Nemo's come home!

Yesterday was transfer day and everything went well!

My feelings of non-chalance went through a few different phases as they day drew closer.  But nothing really stuck.  Some nerves set in at one point.  There were feelings of anticipation.  But even on the day, I just went about my day as normal.  Although the comment from one of my students was interesting...

The transfer wasn't till midday, so I popped into school to do a few catch up lessons.  My first student said "You are in a good mood today!" and she only saw me the day before.  She was right, I was feeling really good.  Whether it was the fantastic swim I had after school the day before or the fact that Nemo was coming home, who knows.

The thought "Nemo is coming home today!" popped into my head as I was driving to school.  Something shifted in me then.  Maybe that was what changed my mood as well!!
When I told Dave, he said that one of his customers referenced "Finding Nemo" in a phone call the day before.  Freaky!

So, we arrived at the hospital and went into the room with the embryologist and our OB.  All I wanted to know was "Did Nemo thaw?"  There was a 10% chance that our embryo wouldn't make it through the thawing process.  I was so expecting that to be the case.  Just our luck, you know?!  Beat the odds again.  But not only did it thaw, it was flourishing.  Both women were really happy with how it was plumping up and progressing.  "Oh thank goodness!"

"Would you like to see it?", they asked.  "Yes Please!", we said.  And there it was - our beautiful embryo on the screen.  I felt such a rush of excitement and love - for a second - and then my defenses kicked in and I found myself pushing down that excitement in fear of what might happen.  Then that emotion shifted again, to one of going through the motions of the procedure with complete acceptance of the situation.  I think it is a good place to be.

However...........

When we walked out of the hospital doors, everything shifted again!  I had gone from not wanting to be pregnant again, to suddenly having our live and healthy Nemo inside me.  I felt like precious cargo and I SO SO SO SO SO want to pregnant again.  All of a sudden, I'm not frightened of it anymore.  All of a sudden, I'm excited.

Now, just one day later, I am talking to Nemo already.  I'm trying to listen to what it needs - or more precisely I suppose - what my body needs for Nemo to flourish.  I just like to think of it as Nemo talking back to me.

Now, it wouldn't have even implanted yet, but as far as I am concerned, I have a little life form living inside of me.  I'm not holding my breath, I'm still feeling very relaxed with no expectations of achieving pregnancy or going full term.  But there is a part of me that feels that this is different, that this one is going to work.  That this is a happy and 'excited for life' embryo.

So, my job now is to live my life happy and peaceful.  To go about my days, content in my activites, feeling a sense of accomplishment in my tasks and to also be careful about what I do and how much I do.   To be happy being less active and enjoying a 'holiday' from the busyness of life and the hard work of the heavy physical jobs that I love doing.  I will be content swimming more casually and no longer doing fast sprints and hard laps.  I will be content walking on the flat surfaces and not traipsing up and down all the hills!


I've been calling this round, IVF round 5.  But really, it is just finishing round 2.  Nemo is from my round 2 collection.  I had the polyp removed and wasn't able to do the transfer and Nemo, our one and only embryo from that round, was frozen.  The positive thing here, is that Nemo is younger than our last embryo and may be less damaged.  It was conceived a year ago!  Fingers crossed that works in our favour!

Love and Light
xxx

Follow up test

After a stressful couple of days, todays test results show that our pregnancy is progressing really well!!!  HCG levels have gone from 99 two days ago, to 265 today - they've nearly tripled!!

I am SO relieved!  We are still pregnant!

It's been a tough two days.  Once the initial excitement were off, I started worrying.  Please, please, please embies, keep growing, snuggle in, HCG levels keep rising.  I've been so scared.  I've been really trying not to but it's just been there.  Waiting for these results have been so much harder than waiting for the initial result saying we were pregnant.  It felt like there was so much more at stake.

And then I started spotting a little.  The leftover crinone began releasing with specks of colour in it.  Mostly the colour was brown, but sometimes it wasn't so brown.  And then today I started spotting more.  Once again though, mostly old blood.  The times when it wasn't quite brown absolutely terrified me.

And the results took so long to come in.  I was expecting them by 2 pm at the latest.  They didn't come in till 5 pm.  It's been a tough day.  But finally they arrived and I couldn't believe the number.  265!!!

The nurse said not to worry about the spotting.  The crinone release is normal and as long as the blood is old it is all good.  As for the couple of times I felt it wasn't quite old, she said is could be anything.  Implantation blood even.  Shes taken note of it and will follow up on Monday but she said not to worry.  That my levels were terrific.  And we are doing everything that needs to be done.  She said go away and have a relaxing Easter!  Things are progressing well.

I go in again on Monday for a final follow up blood test.  That one should be around 1000 in hcg levels.  So fingers crossed.

A friend said today that I just need to trust.  TRUST.  It is a good word.  A reassuring word.  A word of faith and belief.  A word of confidence.  A word of peacefulness, serenity, love.  I like it.

This afternoon I started wearing around my wrist, the pouch of buddhist prayers my dear friend brought back from Japan with me.  It is the one that I had with me on our wedding day, and I took with me to both the egg harvest and embryo transfer.  It really helped me to settle down a little this afternoon.  And I guess it brought with it Trust and Faith.

It is still on my wrist!

So now I go away with Trust in my heart and soul and know that once again we are progressing well through each step of the IVF process.

Staying centered

6 more sleeps till testing day!  I could test on Monday but they have warned us that with all the hormones we, that is I!!!, am taking, it is possible to get a false positive with a home pregnancy test.  So its best to wait and do the blood test with them.

I fluctuate between fear and confidence. 

There is a part of me that knows this is the one and that is the part that I try and stay connected to.  There are no assurances and I know us succeeding will defy the odds (thus the fear), but this cycle has gone perfectly.  There have been no complications and there have been 10 signs of encouragement that I have written about over several posts this week!!

All of me knows how much I will thrive as a mother.  My whole world will change for the better.  My whole self will change for the better.  I look forward to rising to the challenges and to taking care of a little soul.  And yes, I even look forward to the tiredness because our little being(s) will bring so much joy and love and completeness. 

This is what gets me through the days, this knowing, this feeling of being centered and calm.  And when the fear comes up, I move inside myself and feel the joy of being pregnant whether I am or not.  I focus on our little embryos and I picture them burrowed into my uterine wall, peaceful and content and growing rapidly!

A new symptom and some relief!

I had to call the clinic today because, just to add to the list of side effects and things I have to take, I have developed thrush!  I was worried about what that would do to the potential pregnancy and what I could take to treat it.  In the past, the only thing that has worked for me has been the one dose tablet, the creams have never been successful.  However I can't take the tablet, I have to do the cream, so fingers crossed it works.  That means in the morning I do the thrush cream and in the evening the crinone.  Ah, the things we do!!  I was warned it might all be a little messy.  Ooooooo!!

I am just completely relieved that the thrush infection will not harm the embryos.  The nurse said that some women do get thrush as a result of all the hormones we are taking.  I haven't experienced it before so something different yet again for this cycle!  I found it amazing how every cycle has been so different.  Our bodies are just incredible works of art!

It was really good to talk to the nurses today after having the weekend with no contact.  I guess I built up a few questions without realising it because I asked a lot and learnt a lot!

I was relieved to know that the only thing that will affect the embryos is overheating.  Not any activity I do such as housework etc.  I must make sure my core temperature does not get too high.  All the other pains I have been having are the ovaries still healing from theatre and the multitude of hormones - nothing to do with the embryos.  Phewww!  I did suspect that, going on the position of the pain, but it was a relief to hear it from the professionals.

Jane (my fav nurse!) said that I can do all my activities as normal, but as soon as I feel any pain to stop and either not do it, or pass it on to Dave. 

I have been feeling a lot better today and managed a medium paced 30 minute walk this morning.  I stayed close to home, walking back and forth along the streets, in case I needed to come back and I was definitely ready to return after 25 minutes.  I've also done a little bit of housework but found that it stirred up some ovary pain and discomfort and I stopped.

So, its still been resting today and light activities.  I've sorted out my school bag (small suitcase on wheels) so I'm not carrying so many teaching materials and that has left me enough space to put my computer in the suitcase.  One less thing over my shoulder.  I will get Dave to weigh it tonight and make sure it is not over 10 kilos - the limit the OB said I should lift.  I only have a short day tomorrow, so that will be good.

I feel a large sense of relief at what I have learnt today.  My babies are secure and safe and hopefully continuing to grow and flourish.

Love and Light
xx

Treatment sessions and the 2WW

The Two Week Wait.
It is most definitely here.  And once again, things are different this time around.

I've never had a problem with the TWW before.  We've waited the two weeks every cycle for 4 years.  It's always just been part of the course.  Whether through stimulated cylce or natural.  But this time, with the hopes and dreams I have for this cycle, and the way things have been going so well for the first time in one of my rounds, I started feeling the tension yesterday.

I also started feeling fears that embryos weren't growing or that something was going wrong.  And I realised what a roller coaster ride I am in for the next two weeks.

I've been in a lot of pain and discomfort and I feet the need for the next few days to really relax and take it easy and lay down a lot.  In fact, it has also been forced on me as well.  Even doing the dishes yesterday brought about abdominal pains.  But the moment I felt them, I stopped the dishes and lay down.

I understand where the fears are coming from, but I refuse to let them take hold.  Instead I've been focusing on Love and Light.  I've been meditating on them and feeling both of these flowing through me, through my chakras and into my womb.  Feeling the breath of God.

My kinesiology session yesterday was amazing and has really helped me to be able to feel these things.
The first thing she was led to were my ovaries which she said were dehydrated.  Makes sense.  They've gone through a lot.  She worked on them and also on stimulating the energy in my uterus, getting the blood flowing and getting it all ready to receive the embryos.

For my part, I have continued to drink 2.5 litres of water a day, and constantly go to the toilet!!  Yet despite all the water I am drinking, my lips are really dry and sore and need constant lip balm - a sign of dehydration.  But I can't drink anymore than I am.  I would have to just stay on the toilet all day if I did!!!  :)  So, I'm also concentrating on eating foods that are hydrating as well as full of nutrients.

The kinesiologist also worked on aligning the energy throughout my body, allowing the channels to flow and making it easy for new little energies to find their way!  The words I left with are:

• Joy, acceptance and unconditional love
• Self worth, self love
• Trust and higher self alignment
• Hydration and Nutrition

The third one is perhaps the biggest for me - to trust and to stay aligned.  The Love and Light focus is helping with that.

And finally, my naturopath/masseur.  The fact that that appointment occurred the day before transfer is really significant.  The massages that I usually need, I won't be able to have when pregnant because she works on areas that can also encourage contrations.  So, it was wonderful to be able to have, what will hopefully be my last full massage for the next 9 months!  And once again, some of the points that she found were all about good blood flow to my uterus amongst other things.

A perfect pre-transfer day!

The day of and the day before embryo transfer

Embryo Transfer this morning!  Everything is still going SO well.  We had our best result yet with two embryos that have continued to grow as expected.  The other three seemed to have stopped growing.  They will give them another 24 hours but they are not hopeful about being able to freeze them.

But it doesn't matter.  We got TWO EMBRYOS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  And we still have little Nemo on ice.  (Thats what Dave named our frozen embryo from round 2 which we weren't able to transfer because of my polyp)

I was so excited I couldn't stop smiling, including most of the way through the procedure and aftewards saying goodbye!!  :):)  The transfer itself was a breeze.  It was over before I knew it.  Last time, the OB had a little trouble with it, it took a little longer, and was a little more uncomfortable.  But not this time.  Done and dusted and our two embryos are inside me, hopefully happily finding a home and continuing to grow.

Our OB was away today so we had a different person (first time ever for us!).  He was the OB who was on call the night we had the ovarian bleed on my first cycle.  He was wonderful that night, so helpful, proficient and caring.  And today was no different.  I immediately liked him.  He was wonderful.  A strong, gentle, caring man who obviously loves his job and is brilliant at it.  No wonder his name is at the top of the list.  Right above our usual OB!  We have been so lucky with OB's now we are at this different clinic.

Here is a photo of what our embryos looked like.  PS. It isn't ours!  Although if we are successful, I may ask if we can get one!

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The Day before Transfer

Yesterday was a day of amazing syncronicity.  My chance, or design, who knows which, it doesn't matter which, it was an amazing day full of events that helped prepare me for the transfer!  I am still amazed by it.

I have already done a list of signs etc that have happened over the last couple of weeks that have been encouraging me to believe that this round could be the one.   The posts are here and here.  Now the list continues!

Six
 I had both a kiniesology treatment and a full massage and they both were an amazing preparation for the embryo transfer today.  I didn't plan to have them booked on the same day and I certainly did not plan to have them booked the day before the transfer.  I booked them weeks ago before we even started this IVF round. [More about them in my next post.] But the timing of them was incredible!

I also had a counselling session scheduled but this was cancelled. And I think it was meant to be that I didn't see the shrink.   I think that not talking about what happened with the kiniesologist was the way it was meant to be - that I was simply allowed to let the treatment work within me and not analyse it or disrupt the energy shifts with the mental and emotional analysis that comes with the shrink.  Things continued to be set up for me.

Seven
Although this is under really sad circumstances, I ended up having Logan for most of the day.  His grandmother has been terminally ill and the family were called in at 5am in the morning to spend her last day with her.  Logan went for a while but it's not good for him to be at the hospital for hours, so I was called early in the morning to pick him up.

The fact that I spent a good portion of my day before transfer with this wonderful baby who has brought forth such strong maternal instincts in me did not go unnoticed.

Eight
I know this is a little trivial but it's never happened in all the other times we have been to the hospital, so why today?  When we checked out after the transfer, the lady on the desk cut off my hospital ID and said "Do you want to keep it?"  Today, of all days, I get asked to keep a momento of my admission!!!  I said YES!

Nine
Now this last one just freaks me out and requires a bit of a backstory.

Dave and I spent last Christmas with his family in Sydney.  They are a Catholic family and so I went with his Mum and him to mass in the morning.  I don't what happened within me because this doesn't usually bother me - but there were so many kids running around the church, and by about 20 minutes into the mass, I was in tears.  I just couldn't cope with all the children - there were just too many and I felt my lack of a child so keenly.

I had to leave.  Dave followed me out and we sat outside for a while talking and then I told him to go back in with his Mum.  I would just walk back home and get his Auntie V (who lives next door) to let me in.  I knocked on the door, she let me in with a "has mass finished already?!" and before I knew it, I was crying on her shoulder, telling her about everything.

V is a devout catholic and I am glad she had already been to a Christmas mass.  She listened to me and supported me and talked about her own experiences and was fantastic.  She then offered to give me some information about a Saint of Motherhood I could pray to if I wanted to.  There was no pressure, she just wanted to give me some information and let me do what I wanted with it.  And she was there to support me and pray with me if I chose.  It never went any further during that visit because things were so busy and then we were gone.

Guess when she sent me the information?  9.30 last night.  All this time later!  She apologised for taking so long to get it to me.  Are you serious??  I get the information the day of transfer! (because I checked the emails this morning).  Am I really being told that this is going to work this time?  Is it time I finally trusted in all these little things that have been happening and believe.  If I wasn't already at that point after yesterdays sessions then this tipped me right over the edge.  Yes, I do believe this is the one.  In a really peaceful, calm and positive way, I do believe that this is the one.  I now have my bubbies inside of me.

Needless to say, I printed out the prayer and put it with the pouch symbolising the months worth of prayers from a Japanese monastery that my dear friend organised for me.  And I took them both into the transfer with me, hanging from a chord on my wrist.

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I am feeling so good about this.  I know that if it doesn't work, I am in for a BIG let down.  But I will deal with that if it happens.  Dave is still feeling cautious and I understand that.  But he is also supportive in me not being cautious anymore and simply running with these wonderful and positive feelings I am having about it all!

My fingers are still crossed!

The next step toward parenthood

Friday saw us back to the fertility clinic for our OB appointment.  It was the first time we have ever seen a real hopefulness from her!  She has always been very supportive and encouraging and has always maintained our own sense of hope, but she was always conservative in her own beliefs for our success.  My age, history and her own experience of woman in their 40's was the reason for her conservativeness.

Now however, things have changed - both for her and us.  In the last two weeks, she has had success with another woman in my age bracket and she is so excited about it!  That, along with my last two natural pregnancies has given her much cause for hope and she is doing everything she can to try to reach another good outcome!  She is just as eager as we are to find that one, or two!, good embryos.

That gives us even more hope!

While my insulin tests are still in the normal range, they are on the high end.  Always on the cutting edge, our OB has been involved in new research that has shown that high insulin can be a factor in miscarriages.  So, I have been put on a low dosage medication to bring my insulin levels down.  The only problem is that I think I may be suspectible to the one side effect she mentioned - gastro.  Yesterday was my first day on the meds and last night showed an inkling of that side effect.  We will see how things go!!

Everything is in place now for our next ICSI round to begin when I start my next cycle.  Dave hit the road this morning for a two week work trip, so I will have to inject myself for a little while.  If I don't start for another week (which I am guessing will probably be the case), he will be back in plenty of time for his part in the process.  Otherwise he will cut his work trip short, which would be a real pain in the neck for him.  Fingers crossed the timing all works out for the best.

I am looking forward to starting again.  I really am hopeful and, no matter what happens during the round, I love being pro-active in our journey toward parenthood.  I love knowing that we are being treated and monitored toward pregnancy, taking out the random chance that we have lived with for so long.  Bring it on!!

Life has continued to be better for me.  I am still feeling much more energized and my enthusiasm for life is still growing back to its normal state!  I am grateful to be on the healing side of the last two miscarriages.

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So, now for the wedding picture!  I loved this spot and found it through another bride who got married at our venue a few weeks before hand.  The wedding co-ordinator said it was roughly "over there somewhere!!", so a week before our wedding, I went to the national park next to the venue and hunted through until I found this location just a short 5 minute walk away from the gate.

Title change

I'm 44 now.  I was 40 and hopeful when we started this journey.  Hope does still live in me but it is surrounded by a sense of loss and of being let down.

Anyway, a slight change in title seemed appropriate.  4 years ago, I went with New Mum Over 40, because it was a pro-active, positive, put it out there and it will be, way to go.  Now, at 44, it is just misleading.

I'm no New Mum.  A new great aunt, but no new mum.

Today I am finding myself really missing my little nephew.  Craving for him would be a better description.  A full day of babysitting on Friday and a overnighter on Saturday has really brought my maternal needs to the forefront.  I look forward to seeing him this Friday for my weekly babysitting.

I have absolutely no fears about the change in my life that will occur with a new-born baby.  Being with my nephew has shown me how much I want that role.  I've known for years that I've been ready for it, but now I know on a physical level.  On a maternal level.  On an activity level.  I am craving it.

Along with what has happened with me conceiving two cycles in a row, I am hoping that this deep down in my soul maternal feeling, will be a trigger for things finally coming together for us.  This is where my hope lives now.  There are no barriers, no doubts, my body is trying to work, and my soul is committed.  We just have to find that one good embryo.  There is still hope.