14 weeks pregnant

Last week was great!  I felt so much better.  I did a good weeks work and starting exercising again.  It was great to get the all clear to be able to do so!

This week, the nausea and tiredness have come back and I'm flattened again.  I guess that is the name of the game when you have your first baby at 47 years of age.  I"m going with the theory that bubbie is having a big growth spurt!  :)

I am grateful for a good doctors appointment yesterday and emotionally, I feel better for it.  My doctor had been away for a few weeks, so I was really happy to connect with her for the first time with this pregnancy.  She was so excited!!

She did a doppler scan and we were both excited to have found bubbies heartbeat.  It was a relief and a thrill all at the same time.  So, after a week of feeling quite anxious and nervous, I am finally starting to relax into the pregnancy a little bit.  I am really looking to when he/she is kicking around inside me and I get constant reassurances!

We got the results of our 12 week scan last week and everything looks great.  Our risk factor for Downs etc is very low and all test and images show a healthy baby and pregnancy.  Another sigh of relief!

Today, I have to not feel guilty about work and just take care of myself.  Bubbie and my health is the most important thing.  I am so grateful to be able to work from home and be able to take the time when I need it.  And I have an understanding brother for a boss!  Blessings.

I thought I would post a little video of bubbie doing jumps inside my womb during our 12 week scan.  The file didn't come over very well, so hubbie put the one good jump we got on video into a loop.  Jump and slide back down, jump and sliiiide back down!

Finished with artificial hormones!

Over the last two weeks, the fertility clinic has been weaning me off all the artificial hormones I have been taking to help support the pregnancy.  As of three days ago, I am no longer taking anything!

The difference is huge!  I feel so much better.  I know part of it is getting past the 12 week scan and part of it is moving into the second trimester.  But a big part of it, I believe, is no more extra progesterone and estrogen.  I'm not so tired, I can focus on work again and my nausea seems to be a bit better too.

What a relief!  The sense of freedom is huge.  I was on them three times a day for 10 weeks!  Had to lay down for 30 minutes after each dose, then couldn't go to the toilet for at least an hour afterwards.  It is so nice to be able to go to the toilet when I want to!!  lol!

I have one more blood test tomorrow just to make sure the levels are ok without any assistance.  Hopefully everything is fine.

.............

Another day has passed since I wrote the above and I'm getting restless now about bubs.  Its been 5 days since the 12 week scan and some anxiety is creeping back again.  Our next scan is in another 5 days when we see the OB for the results of the nuchal testing etc.

I just have to take each day as it comes and trust that everything is still okay.  I look at the photos and videos from the 12 week scan and that helps.  I feel certain things in my body and that helps.

One day at a time, one scan at a time!

Love and light
xx

12 weeks and bubs is going strong

Yesterday was our  12 week scan.  Everything is still going really well!  I almost can't believe it.  It is so surreal.  We are now in new territory having never gotten this far before in our previous pregnancies.

So much to catch up on in 6 weeks...

Last week was a terrible week leading up to our 12 week scan.  That was the week our last baby died in utero and I was paralysed with fear.  I spent a couple of days in bed with exhaustion and it took me a while to realise that some of that exhaustion was not the pregnancy but the unconscious fears I was living with.

Now that we have passed the hump of the 12 week scan my tiredness has gone back to its normal pregnancy exhaustion!  I can function again in otherwords!

We've had a scan every week since the bleed at 6 weeks just to check on everything and also to maintain my sanity!  :)  Each week was good and each week we saw our little one bouncing around inside me.  He/She is an active one, always on the move and seeming to play chasey with the scanner!  :) :) Measurements have been great every week.  It was good, and also necessary, to be reassured every week that things were progressing normally.

At 10.5 weeks, we had our first OB appointment.  That also went well and the doctor assured us that there was absolutely nothing that he was worried about.  Everything looked great.

We go back at 13.5 weeks to get the results of the nuchal test and other tests that I had - blood and urine.  The scan was a good start to the nuchal test with a measurement of just 1.4 mm.  As long as its under 3.5 mm, all should be good.  A normal measurement is 1.3 mm, so we are right on the mark!  So now we wait on the combined tests for the nuchal.  But we are feeling pretty relaxed about that.

As for me, I'm dealing with nausea quite a bit, particularly when I have to cook or prepare food, or sometimes just look at food!!  But I'm very grateful not to have had any vomiting.  A fantastic blessing to be sure!  :)

I've also got a lot of lower abdomen discomfort with the muscles and ligaments stretching and getting ready for expansion.  And then there are the times when my bowels/digestion cause me severe pain as everything moves around.  That is fun - not!  :)

Then there are the temperature fluctuations in my body, with heat at night being a particular problem.  But that does seem to be settling down a little bit.

I always said that if I was pregnant I would be grateful for every bit of pain and discomfort I was in.  And now that we are passed the 12 week mark, I most definitely am.  It was a bit harder before that, when I was also always on the edge of anxiety, but I always kept that thought in mind and tried to focus on the gratitudes rather than the fear.

There is still a question mark over us about our pregnancy.  With our history, I think it will always be there.  But the ? is a lot smaller now and we are happy to tell a few other people about our news.  So, keep your fingers crossed.  We are doing really well so far and can only pray that bubbie continues to grow as beautifully as he/she has been so far.  We love you little one!!

6 weeks, 6 days

6 weeks, 5 days and still pregnant!  We hope...

We had a bit of scary drama on Friday night...

I had a bleed.  We thought - thats it, its all over. Turns out, its not.  Big deep breath out.

It was 9.30 pm.  We called the clinic straight away and were very thankful that it was our fertility doctor who was on call that weekend.  She talked us through a few things, including that a bleed doesn't necessarily mean a miscarriage and suggested we go to the hospital for a scan.

By 4 am we had finally left the hospital with no clear result but with hope that things were still ok.  The scan showed that there was a yolk sac, but no proof of life.  At 5 weeks, 5 days it was too early to know.

The clinic got us in for a scan on Monday and wow!!, they detected a fetal heartbeat!  They were quite clear before the scan that it was very unlikely they would detect one at 6 weeks, but sometimes it happened.  Really what they were looking for was signs of the yolk sac and a healthy uterus.  They found that as well.

The scan showed that no bleeding had occured from the uterus, the lining was good, the sac was good, everything looked as it should.  And of course, a heartbeat!

So they believe the bleeding came from the cervix.  With all the hormones I am taking, the cervix has been weakened.  And before the bleed, I had done some vaccuming and mopping, which could have been the issue.

After having another little issue a few days later when I did some more vaccuming, we know that this is the cause.  So, I've been ordered off housework.  With Dave in full swing of work, he just not have time to take up the slack, so we have to get a cleaner.  Its not financially good for us, but it might only be for a few weeks, until I stop taking hormones and the cervix gains some strength.

Since then, I have been brown spotting every day.  I do wish it would stop.  While its not scary because it is nothing fresh, it still leaves us with mild anxiety as we wait for everything to heal.

The other difficulty is in the depth of my exhaustion.  I've tried to keep up walking believing that would be helping, but I've been ordered of that as well for the next few weeks.  It is just more important that all my energy goes into growing our baby.

So, a scare, and a few resulting frustrations.  But, I can live it with it all knowing that is ensuring the continuation of our pregnancy and the health of our growing baby.

Tomorrow we go for a follow up scan to make sure things are still developing as they should.  We will both sigh a big relief if this one is also good.  Considering my daily nausea as well as tiredness and muscular stretching pains, I think the chances are good!

Trust

This post is designed to try and pull me out of my fear and back into Trust, cause I really need to.

I had my final blood test before our scan on Monday.  Everything is still going forward.  My HCG levels are now just under 10,000 and the other hormones are progressing as well.  But it just all seems to have slowed down.

I was expecting the hormones to be around 15,000 give or take.  So when they weren't I questioned how the progress was going.  The nurse assured me that you can't give a lot of status to the numbers at this stage.  According to their pregnancy hormone chart, I am still doing fine.  It is the scan on Monday that will really tell us what is going on.  All going well, we will hear a heartbeat or two.  She said the fact that hormones are still increasing shows that the cells are still dividing and progressing.  That I wasn't to worry.

I'm just not sure if she is just trying to comfort me until the scan or she really believes that things are going ok.

I'm so scared that things have slowed down and aren't progressing properly anymore.

I need to let go of this fear and Trust.  But I'm not sure how to do that.

I think what I will do for now is lay down and do my Light and Love meditation.  Imagine bubby (ies) inside me and send them all the good energy I can.  Deep breathing will also relax me and get me focused on what is important.  Being positive about our pregnancy and trusting that all is going ok.

This isn't an easy process.  It's hard to feel the joy.  But we are still further along than we have ever gotten before and I need to be grateful for that and allow that to generate Hope.

Deep breaths.

Trust.

Be so thankful and amazed that we have gotten this far.

Let go.

Anxiety and another blood test

Thursday afternoon saw me in tears with worry and calling the clinic for another blood test.  I'd been trying so hard not to be anxious about how things were going.  I was doing really well until Thursday arvo!

After the phone call I felt so much better just knowing I was getting checked the next day.  My pregnancy hormones have gone up nicely.  Not as much as I hoped for or expected but still at the top of the range of the chart I put up yesterday and the nurse was happy with the HCG numbers as well as my oestrogen and progesterone.  HCG 4890.  Up from 1938 on Monday.  So we are still going along fine.  Phewww!

I really do feel so much better now.  I'm starting to feel more relaxed and trusting in the process.  And able to just let things progress however they progress.

I do wish that I would stop brown spotting though.  I had it about a week ago and it started again two days ago.  I know that it is nothing to worry about.  Brown blood is old blood.  But I really would prefer not to have it!!

Anita asked me a few questions in her comment yesterday so I thought I would answer them here!  Hi Anita!  And Hi Jen as well.  Thank you for you comments!

"Sooo... how ya feelin'?! :) Sleeping well? Any cravings yet? Tired?"

How AM I feeling?
It's such a mix of feelings going on.  I don't feel that I've gotten to the point of being excited yet (after the initial BFP that is!).  I think that might happen once we get to hearing the heartbeat.
Any time I have any symptomatic pains I am really happy.  The morning I woke up and my boobs didn't hurt, I got worried. Come to think of it - that was Thursday!  But they started hurting again later in the day!  YEA!!!  lol
Today though, I am mostly feeling pretty calm and that is good.

Sleeping well?
Yes, apart from the hot/cold thing.  Blankets on, blankets off, blankets on, blankets off.  I just keep going back and forth with my body temperature.
Oh, and I've upped my water intake, so I'm going to the toilet at least twice during the night as well!
But, I am going back to sleep straight away and getting enough sleep.

Cravings? 
No.  Expect for wanting to eat really well with lots of vegetables and very little sugary treats.  I'm amazed at what I am not craving.  I have none of the food cravings that I usually have with my food addiction.  I still have problems with the mental need for compulsive eating, but as I absolutely don't want junk, it is not eventuating.  Most interesting.

Tired? 
Yes!  On and off.  I am able to rest quite a bit, so I take advantage of it and any tiredness I have is not overwhelming me.

Well, thats it for today!  Thank you everyone for you support.  Oo, yes I am a little excited now!  Nice!

Love and Light
xx

Third blood test

We had our third blood test on Monday - at 5 weeks/Day 35 - and things are still looking good.  My HCG levels had risen to 1938 - up from 265 on Friday.   Working on the premise of them doubling every two days, I didn't expect them to be that high.  However, the nurse said that was where they would expect them to be and on looking up an on-line chart, it was confirmed.

HCG Levels in Single and Twin Pregnancy
Days from LMP*	HCG Range** for Singleton Pregnancy	HCG Range for Multiple Pregnancy
28	9.4-120	9.5-120
33	300-600	200-1,800
36	1,200-1,800	2,400-36,000
40	2,400-4,800	8,700-108,000
45	12,000-60,000	72,000-180,000
70	96,000-144,000	348,000-480,000

Going from this chart, it looks like we may only have one, not two bubbies growing.  But until confirmed, I am going to continue talking to two of them!

Our first scan has been cancelled now.  This clinic will just wait for the seven week scan (rather than doing a six week scan as well), which in my case, will be seven and a half weeks (fingers crossed!).  I am a little disappointed, but I understand.  They feel that there wouldn't be much to see any earlier than that and there certainly wouldn't be a heartbeat, so it wouldn't be to my advantage to scan earlier.

As long as I keep getting regularly checked with blood tests so I know things are going ok, then that will be alright.

It is up to me how often I get blood tested.  The OB says that at this stage, they will do whatever I need to feel comfortable and not stressed.  Isn't that amazing???  It's such a great clinic!  And our OB Louise is just awesome.  And while I am debating with myself about getting tested on Friday, I think Monday will be fine.  A week will give us a really good idea on what is happening and besides, it is stressful waiting for the results of tests as well!!

I am still nervous about it all.  I think it will be quite some time before that disappears.  Each test has helped me to feel better and I hope that each upcoming test will continue in the same way.

In the meantime, I keep remembering to TRUST.  It helps me so much to just let go and accept.  It brings a joy over the pregnancy and a feeling of letting go of all the worries that I have.  I just have to say it constantly, because I keep forgetting!

There are so many people out there, including us, praying for us and have their fingers crossed that our pregnacy continues to blossom.  It is wonderful to know how we are being supported by our friends and family and also by Spirit.

Follow up test

After a stressful couple of days, todays test results show that our pregnancy is progressing really well!!!  HCG levels have gone from 99 two days ago, to 265 today - they've nearly tripled!!

I am SO relieved!  We are still pregnant!

It's been a tough two days.  Once the initial excitement were off, I started worrying.  Please, please, please embies, keep growing, snuggle in, HCG levels keep rising.  I've been so scared.  I've been really trying not to but it's just been there.  Waiting for these results have been so much harder than waiting for the initial result saying we were pregnant.  It felt like there was so much more at stake.

And then I started spotting a little.  The leftover crinone began releasing with specks of colour in it.  Mostly the colour was brown, but sometimes it wasn't so brown.  And then today I started spotting more.  Once again though, mostly old blood.  The times when it wasn't quite brown absolutely terrified me.

And the results took so long to come in.  I was expecting them by 2 pm at the latest.  They didn't come in till 5 pm.  It's been a tough day.  But finally they arrived and I couldn't believe the number.  265!!!

The nurse said not to worry about the spotting.  The crinone release is normal and as long as the blood is old it is all good.  As for the couple of times I felt it wasn't quite old, she said is could be anything.  Implantation blood even.  Shes taken note of it and will follow up on Monday but she said not to worry.  That my levels were terrific.  And we are doing everything that needs to be done.  She said go away and have a relaxing Easter!  Things are progressing well.

I go in again on Monday for a final follow up blood test.  That one should be around 1000 in hcg levels.  So fingers crossed.

A friend said today that I just need to trust.  TRUST.  It is a good word.  A reassuring word.  A word of faith and belief.  A word of confidence.  A word of peacefulness, serenity, love.  I like it.

This afternoon I started wearing around my wrist, the pouch of buddhist prayers my dear friend brought back from Japan with me.  It is the one that I had with me on our wedding day, and I took with me to both the egg harvest and embryo transfer.  It really helped me to settle down a little this afternoon.  And I guess it brought with it Trust and Faith.

It is still on my wrist!

So now I go away with Trust in my heart and soul and know that once again we are progressing well through each step of the IVF process.

It worked!

I know its early days BUT......................

I'm pregnant!!!!!!!

It worked!

YEAAAAAAAAA!

Okay, now that the excitement is expressed....  the details!

I got tested a day early for two reasons - I had to call the clinic about another matter and earlier in the day I cheated and took a home pregnancy test which was positive!   The funny story is that the nurse guessed I had taken the test!  I asked her how long the pregnyl stays in your system because I wondered if maybe I was getting a false positive.  She answered my question and then said "You took a pregnancy test didn't you??!!"  LOL  :):)  When I told the nurse yes, she said, "Well, lets get you tested a day early!" 

My HCG levels were 99 - which is great.  My estrogen and progesterone levels are also good.  The nurse even started talking about my 6 week scan and my due date and, wow, I couldn't believe it!

The next step is another test in two days to see if the the pregnancy is developing as it should.  And then I will have another follow up next week.  The prayers will continue and the fingers will still be tightly crossed for the next week(s).

It worked! We made it to this the biggest step along the journey.  Yes, there are still more steps to go before we are safe.  None of my pregnancies have made it passed 6 weeks, but so far so fantastic!!

My other pregnancies were natural conceptions.  This one feels better because good embryos were selected, I'm being monitored and I'm on drugs to assist the pregnancy.

Part of me is scared to be excited.  Another part of is so relieved!  I'm pregnant.  All that I've gone through is, so far, paying fruition.  I think I will stick with the excited emotion for a while and run with it.  I'm going to talk to my baby/babies and keep encouraging them to grow.  I'm going to keep doing my golden white light meditations.

The journey isn't over but we've finally made it this far!

Thank you, thank you!

Two more days

Two more sleeps till our pregnancy blood test.  The wait is driving me mad.  We are now at the stage where I could do a home test, but with the chance of false readings from all the hormones, I am hesitant to do so.  Of course, being at this stage also means that every time I go to the toilet I have my fingers crossed that things are still staying positive.

I assume the clinic waits an extra couple of days past the two weeks just to see what happens, to make sure that there has been no period.  But it's torture for me!!!  :)

It's been a few days since I posted, so a quick update...

Friday saw me laying down in the car on the way to a funeral for Logans paternal grandmother with really sharp pains in my belly/uterus.  They were either from running around too much getting ready or possibly they were implantation cramps.  Hopefully they were implantation pains!  Either way they were most uncomfortable and prevented from being able to take care of Logan properly.  Mum stepped in as his other main babysitter and held him for me.

Dave didn't want me taking any risks in holding him and putting strain on my abdominal muscles and uterus.  I was okay for a little while, but it didn't take long to start to hurt. The pain lasted until I was able to get home and rest.

Over the weekend, I have developed pains similiar to menstrual pains.  It is frustrating that pregnancy pains and period pains can be the same!  However, these pains I usually only feel when I am acutally bleeding and as I'm not.....,  my fingers are still crossed.  I've also woken up throughout the night with nausea, not to a vomiting stage or anywhere near that, just an unpleasant nausea feeling.  Then it goes once I fully awaken in the morning.  It is too early to be feeling morning sickness, so I'm not sure what that means.

I had trouble on my walk yesterday.  I was huffing and puffing up a very slight incline that I wouldn't normally think about and I slowed down as the walk progressed.  I do feel quite lethargic.  But once again, that doesn't necessarily mean pregnancy.  Whatever is going on in my body, it is going through a lot and tiredness, I guess, is to be expected.

So, I live in a state of fear, hopefullness, unsure, positivity, back to fear.  It just goes on and on.  Other times, I place my hands on my belly and talk to my embies and try and get any sensations of them being there and growing.  Sometimes I think I am aware of something, an energy, an awareness.  But who knows.  I had the same feeling before and things didn't work out in the end.  I stay hopeful though.

Post Theatre

Theatre went well yesterday.

Aside from the anaesthetist who, upon having trouble getting the needle into my hand, tried to put it into my wrist instead.  The pain was excriating.  He then gave me gas to relax me so he could try to get it into my other hand.  Of course I was even more tense after what he had just done to my hand and wrist!  And I hated the gas as well.  It was awful.  But finally the needle went in the other hand.  Why he didn't try my other hand first before trying my wrist is beyond me.
 
When I woke from theatre the only pain I had was the excriating pain in my wrist.  My abdomen was fine!  I couldn't move my arm at all without agony.  My wrist was iced by the nurses and a cream put on it to try to bring out the bruising and encourage faster healing.  Today it is better, but I still need to be careful.  I can type in short bursts (this post is taking a long time to put together!), but I can't undo bottles/jars or do up my bra!  I made sure to get dressed before Dave left for work so he could help me  :)  So, no permanent damage to my wrist thank goodness.  Just a really nasty bruise covering my inner wrist and a dark red blotch where the needle went in.

We got 7 eggs which the OB was happy with.  I was hoping for 8-10, but 7 is still good.  After all, we only need one good one!  Of those 7, one was immature and one didn't fertilise.  So we have 5 embryos starting to grow!  Fingers crossed they continue to grow!

Wednesday I start the Crinone (progesterone cream).

Thursday I start aspirin 100 mg and Clexane 40 mg.
One of the results of my multiple blood screenings was that I have a problem with blood clotting.  I don't know what that means in regards to my overall health, I will investigate that further later on.  But in regards to pregnancy, it means that it can be more difficult for implantation to fully take hold.  So, I will be on these two drugs until further notice.  The clexane is another daily injection - just great!  Not!

Friday we go in for the transfer - fingers crossed of course that we get at least one good embryo.

Monday I go into the clinic for a pregnyl 500iu injection.  I haven't had this one before either.  This one helps keep the lining of the womb all nice and juicy for implantation.

And then on Wednesday the 27th, if I haven't started my period, I go in for a pregnancy test.

My OB is pulling out all the stops for this one.  Giving it everything she can.  I'm glad.  Because I really don't think I can go through it again.  Especially theatre.  The anxiety I feel going in there is so high and I so wanted to jump off that bed and say "I'm calling it off, I'm calling it off".  But of course I didn't.

And theatre is still not the end of it as you can see from the list above.  I'm tired of being poked and prodded.  I'm tired of feeling so many array of emotions and physical symptoms.  I'm really tired of injections.  My coping skills are really struggling with that one.

Please, please, please let this one work.

Next update!

The last two mornings have been a bit of a challenge with tiredness and nausea plaguing me.  Particularly this morning when I had to drag myself out of bed and head off to work!  However, at this point, I am finding that it is only lasting for a few hours and then I'm feeling okay again.

There is definitely some bloating as well and occasional cramps or a feeling of heaviness.  Still nothing to write home about - so to speak!

My first scan was yesterday and everything is growing nicely.  I have another one tomorrow and that may decide when I go into theatre.

Dave comes home tomorrow (fingers crossed) - Yippeeee!

A few other things have been happening that feel like things are falling into place.

Four - My home has gradually been getting additions of a change of baby clothes, bottles, and food.   With the extra last minute babysitting, J hasn't had time to properly pack for him.  It's just been a quick drop off between rushed hospital visits.  So, I went shopping and bought a couple of things to keep here.

It's been so lovely seeing baby clothes hanging on the line and I have a drawer in the spare room that I am keeping everything in.  Unfortunately, due to past experiences, I have stopped really believing in signs, but this feels like just one more thing that is keeping me positive about us succeeding this time around.  It's a new thing for me to have these things in the house and I like it.

Five - I'm also so ready to have a "mummy" car.  I keep looking at cars on the road for the one that I would like.  Thats also new.

So lots of things are feeling good.  It just all remains to be seen doesn't it??!!

Feeling Good!

My blood tests results came back very positively yesterday.  My FSH levels are exactly where they need to be in order for the IVF drugs to work their best wonders.

I gave myself my first injection last night with no problems.  I was so worried about going through these next two weeks without Dave.  In fact 24 hours ago, I would have said I wasn't coping.  But something shifted during the day yesterday and I feel great!  Don't ask me what it was.  I wouldn't have a clue!!!

I'm feeling really, really positive about this round.  I know that can be a dangerous place to go when the let down can then be even bigger, but I don't care!  I'm feeling really good about the possiblity of being successful this time around and I intend to go with this feeling!

So many things seem to be falling into place at the moment. 

One - The freakiest one of all is the level of syncronicity between my kinesiologist and my therapist.  Everytime a new things come up with one person, it is also comes up with the other.  It's crazy!  And I love it!  I feel like they are working together.  And I really believe that I have been led to both of them at this time in my life.

I feel like there are some really significant breakthroughs going on in my pysche and that I am finally beginning to take some small steps toward releasing some long held patterns and issues in my life.  And to be doing that just before a baby comes along, is simply wondrous.  I have always wanted to be in a place where I am not passing on to much "garbage" to my child.  So that they don't inherit and have to deal with all the difficult things that I have had to.  We bring so much into our lives that need healing as it is, it would be nice not to give my child all my "garbage" on top of that as well.

Anyway, it is just baby steps, but I'm feeling so good about it all at the moment.  It is giving me the feeling of the timing being just right.  And that, as I let go and heal from my own issues, I will be a much better mother.

Two - And then there is starting to babysit my great nephew every week.  My maternal instincts have been switched on with him and I am loving the role of being his caretaker once a week.  I love it more than I thought I would and it just fits me to a tee!  It's made me more excited about being a mum.

Three - Without my intending it to be, my work hours have dropped quite a lot this year.  I have more time, less stress and I am beginning to love my life once more.  I am certainly enjoying work more which is just wonderful.  In fact, I could even begin to say, I'm starting to love it again.  I haven't been able to say that for years!

As a result, I am beginning to enjoy my home life more.  I'm getting out into the garden, I'm keeping up with the bookwork.  I'm back to regular exercise.  I'm not feeling this constant pressure to have to keep up with everything because I have more time to achieve what needs to be done.

I am grateful to be in this place now, after two months of really struggling.  Thank you!!!

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A truly happy one for today! One of my favs of Dave!

Here we go!

Day 1 today.  Here we go on Round 4!

I must admit to being extremely nervous this time around.  Mostly because Dave is not here.  He is away until the end of next week, so I am doing the first two weeks all by myself this time.  Injections, emotions, tiredness etc etc without his support.  I know he would rather be here with me, but he can't.  And I am scared.

I've gone through so much all ready this year.  It was good for a while to be able to grieve in my own space without him here, but after a while it became difficult to go through it all alone.  My friends have started calling me a "wine vintage widow".  It's been full on for him this season.  I've never seen it like this.  But hopefully all the hard work, the stress and hours on the road will pay off. 

I start this round with Day 2 blood tests tomorrow.  We are testing for the usual FSH, Prog, E2 to see how effective this round might be, but also for HCG just to make sure I'm not pregnant.  Not that is really any chance of that and the start of this period feels normal, not the like the last time when it turned out I was pregnant.

I go to the clinic tomorrow to pick up the drugs and we will sort out the rest of the dates.  I begin taking the puregon tomorrow.  This time, the OB has increased the dosage to 300 in the hope of getting a few more eggs, but not enough that I will get ovarian hyper stimulation - it's all such a fine balance!

Wish me luck!

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Today's photo - one of the fun ones!

Reenergized

The last two days things have been so much better.  My energy levels have returned and I have been eager to be active and physical.  My body has finally caught up to my headspace.  And I have to thank my amazing naturopath.

I had my appointment on Thursday.  I expected to come back with a stronger antidepressant.  But I didn't test positive for that at all.  Instead, I came out with only one thing.  NeuroCalm for nervous tension and anxiety.  And since I've been taking it, I have felt SO much better.  And after only have one day.

Kelly (naturopath) uses muscle testing to be sure on what it is that my body needs.  She came back into the office with a selection of things.

• In one of my recent blood tests, I had tested high for insulin.  On further testing everything was fine.  But I was still concerned.  She brought in a few different remedies for that issue.
• I told her which antidepressant had worked really well for me in the past.  
• She also brought in the NeuroCalm and and a few other odds and ends she wanted to try.

I was amazed when I tested negative for the antidepressant.  Really?!! How interesting.
I was totally relieved when I didn't need anything related to high insulin.  Kelly said that one of the things that can cause high insulin is stress.  And considering the stress tablets were the only ones I needed, well that just all makes sense.

I decided to also have a body composition analysis.  I had one on our honeymoon cruise which showed a very high water retention level.  I then went on the prescribed herbal remedies and changed a few things in my diet with the focus being on acid vs alkaline foods.  A month later my water retention has reduced by a third.  Great news!

On the other hand, my calculated age from all the other CBA tests was high.  Oh dear!  For some reason, that has turned into a big reality check, has confirmed fears that I have about my physical well being, and has been a cataylst for being able to move beyond compulsive eating.  Don't get me wrong, the CE is still there, but I don't want to be the physical age that the CBA showed.

One of the factors in the test is muscle mass, which for me was low.  With all that has gone on, I haven't done pilates or gone to the gym for a few months.  Fortunately I had already made my appointment for my pilates review and I start today.  That should help as well!

It is such a relief to moving beyond my time of grief and isolation.  I'm moving through my new cycle getting ready to start the next ICSI round and I will come at with greater health.  I am actively seeking things to do that are physically active.  I want to exert myself.  Whether it be gardening, weeding, exercising.  Which means at the same time, I am getting on top of some long awaited jobs!

I am grateful.

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I haven't put up any of our professional wedding photos yet.  So I thought I would finish each post with a photo of our joyful day!

Another brief pregnancy

Following on from conceiving after we got married and not succeeding with that pregnancy, I then proceeded to conceive again the very next cycle - on our honeymoon!  That also would have been a good story - but was also not to be.

This loss was so much harder for so many reasons.  Two in a row.  And also this one went for longer and started with a little bit of hope.

My hormone levels were monitored right from the moment I knew that I had implanted.  The first two tests gave us some hope.  But more importantly this pregnancy FELT different.  I felt as though I had a little life growing in me, I felt a connection, a prescence.  It might sound strange and I don't know what other women have experienced in that regard.  But I felt something completely different to the other two times.

So when we got the third blood test that showed that things were progressing as they should, we were so disappointed.  For another three weeks I was monitored.  The pregnancy kept hobbling along with no real progress, but my hcg levels kept rising just a little bit every time.  However, instead of doubling every 2 days, I would only go up my 20.  By the end of those three weeks, instead of being in the thousands, I was at 180.

And then I started bleeding.  And I shut down.  Even now, I am still struggling, but I'm better.  I lost any interest in anything.  I stayed home, didn't do anything, watched TV.  Every now and then something would grab my attention and I would be so glad to do it.  But for the most part, there was nothing.  Not even any tears.  Just nothing.

I was grateful to be on school holidays and I didn't judge myself for my behaviour.  I just let it all happen and allowed myself to respond in whatever way I needed. 

I bled for a week, then a week later I started bleeding again.  It was old blood that still needed to remove itself.  It was unpleasant.  And has nearly lasted for a week so far.

This loss has hit me hard.  I finally cried about it a few days ago.  Even now, writing this, the tears are welling up.  We were so desperate to start an IVF round in November last year.  To grab those eggs of mine before they got any older.  To be assured of getting a good embryo to transfer.  Now, two natural invalid pregnancies later, we are still waiting and my eggs are getting older.

So this cycle, there will no unprotected sex!!  It helps that Dave is away for most of the month with work!  And we will try for our fourth ICSI round next cycle.

I have had copious amounts of blood taken and am being tested for all sorts of things, including the antiobodies that can cause miscarriage.  So far all the tests have come back healthy, but the antibodies test takes longer to come in.  It could be a few more weeks yet before we now that one.

The positive thing in all of this, is that my body is trying to get pregnant.  We went three and a half years with only one pregnancy in that time and now...  two cycles in a  row, I have conceived.  Something has changed. 

• I think a lot of it has to do with having the polyp removed from my uterine wall last round.  
• It is also the prayers that were being said for an entire month by the monks in Japan which my beautiful friend organised for me on her holidays.  
• It could be the kinesiology sessions I have been having and the counselling sessions that are matching up with the kinesiology in a way that is just a little freaky.  
• I also like to think it's because we are married now.

Whatever the reason, it has given us, and even my doctor, a little more hope that if we can just find the right embryo, things will turn out well.

IVF round one

Well, we have finished our first round of IVF – unsuccessfully.  I have a month off now to recover and then we go again.

Unfortunately, we only got one viable embryo, which was of course implanted.  So with no frozen embryos to use, I need to go through the whole process again to produce more eggs.

It was a difficult month.  I didn’t have any trouble with the injections nor did I go through any mood swings which was great.  But I was exhausted.  All the time exhausted. 

And then there was the ovary bleed.  After the egg retrieval, I had what I thought was the usual discomfort after this procedure, only to wake up in complete and utter agony in the middle of the night.  It was excruciating.  Fortunately our clinic has a 24 hour service and we called them at 1 am. 
The doctor on call was fantastic.  He diagnosed what was wrong and I went on a high dose of pain medication and we were able to manage.  I couldn’t move on my own, couldn’t get out of bed, couldn’t straighten.  It hurt so much to pee even.  I was on my back for a week.  And then I continued to get spasms of pain right up until I sadly got my period.  I knew something wasn’t right.  I said to Dave “being pregnant shouldn’t feel like this”.  That night we found out I wasn’t.  Even now, a week after my period has finished, I still feel mild symptoms of discomfort which could be the residue of the reproduction system getting a complete battering!

The next working day after the bleed began, I was at the clinic having blood tests and scans to confirm the diagnosis.  Fortunately it wasn’t ovarian hyperstimulation, but a bleed from the ovary.  The doctor is not sure whether it began a day after the surgery or was a slow bleed that took a while to manifest.  Either way, it didn’t matter, we knew what was wrong.
 
In the end, I had two weeks off work from the exhaustion before the retrieval and then from the bleed.  The end result of all of that, is that I have cut my teaching back a day.  There is no way I can go through all of that again and try and maintain the same workload.  I am so relieved!!  As of now, I am teaching one day less.  Woohoo!

We learnt a lot from the egg fertilisation.  They got 10 eggs and they fertilised half via IVF (natural selection) and half via ICSI (where they inject the sperm into the egg.) 

From the IVF procedure we only got one embryo.  Apparently as you get older, the outer lining of the egg hardens and it is harder for the sperm to break through. That explains a lot.
From the ICSI , we got 4 embryos! 

However, none of the ICSI embryos developed.  It was the IVF embryo that got through to a stage of being able to implant.  But even that had a lot of fragmentation and the doctor wasn’t really happy with it.

So, over the last three years of us trying, if one of the little suckers actually managed to break through the outer lining, we may have been fertilising eggs and they just didn’t develop. 

I am feeling a little disheartened with the results and what we have learnt.  I knew age was a real factor but this bit of science really made it a reality.  Nevertheless, we go again in a few weeks.  And I need every minute of those weeks to recover – both emotionally and physically.

I’m  not doing so well right now.  My anxiety levels are up and I am just not with it.  All I really want to do is hide away in bed and read.  But after next week, I have two weeks holiday, so the timing of that is terrific!

The Cloud

Today all rational and clear thinking has evaporated and I have awoken in a cloud of depression.  It probably hasn’t helped that I haven’t eaten well the last couple of days, but that is all a part of the way I’ve unconsciously always handled sadness.  Unfortunately, it also creates a vicious cycle. 

I don’t think today will be a day to try and face that as well though.  D has to work today.  A unrealistic customer means he has to work throughout the weekend to meet this customers demands.  Which means I am on my own today (Saturday), which is probably not a good thing. Because now I can just curl up in a ball and be consumed by todays depression.  D can so often bring laughter back into my spirit. 

I’ve been bleeding for nearly a week now.  And it could go on for another week yet.  Natural miscarriage always last longer than having a d+c.  But I’m glad that I’ve been able to stay away from a curette. But whatever way, it all sucks.  Big time.

I called the doctor today to find out the results of yesterdays blood tests. My HCG levels are down to 17 - from 74 on Tuesday and 310 on Sunday.  So, there is no need to get another test.  The trend is clear.  Pre-pregnancy numbers are back.

Right now I don’t feel that I can cope with anything.  I have to work again next week and I just don’t see how I can do it.  But I have no choice.  I have to.  I must get back to eating well.  I know that will help.  And that was meant to be one of the good things to come out of being pregnant – healthy eating.  But it hasn’t lasted through these emotions.

I will be glad to move pass this part of the recovery process.

The Follow Up

We went back to the hospital yesterday for an ultra sound and another blood test.  Both confirmed the miscarriage.  The positive side is that there are no complications.  My ovaries and uterus look healthy. There is no ectopic pregnancy and no need for a clean out.  So that’s it.  It’s done.  And we start again.

It will probably take a few weeks for my body to get back to normal.  But hopefully I will return to ovulating next cycle. D pointed out the fact that for so long I didn’t feel that I had been ovulating.  And then I had two cycles we I finally felt that I had.  And on that second cycle we got pregnant!  So that is also a positive.  As long as I ovulate, we can conceive.

I told Queen Naturo yesterday and after talking about how devastated she is for us, she told us what we had heard several times at the hospital.  That it is quite common for a first pregnancy to end in miscarriage.  And then people can go on to have an easy pregnancy the second time around.  It’s as though the body has to be reminded of what to do!  I have had several stories since of people having that experience.  So another hopeful way of looking at things.  My 42 year old body has had a reminder of how to be pregnant!

Things in my body are gradually returning to normal.  With each new thing I notice, I feel a deep sense of sadness.  I so enjoyed all the signs of pregnancy.  It’s going to take a little while for me to recover.  It doesn’t matter how much how look at the positive side, I still have a grieving and healing process to go through.

Yesterday, the anger hit.  It was from the moment my eyes opened in the morning.  It didn’t last too long and I alternated between anger and sadness and a feeling of deep emptiness.  The anger seems to have disappeared now.  Now I alternate between normality and sadness.  It is good to have normality appear in the scheme of things!  A step forward.

First baby appointment

We had our first baby appointment today – with my GP.  She gave us the run down of our options, share care between her and the OB, full care with the OB at the private hospital, or the public system.  We are choosing (with her recommendation) to go full care with the OB, purely because of my age and weight.  I will be considered to be a high risk pregnancy and we want to ensure the best care every step of the way.  It will cost us more, but we don’t care!!!  She also said that if I am classified as high risk, which is probable, I wouldn’t be allowed to do share care with her anyway. 

So, we will see her next week for the ultra sound results and then it will be off to the private hospital to meet our new OB.  We can still see her (the GP) in between appointments if we have any niggling concerns about how I am feeling.  It is wonderful to know that she will be there for us if needed. 

So, on Tuesday we will have our first ultra sound, to determine the age of the baby, hear the heartbeat and anything other things that needed to be observed.  She wasn’t able to give us a due date because my cycles are longer and irregular.  So, she said wait until I am well and truly definitely 6 weeks and then the ultra sound will tell us the age of our baby!!  We are SO excited.  I can’t wait – especially for the heartbeat!!

There were cautions as well of course.  The need for testing for chromosone defects, the options we have with that and the risks involved.  That was all quite scary.  But overall, I came out of that appointment feeling great.

She confirmed that the abdomen pains I have been feeling are completely normal.  Yeh!  And answered a lot of other questions that we had.

What a different experience than seeing the OB a few weeks ago about starting IVF. I labelled him the Doom and Gloom man, because he threw at us so many negative statistics about getting pregnant at my age.  We walked out of there so disheartened and concerned.

Needless to say, he won’t be our OB!!

In contrast, my doctor quoted one of the same statistics but put it in a completely positive light.  She said that there might be 1 in 70 of having a down syndrome child.  But that meant there was 69 in 70 chance that we won’t!!  A much better way of looking at it!!

So, the ball is rolling and we are moving along.  **Sigh**  It is so exciting!!