.

I never tracked my other IVF rounds.  I wasn't actively blogging at the time or even writing in my journal.  It was enough just getting through everything.  But with more time on my hands now, I am grateful to have the headspace to be able to keep a record.  And it is a good excuse to take a break from the bookwork!

I'm off to a friends tonight.  It is our usual first Friday of the month get together, but I'm going solo tonight.  I will have to take the puregon with me and find a private spot to inject.  Fortunately it will be the end of this vial so I don't have to worry about keeping everything refridgerated.  A cold pack will suffice until injection time at 7 pm.

I'm still getting a little dizzy after injection.  It happened the last rounds as well.  But only for the first few days and it doesn't last for too long.

My babysitting has been put on hold today which is sad, but his grandmother on the other side of the family is terminally ill and collapsed this morning.  The family have gone to the hospital today to be with her.  I'm on standby to go and pick him up from hospital should it be needed.  I wish I could say fingers crossed and everything will be alright, but I don't think it will be.  It's going to be a difficult time for them and all I can do is be here ready and waiting to help if needed.

In the meantime there is bookwork to be done.  And a quick break walking down the dog is needed too!

Feeling Good!

My blood tests results came back very positively yesterday.  My FSH levels are exactly where they need to be in order for the IVF drugs to work their best wonders.

I gave myself my first injection last night with no problems.  I was so worried about going through these next two weeks without Dave.  In fact 24 hours ago, I would have said I wasn't coping.  But something shifted during the day yesterday and I feel great!  Don't ask me what it was.  I wouldn't have a clue!!!

I'm feeling really, really positive about this round.  I know that can be a dangerous place to go when the let down can then be even bigger, but I don't care!  I'm feeling really good about the possiblity of being successful this time around and I intend to go with this feeling!

So many things seem to be falling into place at the moment. 

One - The freakiest one of all is the level of syncronicity between my kinesiologist and my therapist.  Everytime a new things come up with one person, it is also comes up with the other.  It's crazy!  And I love it!  I feel like they are working together.  And I really believe that I have been led to both of them at this time in my life.

I feel like there are some really significant breakthroughs going on in my pysche and that I am finally beginning to take some small steps toward releasing some long held patterns and issues in my life.  And to be doing that just before a baby comes along, is simply wondrous.  I have always wanted to be in a place where I am not passing on to much "garbage" to my child.  So that they don't inherit and have to deal with all the difficult things that I have had to.  We bring so much into our lives that need healing as it is, it would be nice not to give my child all my "garbage" on top of that as well.

Anyway, it is just baby steps, but I'm feeling so good about it all at the moment.  It is giving me the feeling of the timing being just right.  And that, as I let go and heal from my own issues, I will be a much better mother.

Two - And then there is starting to babysit my great nephew every week.  My maternal instincts have been switched on with him and I am loving the role of being his caretaker once a week.  I love it more than I thought I would and it just fits me to a tee!  It's made me more excited about being a mum.

Three - Without my intending it to be, my work hours have dropped quite a lot this year.  I have more time, less stress and I am beginning to love my life once more.  I am certainly enjoying work more which is just wonderful.  In fact, I could even begin to say, I'm starting to love it again.  I haven't been able to say that for years!

As a result, I am beginning to enjoy my home life more.  I'm getting out into the garden, I'm keeping up with the bookwork.  I'm back to regular exercise.  I'm not feeling this constant pressure to have to keep up with everything because I have more time to achieve what needs to be done.

I am grateful to be in this place now, after two months of really struggling.  Thank you!!!

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A truly happy one for today! One of my favs of Dave!

Here we go!

Day 1 today.  Here we go on Round 4!

I must admit to being extremely nervous this time around.  Mostly because Dave is not here.  He is away until the end of next week, so I am doing the first two weeks all by myself this time.  Injections, emotions, tiredness etc etc without his support.  I know he would rather be here with me, but he can't.  And I am scared.

I've gone through so much all ready this year.  It was good for a while to be able to grieve in my own space without him here, but after a while it became difficult to go through it all alone.  My friends have started calling me a "wine vintage widow".  It's been full on for him this season.  I've never seen it like this.  But hopefully all the hard work, the stress and hours on the road will pay off. 

I start this round with Day 2 blood tests tomorrow.  We are testing for the usual FSH, Prog, E2 to see how effective this round might be, but also for HCG just to make sure I'm not pregnant.  Not that is really any chance of that and the start of this period feels normal, not the like the last time when it turned out I was pregnant.

I go to the clinic tomorrow to pick up the drugs and we will sort out the rest of the dates.  I begin taking the puregon tomorrow.  This time, the OB has increased the dosage to 300 in the hope of getting a few more eggs, but not enough that I will get ovarian hyper stimulation - it's all such a fine balance!

Wish me luck!

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Today's photo - one of the fun ones!

The next step toward parenthood

Friday saw us back to the fertility clinic for our OB appointment.  It was the first time we have ever seen a real hopefulness from her!  She has always been very supportive and encouraging and has always maintained our own sense of hope, but she was always conservative in her own beliefs for our success.  My age, history and her own experience of woman in their 40's was the reason for her conservativeness.

Now however, things have changed - both for her and us.  In the last two weeks, she has had success with another woman in my age bracket and she is so excited about it!  That, along with my last two natural pregnancies has given her much cause for hope and she is doing everything she can to try to reach another good outcome!  She is just as eager as we are to find that one, or two!, good embryos.

That gives us even more hope!

While my insulin tests are still in the normal range, they are on the high end.  Always on the cutting edge, our OB has been involved in new research that has shown that high insulin can be a factor in miscarriages.  So, I have been put on a low dosage medication to bring my insulin levels down.  The only problem is that I think I may be suspectible to the one side effect she mentioned - gastro.  Yesterday was my first day on the meds and last night showed an inkling of that side effect.  We will see how things go!!

Everything is in place now for our next ICSI round to begin when I start my next cycle.  Dave hit the road this morning for a two week work trip, so I will have to inject myself for a little while.  If I don't start for another week (which I am guessing will probably be the case), he will be back in plenty of time for his part in the process.  Otherwise he will cut his work trip short, which would be a real pain in the neck for him.  Fingers crossed the timing all works out for the best.

I am looking forward to starting again.  I really am hopeful and, no matter what happens during the round, I love being pro-active in our journey toward parenthood.  I love knowing that we are being treated and monitored toward pregnancy, taking out the random chance that we have lived with for so long.  Bring it on!!

Life has continued to be better for me.  I am still feeling much more energized and my enthusiasm for life is still growing back to its normal state!  I am grateful to be on the healing side of the last two miscarriages.

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So, now for the wedding picture!  I loved this spot and found it through another bride who got married at our venue a few weeks before hand.  The wedding co-ordinator said it was roughly "over there somewhere!!", so a week before our wedding, I went to the national park next to the venue and hunted through until I found this location just a short 5 minute walk away from the gate.

Reenergized

The last two days things have been so much better.  My energy levels have returned and I have been eager to be active and physical.  My body has finally caught up to my headspace.  And I have to thank my amazing naturopath.

I had my appointment on Thursday.  I expected to come back with a stronger antidepressant.  But I didn't test positive for that at all.  Instead, I came out with only one thing.  NeuroCalm for nervous tension and anxiety.  And since I've been taking it, I have felt SO much better.  And after only have one day.

Kelly (naturopath) uses muscle testing to be sure on what it is that my body needs.  She came back into the office with a selection of things.

• In one of my recent blood tests, I had tested high for insulin.  On further testing everything was fine.  But I was still concerned.  She brought in a few different remedies for that issue.
• I told her which antidepressant had worked really well for me in the past.  
• She also brought in the NeuroCalm and and a few other odds and ends she wanted to try.

I was amazed when I tested negative for the antidepressant.  Really?!! How interesting.
I was totally relieved when I didn't need anything related to high insulin.  Kelly said that one of the things that can cause high insulin is stress.  And considering the stress tablets were the only ones I needed, well that just all makes sense.

I decided to also have a body composition analysis.  I had one on our honeymoon cruise which showed a very high water retention level.  I then went on the prescribed herbal remedies and changed a few things in my diet with the focus being on acid vs alkaline foods.  A month later my water retention has reduced by a third.  Great news!

On the other hand, my calculated age from all the other CBA tests was high.  Oh dear!  For some reason, that has turned into a big reality check, has confirmed fears that I have about my physical well being, and has been a cataylst for being able to move beyond compulsive eating.  Don't get me wrong, the CE is still there, but I don't want to be the physical age that the CBA showed.

One of the factors in the test is muscle mass, which for me was low.  With all that has gone on, I haven't done pilates or gone to the gym for a few months.  Fortunately I had already made my appointment for my pilates review and I start today.  That should help as well!

It is such a relief to moving beyond my time of grief and isolation.  I'm moving through my new cycle getting ready to start the next ICSI round and I will come at with greater health.  I am actively seeking things to do that are physically active.  I want to exert myself.  Whether it be gardening, weeding, exercising.  Which means at the same time, I am getting on top of some long awaited jobs!

I am grateful.

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I haven't put up any of our professional wedding photos yet.  So I thought I would finish each post with a photo of our joyful day!