Continuing the Fear of Flying course

Today I have been doing the virtual flight videos and applying my relaxation techniques to the experience.  It’s amazing how even just looking at the videos can bring on the fear. 

The main relaxation technique I have been using is tapping on the pressure points that King Acupunc showed yesterday at my needle session.  He gave me some good needling to help me be calmer and more grounded in my chi.  And two of the points he jabbed are points that I need to tap repeatedly whilst chanting a mantra. 

Today, I have been using this one “this plane is taking me to see D, this plane is taking me to see D” – that has definitely put a smile on my face.  

And this one “I am choosing to fly to see D, I am choosing to fly to see D”. 

And then this little song emerged into my head “he flies through the air with the greatest of ease”.  It’s from a song about flying trapeze artists but it works for me!!  It reminds me that planes are happiest in the air.  That is where they glide as they were built to do.  The course had this cute little picture of a smiling plane with this sentence “The plane is happiest in the air, that's where it's meant to be!”

    

I have printed out my notes form the course, downloaded the audio file and put it on my mp3 player and printed out the book to read as well.  I have my sudoku books and will get some magazines before I board.  I’ve been listening to the audio file any chance I have had today and hope I am starting to get desensitized to the whole experience. 

There is nothing to worry about, nothing to worry about, nothing to worry about.

The air is thick like liquid and the plane swims through it.
Even without engines, the plane will continue to glide through the thick air.
The plane automatically keeps level.  Pilots have to hold them in a turn or for a descent/ascent.
Bumps in the air are just like bumps in the road.   They are caused by changes in the texture of the air, but just as the car keeps going along the road, the plane will keep swimming through the thick air surrounding it.

I put my hand out of the car window as I was driving down the freeway and felt the thickness of the air at the faster speeds.  I felt the buoyancy of my hand in it.  I felt the bumps along the way as the air changed.  But it didn’t affect the buoyancy of my hand.

I imagined being in the plane as the car was bumping along the road.

I watched birds flying through the air, using flapping wings to propel them forward (engines) and then gliding along with the momentum.

Part of me is still feeling all the signs of anxiety and borderline panic, the chest pains are still there.  But another part of me is feeling much more relaxed and aware and excited to see if this course has helped me.

But the best focus is the excitement of the adventure.  The weekend in Melbourne, seeing D, staying at a grand hotel!!  Woohoo!!

Feeling better

I’m feeling better today and finding myself enjoying the unstructured time of being on my own and doing things at my own pace. 

I’ve been doing an on-line course to try and overcome my fear of flying.  It is written by a captain pilot and is very informative.  I am hoping that knowing what is going on both in the air and on the ground and how it all works will take away a lot of my irrational fears of the plane falling to the ground and crashing!

My aim is to be relaxed up the air, knowing that the plane is built to glide through the air and that turbulence is no different than going over bumps on the road in your car.  Did you know that a plane can continue gliding through the air even if all the engines fail? 

We are staying at a gorgeous old grand hotel in Melbourne.  Built in the 1800’s it is one of the only independent grand hotels in the world.  I can’t believe we are staying there.  We got a good deal on it through one of the accommodation deals websites.  I’m really excited.  That will help me get through the flight, knowing where I get to go at the end of it!  As well as seeing D of course!

This is so what we need together.  A weekend away.  If it wasn’t for the ordeal that flying has become for me with the anxiety already building, it would all be just so exciting.  I used to love flying.  I hope this trip will help me to find that again.

The Hotel Windsor – some sneak pictures to tempt my senses!  I will post some of our own photos from the weekend when we get back. 
 
 

 

 

 

 

Flying and pointlessness

I’m flying to Melbourne on Friday to meet D for the weekend.  Have I ever told you about my terrible fear of flying.  Fear of turbulence and the plane crashing, fear of having a panic attack as well as the claustrophobia which I only have only a plane?? 

You get the idea.  Terror!

But I have been researching it all today, what is turbulence, how planes fly, giving myself loads of information so that I understand it all much better.  And then I discovered a free on-line course written by a captain pilot to help recover from this condition.  So, I am doing that now.

I have also gotten the necessary natural therapies to assist – nerve tissue salts, and a bach flower remedy.  And on the day, I will also have a rescue remedy spray.

I like that I am discovering more about it all.  I think it will help.

I really wanted to take this opportunity.  Once I am pregnant, I won’t want to fly because of the stress it creates in me.  I don’t want to pass that on to bubby.  So, now that I know I am not pregnant for at least another two weeks, and this opportunity is here, we are taking it and going to have a weekend rendezvous in another city!

I’m feeling a real sense of pointlessness in my life right now.  I am so ready to be a Mum.  It’s been nearly a year now and still no bubby.  And I just don’t know what I am doing in my life.  Nothing seems to have any meaning at all.  Not my work, not my activities, not my family.  It all seems really pointless.

I know this will pass.  I will find again a sense of serenity and peacefulness in the moment.  In just being.  But it’s not here right now.  I miss D.  I haven’t been able to have my “it’s okay, honey, we’ll try again this month” hug.  I had to tell him over the phone that I got my period.  But, as a result, I am having a weekend in Melbourne and that will be good!

Cycle 11

Day 1

A new cycle has begun.

The positive 
– I am glad my cycle went back to a 32 day cycle after the last one being 38 days.
- Tonight I am going to enjoy a lovely glass of Wolf Blass Grey Label Shiraz.  Mmmmm…

A request.

 

D has just left for a two week work trip and I am feeling at a loss. 

I’m still just not quite right.  I don’t know what it is.  I’ve just started taking my herbs again after a week of not taking anything, simply because I just didn’t want to. 
And even now, I am doing it reluctantly because I know I need to.  And there are other things in my life that I just don’t want to do.  Lucky I am on holidays!  I am grateful for that.  I don’t feel right in my body, my head or my soul.

I am constantly thinking of the ayuvedic guy I used to see and feel the need to make an appointment.  I think I will do that today.  Maybe he can help sort things out for me.

I am on Day 33.  A longer cycle again.  Unless of course I am pregnant.  But I don’t think so.  Why?  I just don’t feel it.  And I guess also, I want to be feeling better about myself when I become pregnant!

I need to ask for some safe thoughts for D as he travels the roads for the next two weeks.  He will be on the road every day driving between 3000 and 4000 kms in that time.  Please send lots of protection for him so that he comes home safely to me.  Thank you.

Holiday Update

 

 

 

I’ve lost motivation to talk about our conception journey lately, probably because I have lost motivation on the journey itself!  I’ve still been keeping track of where I am in my cycle and this morning, I worked out when I am due, because we are in the two week wait now.  But the drive and the strong desire has taken a respite over the last few weeks.  Fortunately it hasn’t for D.  And while I still would love to be pregnant, he is often the one saying that we should still be trying now on this particular day.  I am so grateful for that!  For his enthusiasm and continued desire to have children together.

Last week, I went back to the naturopath for a complete re-look at what herbs I am taking.  She is sending me off for tests to see how much improvement there has been in the last few months and is changing things. 

She believes the mix I have been taking has done it’s job and it’s now time to focus on my progesterone.  From looking at all my fertility clinic test results, she believes it may be possible that we fertilise an egg, but then that I don’t maintain the progesterone level in order to hold it. 

The reason she thinks this, is that my progesterone levels are all over the place in regards to the days in my cycle.  And she believes that my progesterone levels are dropping far too quickly at the end of my cycle, which the results did indicate.  But I wonder if my cycles have become irregular again from the inconsistency in producing oestrogen rather than progesterone.

Nevertheless, she has my complete trust and I am very glad to be taking a different track and trying a new approach.  And it’s quite likely that this new herb I am taking which focuses on creating good progesterone will also balance out the other hormones as well.

Over the next few weeks, on the appropriate days of my cycle, I will redo the original tests.  I can’t wait to see the results!  Definitely excited about that!

Shifting thoughts

I’ve been finding myself in a very different place the last few weeks with my thoughts directed towards desires and dreams other than conception.  Our engagement has made me want other things in my life – most notably to be physically happy with myself for our engagement party and in a wedding dress.  I want to be able to look back at photos and be happy with the person I see in them.  Right now, I wouldn’t be able to do that.  And I know it will take more than a month or three or five of consistent effort in order to achieve that goal.

I am grateful that this has motivated me to begin to lose some weight and to follow some of the fertility eating I have learnt about, but I worry that, as an over 40 mum to be, I simply don’t have time to lose the focus towards having a baby.  Yet, it could also be that very shift away from the journey, along with fertility eating, that helps us to become pregnant!

I don’t know.  I guess I just need to keep living my life and take each day as it comes.  Just being together is the important thing.  As well as doing what is right for us.

What is right for us is to be happy together and to not feel any pressing time-line on our lives.  There are people wanting us to throw an engagement party right away, there are people shocked that we aren’t setting a date and putting wedding plans into full swing.  There is the over 40 body clock saying I don’t have any time to wait to have a baby.  There is my strong need to look better for photos and a wedding dress and to feel happy with myself.

There are the what if’s.  What if I get pregnant soon?  What will happen to the wedding, my goals to look better, the honeymoon?!  What if I don’t get pregnant soon?  Will I get too old?  Will we not ever have children?  What if I can’t lose weight?  How will that affect things?

What if?  What if?  What if?  

I have moments of living in the moment and not worrying, of being content with the way things are, with doing things the way we want to and when we are ready to, of simply taking one step at a time toward my own personal goal.  But I have equal moments with all these thoughts pounding around in my head.

Today, because I am home sick, and not eating particularly well as a result,  I am in a darker place than I wish to be.  I just want to cocoon myself with some food and a movie and wallow in this illness.

I know I will shift out of this place when the momentum of a week of good food, exercise and a smaller waist, will help me feel like I am moving forward towards my goals.  And I know that getting pregnant isn’t going to stop me continuing to move towards a healthier me.  And I know that becoming healthier could mean a more fertile me.  And I know that it doesn’t matter how long we take to do the engagement party and wedding thing.  But I just SO need to look better for that, not for D although that would be nice, but for me, for my own happiness and joy in the celebration.  Oh, it’s all just twisting round and round in my head!  LET IT GO!

LET IT GO!

In my rational mind, I know that the only thing I can do is to stay focused on eating well, exercising, remaining stress-free, and living in the joy of being so happy with D.  Everything else will simply take it’s course.

Thoughts, support, friendship and advice are all welcome!  :):)