12 weeks and bubs is going strong

Yesterday was our  12 week scan.  Everything is still going really well!  I almost can't believe it.  It is so surreal.  We are now in new territory having never gotten this far before in our previous pregnancies.

So much to catch up on in 6 weeks...

Last week was a terrible week leading up to our 12 week scan.  That was the week our last baby died in utero and I was paralysed with fear.  I spent a couple of days in bed with exhaustion and it took me a while to realise that some of that exhaustion was not the pregnancy but the unconscious fears I was living with.

Now that we have passed the hump of the 12 week scan my tiredness has gone back to its normal pregnancy exhaustion!  I can function again in otherwords!

We've had a scan every week since the bleed at 6 weeks just to check on everything and also to maintain my sanity!  :)  Each week was good and each week we saw our little one bouncing around inside me.  He/She is an active one, always on the move and seeming to play chasey with the scanner!  :) :) Measurements have been great every week.  It was good, and also necessary, to be reassured every week that things were progressing normally.

At 10.5 weeks, we had our first OB appointment.  That also went well and the doctor assured us that there was absolutely nothing that he was worried about.  Everything looked great.

We go back at 13.5 weeks to get the results of the nuchal test and other tests that I had - blood and urine.  The scan was a good start to the nuchal test with a measurement of just 1.4 mm.  As long as its under 3.5 mm, all should be good.  A normal measurement is 1.3 mm, so we are right on the mark!  So now we wait on the combined tests for the nuchal.  But we are feeling pretty relaxed about that.

As for me, I'm dealing with nausea quite a bit, particularly when I have to cook or prepare food, or sometimes just look at food!!  But I'm very grateful not to have had any vomiting.  A fantastic blessing to be sure!  :)

I've also got a lot of lower abdomen discomfort with the muscles and ligaments stretching and getting ready for expansion.  And then there are the times when my bowels/digestion cause me severe pain as everything moves around.  That is fun - not!  :)

Then there are the temperature fluctuations in my body, with heat at night being a particular problem.  But that does seem to be settling down a little bit.

I always said that if I was pregnant I would be grateful for every bit of pain and discomfort I was in.  And now that we are passed the 12 week mark, I most definitely am.  It was a bit harder before that, when I was also always on the edge of anxiety, but I always kept that thought in mind and tried to focus on the gratitudes rather than the fear.

There is still a question mark over us about our pregnancy.  With our history, I think it will always be there.  But the ? is a lot smaller now and we are happy to tell a few other people about our news.  So, keep your fingers crossed.  We are doing really well so far and can only pray that bubbie continues to grow as beautifully as he/she has been so far.  We love you little one!!

I AM...

I am pregnant
I AM pregnant
I am PREGNANT!!


Today I went to see my kinesiologist.  What an amazing woman she is.  I told her that I was pregnant but I didn't like the place that I was in.  I was worried and stressed and tired and I knew that it wasn't good for me or the baby.

I walked out of that session feeling like a different person.  The excitement is back, the trust is back, the surety that we are succeeding is back.  The loving connection with our little one is back.  My grounding is back and my spiritual connection is back.  I feel happy!

I never mentioned the word "trust" to her, but it came up several times throughout the session.  What also came up, over and over, was my fear, anxiety and worry.  Fear of disappointment.  Fear that I will be disappointed again.

It turns out that the fear and worry were not just on a surface level but were emerging deep from my unconscious.  A lifetime of fear and worry was emerging and being reflected into worry for my baby.

Carolyn cleared all of that.  She reopened my connection to Spirit and aligned my energy once more.  I'm amazed at how much better I feel.  I feel much more secure in the process.  I feel greater Trust that things are working well.

She asked me if I could remember a time when I completely trusted in the process of my life, of the universe unfolding.  And I couldn't.  I don't remember ever feeling like that.  Now it's time that I did.  Anytime the fear emerges, I need to delete that file and replace it with the new one of Trust and acceptance.  Of living in the moment.  And in this moment right now, I AM PREGNANT!  I rejoice in that, I feel the joy, I feel the love for our tiny little bundle of cells that are still dividing and growing just like the nurse told me that they were.

After the trust question, Carolyn asked me if I could remember a time when I felt truly at peace and calm with my life.  And I do remember that.  Just one period in my life.  It was just before I met Dave.  A few months before, I had broken up from a destructive relationship and I was just beginning to get my life back again.  I don't know why, or how it happened, or how to recreate it, but for several months, my life was good.  I was constantly feeling the peacefulness of life, the simplicity of life.  I was always taking time to connect with Spirit and centre myself.  I was eating well, exercising daily, with no problems or addictive behaviours or thoughts. 

I've often wanted to go back to that time in my life.  Perhaps now is the time to recreate it.  Perhaps now I am ready.

Thank you Carolyn for helping me to move past the fear that I have been living with the last few weeks.  Thank you Spirit for leading me to Carolyn a few months ago.  I do credit her as a significant part of how we were able to finally conceive.

I asked her if she knew of any meditiation CD's that would be good for me to stay connected.  And she has given me some ideas.  So, I'm going to follow through on that and hopefully find the exact right one for me.

I Am Pregnant!!
:):):):):):)

It worked!

I know its early days BUT......................

I'm pregnant!!!!!!!

It worked!

YEAAAAAAAAA!

Okay, now that the excitement is expressed....  the details!

I got tested a day early for two reasons - I had to call the clinic about another matter and earlier in the day I cheated and took a home pregnancy test which was positive!   The funny story is that the nurse guessed I had taken the test!  I asked her how long the pregnyl stays in your system because I wondered if maybe I was getting a false positive.  She answered my question and then said "You took a pregnancy test didn't you??!!"  LOL  :):)  When I told the nurse yes, she said, "Well, lets get you tested a day early!" 

My HCG levels were 99 - which is great.  My estrogen and progesterone levels are also good.  The nurse even started talking about my 6 week scan and my due date and, wow, I couldn't believe it!

The next step is another test in two days to see if the the pregnancy is developing as it should.  And then I will have another follow up next week.  The prayers will continue and the fingers will still be tightly crossed for the next week(s).

It worked! We made it to this the biggest step along the journey.  Yes, there are still more steps to go before we are safe.  None of my pregnancies have made it passed 6 weeks, but so far so fantastic!!

My other pregnancies were natural conceptions.  This one feels better because good embryos were selected, I'm being monitored and I'm on drugs to assist the pregnancy.

Part of me is scared to be excited.  Another part of is so relieved!  I'm pregnant.  All that I've gone through is, so far, paying fruition.  I think I will stick with the excited emotion for a while and run with it.  I'm going to talk to my baby/babies and keep encouraging them to grow.  I'm going to keep doing my golden white light meditations.

The journey isn't over but we've finally made it this far!

Thank you, thank you!

Feeling Good!

My blood tests results came back very positively yesterday.  My FSH levels are exactly where they need to be in order for the IVF drugs to work their best wonders.

I gave myself my first injection last night with no problems.  I was so worried about going through these next two weeks without Dave.  In fact 24 hours ago, I would have said I wasn't coping.  But something shifted during the day yesterday and I feel great!  Don't ask me what it was.  I wouldn't have a clue!!!

I'm feeling really, really positive about this round.  I know that can be a dangerous place to go when the let down can then be even bigger, but I don't care!  I'm feeling really good about the possiblity of being successful this time around and I intend to go with this feeling!

So many things seem to be falling into place at the moment. 

One - The freakiest one of all is the level of syncronicity between my kinesiologist and my therapist.  Everytime a new things come up with one person, it is also comes up with the other.  It's crazy!  And I love it!  I feel like they are working together.  And I really believe that I have been led to both of them at this time in my life.

I feel like there are some really significant breakthroughs going on in my pysche and that I am finally beginning to take some small steps toward releasing some long held patterns and issues in my life.  And to be doing that just before a baby comes along, is simply wondrous.  I have always wanted to be in a place where I am not passing on to much "garbage" to my child.  So that they don't inherit and have to deal with all the difficult things that I have had to.  We bring so much into our lives that need healing as it is, it would be nice not to give my child all my "garbage" on top of that as well.

Anyway, it is just baby steps, but I'm feeling so good about it all at the moment.  It is giving me the feeling of the timing being just right.  And that, as I let go and heal from my own issues, I will be a much better mother.

Two - And then there is starting to babysit my great nephew every week.  My maternal instincts have been switched on with him and I am loving the role of being his caretaker once a week.  I love it more than I thought I would and it just fits me to a tee!  It's made me more excited about being a mum.

Three - Without my intending it to be, my work hours have dropped quite a lot this year.  I have more time, less stress and I am beginning to love my life once more.  I am certainly enjoying work more which is just wonderful.  In fact, I could even begin to say, I'm starting to love it again.  I haven't been able to say that for years!

As a result, I am beginning to enjoy my home life more.  I'm getting out into the garden, I'm keeping up with the bookwork.  I'm back to regular exercise.  I'm not feeling this constant pressure to have to keep up with everything because I have more time to achieve what needs to be done.

I am grateful to be in this place now, after two months of really struggling.  Thank you!!!

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A truly happy one for today! One of my favs of Dave!

Reenergized

The last two days things have been so much better.  My energy levels have returned and I have been eager to be active and physical.  My body has finally caught up to my headspace.  And I have to thank my amazing naturopath.

I had my appointment on Thursday.  I expected to come back with a stronger antidepressant.  But I didn't test positive for that at all.  Instead, I came out with only one thing.  NeuroCalm for nervous tension and anxiety.  And since I've been taking it, I have felt SO much better.  And after only have one day.

Kelly (naturopath) uses muscle testing to be sure on what it is that my body needs.  She came back into the office with a selection of things.

• In one of my recent blood tests, I had tested high for insulin.  On further testing everything was fine.  But I was still concerned.  She brought in a few different remedies for that issue.
• I told her which antidepressant had worked really well for me in the past.  
• She also brought in the NeuroCalm and and a few other odds and ends she wanted to try.

I was amazed when I tested negative for the antidepressant.  Really?!! How interesting.
I was totally relieved when I didn't need anything related to high insulin.  Kelly said that one of the things that can cause high insulin is stress.  And considering the stress tablets were the only ones I needed, well that just all makes sense.

I decided to also have a body composition analysis.  I had one on our honeymoon cruise which showed a very high water retention level.  I then went on the prescribed herbal remedies and changed a few things in my diet with the focus being on acid vs alkaline foods.  A month later my water retention has reduced by a third.  Great news!

On the other hand, my calculated age from all the other CBA tests was high.  Oh dear!  For some reason, that has turned into a big reality check, has confirmed fears that I have about my physical well being, and has been a cataylst for being able to move beyond compulsive eating.  Don't get me wrong, the CE is still there, but I don't want to be the physical age that the CBA showed.

One of the factors in the test is muscle mass, which for me was low.  With all that has gone on, I haven't done pilates or gone to the gym for a few months.  Fortunately I had already made my appointment for my pilates review and I start today.  That should help as well!

It is such a relief to moving beyond my time of grief and isolation.  I'm moving through my new cycle getting ready to start the next ICSI round and I will come at with greater health.  I am actively seeking things to do that are physically active.  I want to exert myself.  Whether it be gardening, weeding, exercising.  Which means at the same time, I am getting on top of some long awaited jobs!

I am grateful.

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I haven't put up any of our professional wedding photos yet.  So I thought I would finish each post with a photo of our joyful day!

A response!

Two posts in one day.  This one is in answer to Anita, who wrote a comment to my post The Journey Through.

I’ve always appreciated Anita’s comments and concern and support for our journey.  I value her on-line friendship greatly.  In this comment, she expressed her concern over my physical and emotional trials and wondered if it wasn’t time that I get on with fertility treatments and “get on with the business of being a wife and mom! :)”

She was writing this comment, just as I was writing my last post “Again???”, which came with a much more healed and renewed approach!

I started to write a response and after about 5 paragraphs, realised it was much more than a comment and has now morphed into this post documenting where we are with our thinking on fertility treatments!!

 

We had just started the fertility treatment process, when I got pregnant naturally.  It was amazing!  We were so excited.  Even though it didn’t work out, we have found renewed hope that we can do this naturally.  So we have decided to give it just a couple of months to see if it can happen again!

I so don't want to go through all the hormone treatments of fertility.  I know I will struggle with them, with the emotions and the time, and all else that goes with it.  Ultimately though, I will do anything of course, but just a couple of months of trying is the right choice for us now.  It will be good!

In retrospect, we are very happy that we got pregnant before going too far into the process with the OB that we saw.  I didn't like him!  He was very negative about getting pregnant over 40 and I don't need that attitude or the energy that he gave out.  We have another name of an OB now (a female), recommended by our doctor, and will go with her if unsuccessful this month and the next.  This will also take me closer to the end of the year and the summer break, which will be much easier to handle.

While I don't like the emotions/physical things that have been happening, I do see them as an important growth process for me, just as they were last time – 12 years ago.  I realised last night that I haven't binged for nearly three weeks now.  I feel the changes that are happening in my life, and I'm so glad.  Things are on the improve.

Thank you so much Anita for your concern and your support!   

Love and light

xx

Beginning the journey back.

The only physical symptom that I’m having today is complete and utter exhaustion.  I just can’t seem to get back my energy levels.  But apart from that and slightly sore boobs, I’m grateful to be feeling so much better.

I woke up in a good emotional state and that has remained during the day.  I’m struggling with the exhaustion and the emotion of having to keep on keeping on.  But I’m so grateful to be getting better.

I’ve been able to relax this afternoon.  I worked in the morning and will again this evening.  But the afternoon has been all mine and I have chilled in front of a movie with a glass of wine.  Wonderful.

Somehow I will get through my big day tomorrow and then I have a small day on Thursday and the day off on Friday.  In between I do have to write reports.  I keep forgetting about them!!  Shite!  Have to hand them in Friday.  But I can probably do them that morning.  I’m prepared, I just need to get the words down.  It will be fine.

So, what now?  Well, I know it’s time to move on from the miscarriage and begin looking forward again.  Easier said than done.  I’m sure there is still more that I need to work through on an emotional level.  But that is where I feel I need to start directing my attention.  Forward.  To getting my life back on track.  To digging out of the hole and seeing the surface again. 

Mmmm…

It seems a bit impossible right now, but I will get there!!

Thank you everyone for all your wonderful support.  I have been blessed with your love and care.  It’s made a huge difference.  Thank you.

Grateful for the bushwalk!

It was a great morning bushwalking yesterday!  I took it easy which was no problems with the little kids that were with us.  About 30 minutes in, we hit a beautiful patch of nature and I went mad with the camera and my spirits and physical energy lifted.  I feel so renewed.

Later in the day, I began to feel the effects of the exercise.  My body felt good, but I also started to get dizzy and a little nauseous and very tired.  I was so grateful for the walk though, that I didn’t care.  I just curled up in front of the TV and chilled out with D.  And went to bed very early and slept right through.

I woke up with a deep sadness this morning.  Not like the cloud of depression that swamped me on Saturday, but just so sad.  It doesn’t feel directed toward or about anything in particular.  It is just there.  As the day as gone on, it has lifted significantly.  But I suspect it may return again in the morning.  We’ll see.

Physically, I feel fine today.  Some very minor abdomen discomfort, but nothing of great note.  I think I may be nearly healed, physically.  I am grateful for that.

Through the grace of God

Over the last two years, Dave and I have done so many tests to check for fertility and pregnancy (not to mention the gazillion other tests for fertility!). Saliva tests, Urine tests and Basal Body Temperature to check for ovulation. Urine tests to check for pregnancy. Not once have we ever got a positive result on anything. Not for ovulation or for pregnancy.

So, when I walked out of the toilet with the positive pregnancy test on Wednesday night, it put us both in a complete state of shock!

Oh my! Wow!

And I know with all my heart and soul, that we are pregnant through the grace of God. A few months ago, I surrendered the whole journey to God. I said to God that we had tried everything to conceive, we had been pro-active to the enth degree, with no result. I handed it over to God, saying that there was nothing more I can do, that I was helpless and I placed it all into Gods hands. I surrendered and I let go.

Two months later, we are pregnant.

I haven’t stopped thanking God since. Every day, I give thanks. I am so grateful to have been graced with this baby. I feel honoured that we have conceived and that a soul out there in the beyond has chosen us to be its parents.

I will never stop being thankful.

Now, as we journey through this first trimester, I am still placing the journey in God’s hands. I hand over to Him, the health and well-being of our child. I hand over to Him my fears and insecurities. Thy will be done. And in return, I focus on feeling taken care of, at ease and peaceful.

I breathe out a deep sigh.

Aaahhh...