Anticipation

This is the first time in three years that I am looking forward to getting my period.  It’s really quite bizarre!  I am keen to get started on the IVF drugs and get a step closer to possibly being a Mum.

Although I have to admit, if it takes a few days, that will probably be a good thing.  I started the Curves Complete program today and a few days on the eating plan will hopefully put me in a better place to deal with the drugs.  I’m posting about my journey with that in my Creating Peaceful Thoughts blog.  It won’t be an easy one for me either, but it is a wonderful opportunity to get pro-active once again with my positive thinking.

I feel better today about starting my first IVF round.  Last night, I went to bed feeling quite good and woke up the same way this morning.  It has been a while since that has been the case.  I have a strong feeling of things happening as they are meant to.

For instance, one of my goals these last two months was to lose weight so that when I got measured for my wedding dress, I would be down a size.  That didn’t happen.  In fact, although I had lost a couple of kilos, the ladies at the bridal store felt that I would be better to go up a size.  What??!!  Well, they made sense.  The dress will look much better with the laces tied up closer together and it’s only a number after all.  The good thing about it.  I still want to lose weight, but having the next size up dress, will give me room to move if I am pregnant and bubby needs the space!  And if not, it can always be taken in.

So, I’m happy about that.  It’s meant to be this way.  Life has waited until today to bring me to a place of good dietary changes in order to make sure I get a dress size that will ensure I can still wear it when pregnant!

What a confusing and crazy life I am leading at the moment.  It is all over the place.  I am so grateful that my working hours are down this year, so I have time to deal with all of this.  Time to enjoy all of this.  I would be a mess working as I used to as well as wedding planning, baby planning, and healthy lifestyle planning.

IVF

And so it begins…

We got all the IVF drugs today and will start our first round when I get my period in a few days.

To be absolutely honest, I am absolutely terrified.

I am going through a tough patch now, just with my life.  I am terrified about throwing this into the mix as well.  How am I going to react?  Will it be too much for me?  Will I lose the plot?  Will I end up in a full blown panic attack and in hospital?  That maybe an overreaction, but it is a thought that I truly and honestly feel all the time.

First thing is, I need to try and get on top of things.  I’m just not really sure how to go about that.  Everything I have tried over the last few weeks hasn’t even gotten off the ground.  But from tomorrow and especially from Monday, things need to be radically different.

The nurse said something interesting today.  She said that for every negative thought we have, we need 6 positive thoughts to counteract it.  Which roughly would mean I would need about 200 positive thought a day!  LOL  and a , but true.  It shows just how powerful our negative thoughts are.

She suggested starting a list of positive things to do, when the negativity / despair etc descends.  So Dave and I have put a little plan into action.  We have a grocery shopping app that links to both our phones.  Occasionally we have fun with it and leave each other messages.  Dave is going to do this for me now.  He is going to leave me positive, fun messages to try and help me through this phase I am in.  That in itself is a wonderfully positive thought!   

As for me, I need to find my own list.  I need to remember that this IVF thing is the most important thing in my life and I need to battle my inner demons with love and positivity in order for things to go well for me, for us and for our future baby.

Here goes!!

Part One–November, 2011

September.  That was my last post.  My goodness.  So much has happened that I need to catch up on.  So much going on. 

2012.  What a year this is going to be.  IVF.  Marriage. 

But I need to start back in the past.  Back with the appointment that set the new IVF path rolling…

 

After the disaster of our previous OB appointment, which was right before we discovered that I had conceived and then consequently dealt with my miscarriage, we made steps to organise an appointment with a new OB. 

We spent a lot of time looking for the right one and eventually got a recommendation that sounded great.  We had to wait two months for the appointment and were very excited.

November rolled around and we arrived at the clinic.

An hour later, we were still waiting to go in and Dave was getting quite irritated.  He had taken time off work that he couldn’t afford in order to be there.  And was beginning to be annoyed at such a long wait.  He was happy to take time off for the appointment, but was becoming irritated at such a long wait and felt that we should have received a courtesy call to say that she was running very late.

For me, I was relaxed and really enjoying the time we were spending chatting away in the waiting room.  I was so looking forward to the appointment and didn’t mind waiting.  But I could understand his irritation.  I had the day off.  He had so much work that needed to be done.

Finally we were called in to her office.  The excitement built.  I had all my papers with past results and scans all ready to show her.  This was it.  Finally.  IVF.  Baby.

As we walked through the door, she got a call on her mobile.  “I’m sorry”  she says.  “I have to go.”  WHAT???!!!!

She had a phone call to go the hospital, I think to be with a woman having her baby.  Okay, I get it.  But we have just waited an hour – and two months.  And that’s it???!!

“I can give you 5 minutes”, she said.  I could feel Dave’s irritation building.

It turned out, she gave us about 10 minutes.  Only to tell us that she doesn’t do IVF anymore and she didn’t know why we were referred to her.  What???!!!!  This, after I spent about 30 minutes on the phone to the receptionist when I made the appointment, talking about the fact that we coming to see her for IVF.  What the hell??!!  After the appointment we found out that things had changed in the IVF clinic and she was no longer a part of it.  I suspect it happened in the two months that we waited for the appointment.

I was flabbergasted.  Why no courtesy phone call to all her upcoming fertility appointments to tell them of the change?  Why make us wait for two months, only to come in and get nothing?  They knew we were there for IVF, they whispered it to themselves when we arrived.  Why not say something even then??!!!

She may have given us 10 minutes, but she didn’t assess us at all.  She didn’t look at any of my results, she just babbled a bit about things that we already knew.  And then we were dismissed and she was off. 

We were left reeling.

And then, when we went to the desk to get some information, they said “That will be $165.”  For 10 minutes.  Of nothing.  You’ve got to be joking!

At that point, Dave had to walk out of the clinic and leave me to deal with the final details.  He was ready to snap.

I still find it hard to believe. 

It was all so disappointing and set us back 6 months in our process, 6 months that we can’t afford at my age.  However, we came out of it with one good thing…  a referral to the most fantastic, terrific OB I have ever met!

Stay tuned for Part 2!…

Holidays soon!

We are going holidays in a few weeks.  It’s the first time in nearly four years that we are having an actual ‘holiday’.  We have been away – to Sydney to visit family for Christmas or other events and to our property in the country – but not an actual, nothing else to do, stay in some strange place with nothing to do except what we want to do, and visit new things, holiday.  The last one was only three months into our relationship, can you believe it?! 

It will be so good for us.  Dave is already starting to stress about not being at work for that time, even though his Dad will be in town taking care of things.  He so needs to get away from the business for a while.  But there will still be a daily phone call in the afternoon to make sure things are running smoothly.  However for the first three days, we won’t have any phone reception!  Woohoo!!  He is excited about that.  We should have booked to stay there longer!   

Of course, if I turn out to have conceived this time around, then will be middle in an isolated area during the critical first few weeks.  And I will miss out on all the hill climbing bushwalking that I love to do.  But we will only be a couple of hours away from a doctor and who cares about the bushwalking and rockclimbing if I’m pregnant!  I’d much rather have that at this stage.

We are halfway through the two week wait.  Once again, I am getting the same sensations as last cycle, which were the same as when I was pregnant.  Our OB appointment isn’t till November.  That was the earliest we could get in.  So, it will be a while to find out what is going on.  Either that, or in a week’s time I will tell you I’m pregnant!   Who knows??!  Lets hope for the latter and then an uneventful relaxing holiday.

Appointment

I had my doctors appointment today.  She didn’t have any ideas on why I have been experiencing the symptoms I have – tender breasts after my period, pregnancy like pains a week beforehand.  But I have my referral and the OB’s phone number, so the ball is rolling.

She has exactly the attitude we are looking for in our OB.  “Yes, here are the statistics, but they are SO much better than they were 10 years ago.  And you have been pregnant once now, let’s forget the statistics and just get on with trying to get you pregnant again”

She couldn’t tell me if Elinor will have the same attitude, so keep your fingers crossed for us.  She has to be better than the last OB!

We are now in the two-week wait.  I’ll try to be more patient than I was last time!

Ready

Day 14 and I’ve ovulated.  This means a normal, regular 28 day cycle.  What the??!!  That is unheard of for me!  So, I’m seeing it as a positive thing with the belief that my body has learnt from being pregnant for a brief time and has been reset to normal.  It has remembered what to do!

Positivity is reigning in my life today.  I’ve been sick for several days and I think the rest has been really good for me.  I’ve begun to change my story and have blogged about this on my other blog.  It is a good thing and I look forward to seeing how it evolves.

My doctor’s appointment is tomorrow.  Time to get things rolling for our first round of IVF.  With any luck, it won’t come to that, but I am now ready for it.  I’m looking forward to meeting a different OB with the hope that she is the right one for us.  She needs to have a positive approach to us trying to get pregnant over 40 and she needs to not dwell on my weight issues.  We know the over 40 and overweight statistics.  Just leave them in the background and stay focused on achieving pregnancy.  That is the support we need in this process.

And so be it!

Day 1

It’s Day 1 today.  I’m still having those uncomfortable uterine pains which I relate to my last pregnancy, but upon googling others experiences of post-miscarriage PMS, it all seems fairly normal.

It can take 3-4 months for the body to return to normal.  Until then, the symptoms can often make you feel as though you may be pregnant again.  Which is exactly what I am experiencing.  It is quite different to my usual PMS and period pain.  For me, as with some other women who have written over the net, I am experiencing lower back pain, cramping which is more like a constant dull ache or stretching sensation, nausea, mild breast tenderness and tiredness.  All of which, can be symptoms of pregnancy!  It can all be so confusing!

Last cycle, I began experiencing these things right after ovulation.  This time, they started about a week ago, along with a mood change of feeling quite sad one morning, which is a common PMS thing for me. 

The positive thing is that this is a 30 day cycle.  Having always had irregular cycles - , they can be anything from 30 – 36 days - having a 30 day cycle is a good sign for me.  I still have the hope that having experienced a pregnancy, my body has been reminded on what it has to do and is making the changes already.

As for what to do next, I have had enough of waiting to get pregnant.  I’m getting in with the OB asap!