I sometimes think of transferring my words to a private diary. There once was a time when I wrote not just for me, but for others who were finding support in their own journey's. Things are different now. I don't have the energy to devote to searching for others who are on the same path and to regularly follow blogs. It's all I can do to get through the day - to try and keep up with my work schedule in between resting as much as I need to. Many things have fallen behind, but I am content to focus on those two things - work and the health of my baby and myself. We have put so much into this - emotionally, physically, financially, spiritually - our baby is the one absolutely important thing into which I need to place all my energy.
For those people who are still reading and commenting, I love going onto your blogs as well and I thank you so much for your support. After all this time, there is something about hearing from people who know the story from the beginning and who have been supportive all the way through. Those are the people that matter - both in the real world and the on-line world - and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Yes, I guess I am feeling quite emotional today. Quite likely hormones! Of course, it is also the slow moving of days, the trials that they bring and how sometimes they just wear you down.
The wonderful news is that bubbie is still doing SO well. We had an OB appointment and another scan yesterday and we are all just sailing along. Aside from the bleed at 6 weeks, there has never been one moment where there has been any medical concern for bubs. And even that bleed was nothing to do with bubs - it was all outside of my uterus. Bubs is just sailing through! It is amazing and surreal and wonderful.
Our morphology scan is next week. That is going to be such a milestone along the journey and I can't wait! Of course, we have our fingers crossed that all will be good news, but going on the results so far - there is no reason why it shouldn't be.
As for me, I am waiting. Waiting till the day that I can feel my baby moving around and kicking. That will be a blessed day! But it might be some time coming. It turns out my placenta is in the front which means I won't feel bubs as easily. A blessing for when I am trying to sleep further along the path (!), but a delay in the day that I will be so much more secure in our pregnancy.
In the meantime, I try to be relaxed and loving and peaceful. I want to transfer those feelings onto bubs so he/she also feels safe and loved and at peace. Not always an easy task I tell you, but an important goal to continue to work on achieving.
Tuesday, April 5, 2016
Tuesday, March 22, 2016
16 weeks and kinesiology
16 weeks and still pregnant!
I had another doppler scan on Friday and there was still a heartbeat, so things are looking good!
I also had another kinesiology session where we connected with bubs and found out how things were for him/her. I just flipped through my previous posts and realised that I hadn't talked about the first appointment!
So, I've been seeing a kinesiologist for many years now. She is an amazing woman who has gradually changed my life!
A few weeks ago, I had my first appointment with this pregnancy and for the first time in any of my pregnancies, we were able to tune into bubs and see what he/she wanted or needed or had to say. The fact that we could do this was just so amazing to me and really helped me to feel much more secure in the pregnancy.
In this appointment, Carolyn first asked if bubs wanted or needed anything. All he/she wanted to was to make sure that he/she took on more of Dave's DNA as he/she grew. Bubs wanted that for us, to ensure that there was more of Dave in him/her than there was of our donor. I thought that was just the loveliest thing to ask for and to want for us. What a beautiful, generous soul is our bubs!
In the second appointment. bubs said that he/she was really aware of my fears and tuning into my fears for him/her as well as some other fears in my life. I wasn't happy about that at all. I don't want to be putting my fears onto our baby. I certainly don't want him/her taking them on board. So, we worked on that in the session and I have continued to work on that ever since. And when I am feeling those fears I talk to bubbie and make sure he/she understands that this is my thing and he/she is not to take it on board. That I am working on it and everything is ok. That he/she is perfectly safe and sound inside my womb. I think it helps both of us! :)
The other things bubs needed was more omega 3's. All other nutrition was fine, but he/she needed more nuts and avocados to help with development. So, off to the supermarket I went!
I am so grateful to have this wonderful source to be able to help me with my journey through life and to be able to find out if there is anything our baby needs. It is so incredible. I know not everyone will believe in it, but for me, I have had years of seeing how it works, how it has made such a difference in my life, physically, emotionally and most amazingly, on a deep spiritual level. It is an incredible blessing!
I had another doppler scan on Friday and there was still a heartbeat, so things are looking good!
I also had another kinesiology session where we connected with bubs and found out how things were for him/her. I just flipped through my previous posts and realised that I hadn't talked about the first appointment!
So, I've been seeing a kinesiologist for many years now. She is an amazing woman who has gradually changed my life!
A few weeks ago, I had my first appointment with this pregnancy and for the first time in any of my pregnancies, we were able to tune into bubs and see what he/she wanted or needed or had to say. The fact that we could do this was just so amazing to me and really helped me to feel much more secure in the pregnancy.
In this appointment, Carolyn first asked if bubs wanted or needed anything. All he/she wanted to was to make sure that he/she took on more of Dave's DNA as he/she grew. Bubs wanted that for us, to ensure that there was more of Dave in him/her than there was of our donor. I thought that was just the loveliest thing to ask for and to want for us. What a beautiful, generous soul is our bubs!
In the second appointment. bubs said that he/she was really aware of my fears and tuning into my fears for him/her as well as some other fears in my life. I wasn't happy about that at all. I don't want to be putting my fears onto our baby. I certainly don't want him/her taking them on board. So, we worked on that in the session and I have continued to work on that ever since. And when I am feeling those fears I talk to bubbie and make sure he/she understands that this is my thing and he/she is not to take it on board. That I am working on it and everything is ok. That he/she is perfectly safe and sound inside my womb. I think it helps both of us! :)
The other things bubs needed was more omega 3's. All other nutrition was fine, but he/she needed more nuts and avocados to help with development. So, off to the supermarket I went!
I am so grateful to have this wonderful source to be able to help me with my journey through life and to be able to find out if there is anything our baby needs. It is so incredible. I know not everyone will believe in it, but for me, I have had years of seeing how it works, how it has made such a difference in my life, physically, emotionally and most amazingly, on a deep spiritual level. It is an incredible blessing!
Tuesday, March 8, 2016
14 weeks pregnant
Last week was great! I felt so much better. I did a good weeks work and starting exercising again. It was great to get the all clear to be able to do so!
This week, the nausea and tiredness have come back and I'm flattened again. I guess that is the name of the game when you have your first baby at 47 years of age. I"m going with the theory that bubbie is having a big growth spurt! :)
I am grateful for a good doctors appointment yesterday and emotionally, I feel better for it. My doctor had been away for a few weeks, so I was really happy to connect with her for the first time with this pregnancy. She was so excited!!
She did a doppler scan and we were both excited to have found bubbies heartbeat. It was a relief and a thrill all at the same time. So, after a week of feeling quite anxious and nervous, I am finally starting to relax into the pregnancy a little bit. I am really looking to when he/she is kicking around inside me and I get constant reassurances!
We got the results of our 12 week scan last week and everything looks great. Our risk factor for Downs etc is very low and all test and images show a healthy baby and pregnancy. Another sigh of relief!
Today, I have to not feel guilty about work and just take care of myself. Bubbie and my health is the most important thing. I am so grateful to be able to work from home and be able to take the time when I need it. And I have an understanding brother for a boss! Blessings.
I thought I would post a little video of bubbie doing jumps inside my womb during our 12 week scan. The file didn't come over very well, so hubbie put the one good jump we got on video into a loop. Jump and slide back down, jump and sliiiide back down!
This week, the nausea and tiredness have come back and I'm flattened again. I guess that is the name of the game when you have your first baby at 47 years of age. I"m going with the theory that bubbie is having a big growth spurt! :)
I am grateful for a good doctors appointment yesterday and emotionally, I feel better for it. My doctor had been away for a few weeks, so I was really happy to connect with her for the first time with this pregnancy. She was so excited!!
She did a doppler scan and we were both excited to have found bubbies heartbeat. It was a relief and a thrill all at the same time. So, after a week of feeling quite anxious and nervous, I am finally starting to relax into the pregnancy a little bit. I am really looking to when he/she is kicking around inside me and I get constant reassurances!
We got the results of our 12 week scan last week and everything looks great. Our risk factor for Downs etc is very low and all test and images show a healthy baby and pregnancy. Another sigh of relief!
Today, I have to not feel guilty about work and just take care of myself. Bubbie and my health is the most important thing. I am so grateful to be able to work from home and be able to take the time when I need it. And I have an understanding brother for a boss! Blessings.
I thought I would post a little video of bubbie doing jumps inside my womb during our 12 week scan. The file didn't come over very well, so hubbie put the one good jump we got on video into a loop. Jump and slide back down, jump and sliiiide back down!
Friday, February 26, 2016
Finished with artificial hormones!
Over the last two weeks, the fertility clinic has been weaning me off all the artificial hormones I have been taking to help support the pregnancy. As of three days ago, I am no longer taking anything!
The difference is huge! I feel so much better. I know part of it is getting past the 12 week scan and part of it is moving into the second trimester. But a big part of it, I believe, is no more extra progesterone and estrogen. I'm not so tired, I can focus on work again and my nausea seems to be a bit better too.
What a relief! The sense of freedom is huge. I was on them three times a day for 10 weeks! Had to lay down for 30 minutes after each dose, then couldn't go to the toilet for at least an hour afterwards. It is so nice to be able to go to the toilet when I want to!! lol!
I have one more blood test tomorrow just to make sure the levels are ok without any assistance. Hopefully everything is fine.
.............
Another day has passed since I wrote the above and I'm getting restless now about bubs. Its been 5 days since the 12 week scan and some anxiety is creeping back again. Our next scan is in another 5 days when we see the OB for the results of the nuchal testing etc.
I just have to take each day as it comes and trust that everything is still okay. I look at the photos and videos from the 12 week scan and that helps. I feel certain things in my body and that helps.
One day at a time, one scan at a time!
Love and light
xx
The difference is huge! I feel so much better. I know part of it is getting past the 12 week scan and part of it is moving into the second trimester. But a big part of it, I believe, is no more extra progesterone and estrogen. I'm not so tired, I can focus on work again and my nausea seems to be a bit better too.
What a relief! The sense of freedom is huge. I was on them three times a day for 10 weeks! Had to lay down for 30 minutes after each dose, then couldn't go to the toilet for at least an hour afterwards. It is so nice to be able to go to the toilet when I want to!! lol!
I have one more blood test tomorrow just to make sure the levels are ok without any assistance. Hopefully everything is fine.
.............
Another day has passed since I wrote the above and I'm getting restless now about bubs. Its been 5 days since the 12 week scan and some anxiety is creeping back again. Our next scan is in another 5 days when we see the OB for the results of the nuchal testing etc.
I just have to take each day as it comes and trust that everything is still okay. I look at the photos and videos from the 12 week scan and that helps. I feel certain things in my body and that helps.
One day at a time, one scan at a time!
Love and light
xx
Tuesday, February 23, 2016
12 weeks and bubs is going strong
Yesterday was our 12 week scan. Everything is still going really well! I almost can't believe it. It is so surreal. We are now in new territory having never gotten this far before in our previous pregnancies.
So much to catch up on in 6 weeks...
Last week was a terrible week leading up to our 12 week scan. That was the week our last baby died in utero and I was paralysed with fear. I spent a couple of days in bed with exhaustion and it took me a while to realise that some of that exhaustion was not the pregnancy but the unconscious fears I was living with.
Now that we have passed the hump of the 12 week scan my tiredness has gone back to its normal pregnancy exhaustion! I can function again in otherwords!
We've had a scan every week since the bleed at 6 weeks just to check on everything and also to maintain my sanity! :) Each week was good and each week we saw our little one bouncing around inside me. He/She is an active one, always on the move and seeming to play chasey with the scanner! :) :) Measurements have been great every week. It was good, and also necessary, to be reassured every week that things were progressing normally.
At 10.5 weeks, we had our first OB appointment. That also went well and the doctor assured us that there was absolutely nothing that he was worried about. Everything looked great.
We go back at 13.5 weeks to get the results of the nuchal test and other tests that I had - blood and urine. The scan was a good start to the nuchal test with a measurement of just 1.4 mm. As long as its under 3.5 mm, all should be good. A normal measurement is 1.3 mm, so we are right on the mark! So now we wait on the combined tests for the nuchal. But we are feeling pretty relaxed about that.
As for me, I'm dealing with nausea quite a bit, particularly when I have to cook or prepare food, or sometimes just look at food!! But I'm very grateful not to have had any vomiting. A fantastic blessing to be sure! :)
I've also got a lot of lower abdomen discomfort with the muscles and ligaments stretching and getting ready for expansion. And then there are the times when my bowels/digestion cause me severe pain as everything moves around. That is fun - not! :)
Then there are the temperature fluctuations in my body, with heat at night being a particular problem. But that does seem to be settling down a little bit.
I always said that if I was pregnant I would be grateful for every bit of pain and discomfort I was in. And now that we are passed the 12 week mark, I most definitely am. It was a bit harder before that, when I was also always on the edge of anxiety, but I always kept that thought in mind and tried to focus on the gratitudes rather than the fear.
There is still a question mark over us about our pregnancy. With our history, I think it will always be there. But the ? is a lot smaller now and we are happy to tell a few other people about our news. So, keep your fingers crossed. We are doing really well so far and can only pray that bubbie continues to grow as beautifully as he/she has been so far. We love you little one!!
So much to catch up on in 6 weeks...
Last week was a terrible week leading up to our 12 week scan. That was the week our last baby died in utero and I was paralysed with fear. I spent a couple of days in bed with exhaustion and it took me a while to realise that some of that exhaustion was not the pregnancy but the unconscious fears I was living with.
Now that we have passed the hump of the 12 week scan my tiredness has gone back to its normal pregnancy exhaustion! I can function again in otherwords!
We've had a scan every week since the bleed at 6 weeks just to check on everything and also to maintain my sanity! :) Each week was good and each week we saw our little one bouncing around inside me. He/She is an active one, always on the move and seeming to play chasey with the scanner! :) :) Measurements have been great every week. It was good, and also necessary, to be reassured every week that things were progressing normally.
At 10.5 weeks, we had our first OB appointment. That also went well and the doctor assured us that there was absolutely nothing that he was worried about. Everything looked great.
We go back at 13.5 weeks to get the results of the nuchal test and other tests that I had - blood and urine. The scan was a good start to the nuchal test with a measurement of just 1.4 mm. As long as its under 3.5 mm, all should be good. A normal measurement is 1.3 mm, so we are right on the mark! So now we wait on the combined tests for the nuchal. But we are feeling pretty relaxed about that.
As for me, I'm dealing with nausea quite a bit, particularly when I have to cook or prepare food, or sometimes just look at food!! But I'm very grateful not to have had any vomiting. A fantastic blessing to be sure! :)
I've also got a lot of lower abdomen discomfort with the muscles and ligaments stretching and getting ready for expansion. And then there are the times when my bowels/digestion cause me severe pain as everything moves around. That is fun - not! :)
Then there are the temperature fluctuations in my body, with heat at night being a particular problem. But that does seem to be settling down a little bit.
I always said that if I was pregnant I would be grateful for every bit of pain and discomfort I was in. And now that we are passed the 12 week mark, I most definitely am. It was a bit harder before that, when I was also always on the edge of anxiety, but I always kept that thought in mind and tried to focus on the gratitudes rather than the fear.
There is still a question mark over us about our pregnancy. With our history, I think it will always be there. But the ? is a lot smaller now and we are happy to tell a few other people about our news. So, keep your fingers crossed. We are doing really well so far and can only pray that bubbie continues to grow as beautifully as he/she has been so far. We love you little one!!
Sunday, January 17, 2016
6 weeks, 6 days
6 weeks, 5 days and still pregnant! We hope...
We had a bit of scary drama on Friday night...
I had a bleed. We thought - thats it, its all over. Turns out, its not. Big deep breath out.
It was 9.30 pm. We called the clinic straight away and were very thankful that it was our fertility doctor who was on call that weekend. She talked us through a few things, including that a bleed doesn't necessarily mean a miscarriage and suggested we go to the hospital for a scan.
By 4 am we had finally left the hospital with no clear result but with hope that things were still ok. The scan showed that there was a yolk sac, but no proof of life. At 5 weeks, 5 days it was too early to know.
The clinic got us in for a scan on Monday and wow!!, they detected a fetal heartbeat! They were quite clear before the scan that it was very unlikely they would detect one at 6 weeks, but sometimes it happened. Really what they were looking for was signs of the yolk sac and a healthy uterus. They found that as well.
The scan showed that no bleeding had occured from the uterus, the lining was good, the sac was good, everything looked as it should. And of course, a heartbeat!
So they believe the bleeding came from the cervix. With all the hormones I am taking, the cervix has been weakened. And before the bleed, I had done some vaccuming and mopping, which could have been the issue.
After having another little issue a few days later when I did some more vaccuming, we know that this is the cause. So, I've been ordered off housework. With Dave in full swing of work, he just not have time to take up the slack, so we have to get a cleaner. Its not financially good for us, but it might only be for a few weeks, until I stop taking hormones and the cervix gains some strength.
Since then, I have been brown spotting every day. I do wish it would stop. While its not scary because it is nothing fresh, it still leaves us with mild anxiety as we wait for everything to heal.
The other difficulty is in the depth of my exhaustion. I've tried to keep up walking believing that would be helping, but I've been ordered of that as well for the next few weeks. It is just more important that all my energy goes into growing our baby.
So, a scare, and a few resulting frustrations. But, I can live it with it all knowing that is ensuring the continuation of our pregnancy and the health of our growing baby.
Tomorrow we go for a follow up scan to make sure things are still developing as they should. We will both sigh a big relief if this one is also good. Considering my daily nausea as well as tiredness and muscular stretching pains, I think the chances are good!
We had a bit of scary drama on Friday night...
I had a bleed. We thought - thats it, its all over. Turns out, its not. Big deep breath out.
It was 9.30 pm. We called the clinic straight away and were very thankful that it was our fertility doctor who was on call that weekend. She talked us through a few things, including that a bleed doesn't necessarily mean a miscarriage and suggested we go to the hospital for a scan.
By 4 am we had finally left the hospital with no clear result but with hope that things were still ok. The scan showed that there was a yolk sac, but no proof of life. At 5 weeks, 5 days it was too early to know.
The clinic got us in for a scan on Monday and wow!!, they detected a fetal heartbeat! They were quite clear before the scan that it was very unlikely they would detect one at 6 weeks, but sometimes it happened. Really what they were looking for was signs of the yolk sac and a healthy uterus. They found that as well.
The scan showed that no bleeding had occured from the uterus, the lining was good, the sac was good, everything looked as it should. And of course, a heartbeat!
So they believe the bleeding came from the cervix. With all the hormones I am taking, the cervix has been weakened. And before the bleed, I had done some vaccuming and mopping, which could have been the issue.
After having another little issue a few days later when I did some more vaccuming, we know that this is the cause. So, I've been ordered off housework. With Dave in full swing of work, he just not have time to take up the slack, so we have to get a cleaner. Its not financially good for us, but it might only be for a few weeks, until I stop taking hormones and the cervix gains some strength.
Since then, I have been brown spotting every day. I do wish it would stop. While its not scary because it is nothing fresh, it still leaves us with mild anxiety as we wait for everything to heal.
The other difficulty is in the depth of my exhaustion. I've tried to keep up walking believing that would be helping, but I've been ordered of that as well for the next few weeks. It is just more important that all my energy goes into growing our baby.
So, a scare, and a few resulting frustrations. But, I can live it with it all knowing that is ensuring the continuation of our pregnancy and the health of our growing baby.
Tomorrow we go for a follow up scan to make sure things are still developing as they should. We will both sigh a big relief if this one is also good. Considering my daily nausea as well as tiredness and muscular stretching pains, I think the chances are good!
Thursday, January 14, 2016
4 weeks, 6 days
Wrote this nearly two weeks ago now...
I'm now 4 weeks and 6 days and my levels are going up really well.
In the first blood test, the HCG levels were a high 491. I'm guessing that our little one implanted very soon after the transfer.
I had the second blood test today and was hoping for an HCG level of 1500. It was 1547!
:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)
In the first test, there was an issue with low progesterone, but I hadn't had my dose that day yet. They upped my dosage and things were fine this time.
The relief that things are progressing well is huge. With the history we've had, it doesn't take me long to get concerned again, so I'm glad to be having another follow up test in 3 days. I hope that as things continue to progress well, I will relax into the pregnancy more.
One of the reasons my concerns had increased in the last couple of days, was because I have no symptoms. Breasts a little bit sore, but thats it. I actually feel good! It worried me that I wasn't feeling anything, no stretchy feeling, no nausea, I wasn't even tired anymore. It's funny to really want uncomfortable symptoms, just to feel like I'm pregnant!
So, right now, things are good. It's exciting to think of a little life form growing inside of me.
I will continue to take each step as it comes and try to enjoy the journey!
:)
I'm now 4 weeks and 6 days and my levels are going up really well.
In the first blood test, the HCG levels were a high 491. I'm guessing that our little one implanted very soon after the transfer.
I had the second blood test today and was hoping for an HCG level of 1500. It was 1547!
:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)
In the first test, there was an issue with low progesterone, but I hadn't had my dose that day yet. They upped my dosage and things were fine this time.
The relief that things are progressing well is huge. With the history we've had, it doesn't take me long to get concerned again, so I'm glad to be having another follow up test in 3 days. I hope that as things continue to progress well, I will relax into the pregnancy more.
One of the reasons my concerns had increased in the last couple of days, was because I have no symptoms. Breasts a little bit sore, but thats it. I actually feel good! It worried me that I wasn't feeling anything, no stretchy feeling, no nausea, I wasn't even tired anymore. It's funny to really want uncomfortable symptoms, just to feel like I'm pregnant!
So, right now, things are good. It's exciting to think of a little life form growing inside of me.
I will continue to take each step as it comes and try to enjoy the journey!
:)
Saturday, January 2, 2016
The results!
Day 16 after fertilisation. The day has arrived. Blood test day. I was down at the blood clinic at 7.45. Now we wait...
In the meantime...
By day 12 after fertilisation, I was going a little nuts. I just had to do a home pregnancy test. It was positive! A step in the right direction.
By Day 15 after fertilisation, I was going nuts again. I had to check. Positive again! The relief I felt was huge.
I was still feeling good this morning. Happy to wait the day out. Then the fertility clinic called. They were just checking that I had done the test and wanted to know where I went so they could keep an eye out for it. So good of them. They are amazing.
Except after I got off the phone, the anxiety was back. The anticipation. Worry. Fortunately, I went back to my relaxed place - mostly.
My physical symptoms are also confirming the positive tests. Most symptoms I have can be associated with pregnancy or pre-menstrual, but now the body temperature fluctuations have started. I'm going from hot to cold during the day and at night I am super hot in bed. The only times I have felt this symptom is when I've been pregnant. So another good sign!
It doesn't help that we are having temperatures in the high 30's , low 40's at the moment. Around 100 for those in Farenheit! I've taken to carrying a water spray that has a fan attached to it. And at night, I keep a wet flannel next to me.
Time to wait...
A few hours later....
It's Positive!!!!!
Woohoo!
In the meantime...
By day 12 after fertilisation, I was going a little nuts. I just had to do a home pregnancy test. It was positive! A step in the right direction.
By Day 15 after fertilisation, I was going nuts again. I had to check. Positive again! The relief I felt was huge.
I was still feeling good this morning. Happy to wait the day out. Then the fertility clinic called. They were just checking that I had done the test and wanted to know where I went so they could keep an eye out for it. So good of them. They are amazing.
Except after I got off the phone, the anxiety was back. The anticipation. Worry. Fortunately, I went back to my relaxed place - mostly.
My physical symptoms are also confirming the positive tests. Most symptoms I have can be associated with pregnancy or pre-menstrual, but now the body temperature fluctuations have started. I'm going from hot to cold during the day and at night I am super hot in bed. The only times I have felt this symptom is when I've been pregnant. So another good sign!
It doesn't help that we are having temperatures in the high 30's , low 40's at the moment. Around 100 for those in Farenheit! I've taken to carrying a water spray that has a fan attached to it. And at night, I keep a wet flannel next to me.
Time to wait...
A few hours later....
It's Positive!!!!!
Woohoo!
Saturday, December 19, 2015
The embryo transfer
It has taken two months to get there but we have gotten there! The embryo transfer was yesterday and we are now in the two week wait.
Our donor has been amazing. We have met up socially on a few occasions now and we all get along so well. She is one generous and loving woman and I feel so blessed and grateful to have met her.
She was so worried about doing well by us and producing enough eggs for us to use, that when she told me she had gotten 24 eggs, she burst into tears with relief! And said she did the thing in recovery when the nurses told her. 24 eggs! Its staggering.
As she was only donating and not continuing to transfer herself, they were able to overstimulate more than is normal for a regular IVF round. But not too much so that it damages the eggs. To produce 24 though, is incredible. They weren't expecting that many!
Of those 24, they chose 20 to fertilise - 10 using IVF and 10 using ICSI. We got 9 ICSI embryos and 7 IVF embryos. Amazing! From them, we got 11 great quality embryos. They chose an IVF one to transfer to me and the rest will be frozen.
We have never seen an embryo like the one I am carrying inside me now. It had reached blastocyst stage by Day 4 and the embryologist told us that we couldn't have a better result! Our embryos from my eggs never reached that stage before transfer. Ours were always still at the early cell stage. To see one looking like that, was fantastic.
Yesterday after the transfer I was feeling crampy and very fragile. I rested, listened to my meditation CD's and thought positive, open, loving and receptive thoughts. Today, I have that stretchy uterine sensation. But as usual, it is a symptom that I can associate both with pregnancy and sometimes with being pre-menstrual. So, no guarantees there.
Apart from a few little things I still have to do, I have taken two weeks off work for the Christmas break and will focus on staying relaxed and positive. Oh, and get ready for everyone coming over for Christmas lunch!
The meditation CD's I have been listening to are awesome. If anyone is reading this who is going through any kind of fertility, they are the ones to use. It is a website called Circle and Bloom and they have CD's for any situation - both natural and medically assisted - before and after and during - as well as for general women's health.
There is so much to say - about our donor and what she has done/and wants to do for us - about the process - and about our hopes and dreams. Right now, though, I am staying focused on the now. On encouraging the little life inside me to implant and grow strong and healthy. On staying relaxed for the next two weeks.
I will be back in two weeks to let you know the results. If it isn't successful this time, there are 11 more little embryos waiting for us. And while that thought helps us to remain positive, it certainly doesn't take away our deep desire for this one to be the one.
Our donor has been amazing. We have met up socially on a few occasions now and we all get along so well. She is one generous and loving woman and I feel so blessed and grateful to have met her.
She was so worried about doing well by us and producing enough eggs for us to use, that when she told me she had gotten 24 eggs, she burst into tears with relief! And said she did the thing in recovery when the nurses told her. 24 eggs! Its staggering.
As she was only donating and not continuing to transfer herself, they were able to overstimulate more than is normal for a regular IVF round. But not too much so that it damages the eggs. To produce 24 though, is incredible. They weren't expecting that many!
Of those 24, they chose 20 to fertilise - 10 using IVF and 10 using ICSI. We got 9 ICSI embryos and 7 IVF embryos. Amazing! From them, we got 11 great quality embryos. They chose an IVF one to transfer to me and the rest will be frozen.
We have never seen an embryo like the one I am carrying inside me now. It had reached blastocyst stage by Day 4 and the embryologist told us that we couldn't have a better result! Our embryos from my eggs never reached that stage before transfer. Ours were always still at the early cell stage. To see one looking like that, was fantastic.
Yesterday after the transfer I was feeling crampy and very fragile. I rested, listened to my meditation CD's and thought positive, open, loving and receptive thoughts. Today, I have that stretchy uterine sensation. But as usual, it is a symptom that I can associate both with pregnancy and sometimes with being pre-menstrual. So, no guarantees there.
Apart from a few little things I still have to do, I have taken two weeks off work for the Christmas break and will focus on staying relaxed and positive. Oh, and get ready for everyone coming over for Christmas lunch!
The meditation CD's I have been listening to are awesome. If anyone is reading this who is going through any kind of fertility, they are the ones to use. It is a website called Circle and Bloom and they have CD's for any situation - both natural and medically assisted - before and after and during - as well as for general women's health.
There is so much to say - about our donor and what she has done/and wants to do for us - about the process - and about our hopes and dreams. Right now, though, I am staying focused on the now. On encouraging the little life inside me to implant and grow strong and healthy. On staying relaxed for the next two weeks.
I will be back in two weeks to let you know the results. If it isn't successful this time, there are 11 more little embryos waiting for us. And while that thought helps us to remain positive, it certainly doesn't take away our deep desire for this one to be the one.
Thursday, September 17, 2015
The Donors
So, the first thing I did, was to call our fertility clinic.
"Whats the story with donors now?"
"Well, we actually have three in the works at the moment!"
"Really!? Oh my god! I can't believe it!"
And then the stories of them all came out.
The first donor
She was overseas and ended up extending her stay
The second donor
She had come to the clinic through another patient. However, before the lady who found her could start a round with this donor, she had to use her last embryo from her previous donor. This was a success and she was pregnant!
Her new donor then volunteered to donate to another couple until the first woman had delivered and was ready to try for her second. There was plenty of time for the donor to go through a round with another couple and she was keen to donate to someone else.
However... the first lady was so distraught and upset and didn't want her new donor donating to anyone else. "What if something goes wrong? Then you won't be there for me. You need to be there for me."
Okay, so we will wait until your pregnancy is well and truly stable.
Then it was "But I want you there as soon as I have delivered. I want to get started on trying for a second baby straight away. And what if you do a round with someone else and then decide you don't want to do it again?"
The donor decide to wait as she didn't want this lady being so distraught while she was pregnant.
Eventually, it came to a time that we met with this donor. She was an amazing woman to be doing was she was doing and what she planned to do in the future in helping people to achieve their dreams of motherhood. I'm really glad to have met her. But, she wasn't the right fit for us.
In the meantime, after all that happened, we lost the chance to meet the third donor.
The third donor
She had also come to the clinic through another patient. This patient then became naturally pregnant!
Once again, this donor wanted to donate to others.
In this case, though, the patient was more than happy for her to do so. They waited until she was safe into her pregnancy and then all was good for the donor to help another couple.
However, because we were meeting with the first donor, the clinic linked her up with a different couple and we missed out. I should mention here, that at this stage, we were first on the list to be connected with the donors.
I was so disappointed. "We should have met with the first donor earlier, then we would have known" blah blah... you get the idea!
The next day, the clinic called.
Another lady had just been cleared to donate. Would we like to meet her? Yes yes please!!!
The fourth and final donor
Everything worked out as it should. This lady is awesome. She has also been through the IVF process with the same doctor as we did. She has gone through the same trials and tribulations. She had the same OB with the one pregnancy that went passed 8 weeks and then she had the same heartache when they lost that baby at 12 weeks.
Our stories are so similar. We all get along so well including the hubbies. We have the same feelings about how we would like things to be should we be successful. It is a good fit.
Now, she has a beautiful little boy and two baby twin boys.
And she wants to give other couple the same chances that she had to become parents.
We have started the process. We have both had our first appointments and things will slowly progress.
We are nervous, worried and excited at the same time!
We are taking each step as it comes.
.................
"Whats the story with donors now?"
"Well, we actually have three in the works at the moment!"
"Really!? Oh my god! I can't believe it!"
And then the stories of them all came out.
The first donor
She was overseas and ended up extending her stay
The second donor
She had come to the clinic through another patient. However, before the lady who found her could start a round with this donor, she had to use her last embryo from her previous donor. This was a success and she was pregnant!
Her new donor then volunteered to donate to another couple until the first woman had delivered and was ready to try for her second. There was plenty of time for the donor to go through a round with another couple and she was keen to donate to someone else.
However... the first lady was so distraught and upset and didn't want her new donor donating to anyone else. "What if something goes wrong? Then you won't be there for me. You need to be there for me."
Okay, so we will wait until your pregnancy is well and truly stable.
Then it was "But I want you there as soon as I have delivered. I want to get started on trying for a second baby straight away. And what if you do a round with someone else and then decide you don't want to do it again?"
The donor decide to wait as she didn't want this lady being so distraught while she was pregnant.
Eventually, it came to a time that we met with this donor. She was an amazing woman to be doing was she was doing and what she planned to do in the future in helping people to achieve their dreams of motherhood. I'm really glad to have met her. But, she wasn't the right fit for us.
In the meantime, after all that happened, we lost the chance to meet the third donor.
The third donor
She had also come to the clinic through another patient. This patient then became naturally pregnant!
Once again, this donor wanted to donate to others.
In this case, though, the patient was more than happy for her to do so. They waited until she was safe into her pregnancy and then all was good for the donor to help another couple.
However, because we were meeting with the first donor, the clinic linked her up with a different couple and we missed out. I should mention here, that at this stage, we were first on the list to be connected with the donors.
I was so disappointed. "We should have met with the first donor earlier, then we would have known" blah blah... you get the idea!
The next day, the clinic called.
Another lady had just been cleared to donate. Would we like to meet her? Yes yes please!!!
The fourth and final donor
Everything worked out as it should. This lady is awesome. She has also been through the IVF process with the same doctor as we did. She has gone through the same trials and tribulations. She had the same OB with the one pregnancy that went passed 8 weeks and then she had the same heartache when they lost that baby at 12 weeks.
Our stories are so similar. We all get along so well including the hubbies. We have the same feelings about how we would like things to be should we be successful. It is a good fit.
Now, she has a beautiful little boy and two baby twin boys.
And she wants to give other couple the same chances that she had to become parents.
We have started the process. We have both had our first appointments and things will slowly progress.
We are nervous, worried and excited at the same time!
We are taking each step as it comes.
.................
Tuesday, September 1, 2015
A brief journey through adoption
It was at the end of last year (2014). I had come to a pretty good place in acceptance of a childfree life. I was comfortable with my life. But I knew hubbie wasn't in the same place. And because he wasn't, then we weren't. This wasn't a situation for one person to be okay and it's fine. We both had to be okay with a life without children.
Hubbie still had constant thoughts of "maybe we could adopt". I had already looked into adoption, had passed on the information to him, and felt that it just wasn't the right thing for us. But hubbie needed to look into for himself. I understood that.
So, off we went to a adoption meetings, reading through the material they sent us and listening to other women's stories of their international adoptions. By the end of it, we were both shaking our heads.
For so many reasons, international adoption was impossible for us. The most basic of those reasons was the highly rigid criteria for adoption and the years long waiting periods. We would be in our mid 50's before we received a child, if we ever did. And the cost! Enormous! With no guarantee of success. It was way beyond our means. And it was also beyond our emotional and physical means. The children that were possibly open to us were high needs, older children and after hearing the stories of their requirements, hubbie and I knew that it was just beyond us to be able to properly care for these children.
Our state here in Australia doesn't do adoption, only fostering, and that path as it turned out,
was also not open to us.
There were positives and negatives that came from our brief adoption journey experience.
The positive was that we were able to let go of that path and hubbie was able to move on from thoughts of adoption. It was a clearing. And he felt much better about it.
The negative was for me. From having been in a hard-earned place of acceptance, this search through the adoption process brought back all my maternal feelings. It was all back. The need, the desire, the dream of having a child. I wasn't happy to be back there again. Back in that place of heartache and lost dreams.
And a strong reason for that was that I had to be the one to makes things happen. I was happy for hubbie to look into adoption and I encouraged him to do so. But he wasn't able to do it himself and I had to take it on, or that never ending "what if" would have been there forever. It's one thing to sit back and go with the flow of the journey. Quite another to be the active participant in making it happen.
But that's the way it was and I had to deal with it. I took the approach that I had gotten through it all before and was much stronger and more capable of dealing with things. I knew that I would recover. I had done so before. In the end, I know that I will be alright.
So the adoption journey ended and we were left with just one last possibility for a child - a donor egg.
Hubbie still had constant thoughts of "maybe we could adopt". I had already looked into adoption, had passed on the information to him, and felt that it just wasn't the right thing for us. But hubbie needed to look into for himself. I understood that.
So, off we went to a adoption meetings, reading through the material they sent us and listening to other women's stories of their international adoptions. By the end of it, we were both shaking our heads.
For so many reasons, international adoption was impossible for us. The most basic of those reasons was the highly rigid criteria for adoption and the years long waiting periods. We would be in our mid 50's before we received a child, if we ever did. And the cost! Enormous! With no guarantee of success. It was way beyond our means. And it was also beyond our emotional and physical means. The children that were possibly open to us were high needs, older children and after hearing the stories of their requirements, hubbie and I knew that it was just beyond us to be able to properly care for these children.
Our state here in Australia doesn't do adoption, only fostering, and that path as it turned out,
was also not open to us.
There were positives and negatives that came from our brief adoption journey experience.
The positive was that we were able to let go of that path and hubbie was able to move on from thoughts of adoption. It was a clearing. And he felt much better about it.
The negative was for me. From having been in a hard-earned place of acceptance, this search through the adoption process brought back all my maternal feelings. It was all back. The need, the desire, the dream of having a child. I wasn't happy to be back there again. Back in that place of heartache and lost dreams.
And a strong reason for that was that I had to be the one to makes things happen. I was happy for hubbie to look into adoption and I encouraged him to do so. But he wasn't able to do it himself and I had to take it on, or that never ending "what if" would have been there forever. It's one thing to sit back and go with the flow of the journey. Quite another to be the active participant in making it happen.
But that's the way it was and I had to deal with it. I took the approach that I had gotten through it all before and was much stronger and more capable of dealing with things. I knew that I would recover. I had done so before. In the end, I know that I will be alright.
So the adoption journey ended and we were left with just one last possibility for a child - a donor egg.
Friday, August 28, 2015
The Donor Journey begins
I just looked at my last post on this blog. It was on August 29th, 2013. Now on August 28th, 2015, I am posting again. Exactly two years since our fertility journey ended. I thought it was longer than that.
I just looked it up. Tuesday, May 21st, 2013, was when we lost the baby. I had thought that was the end of the journey. That's why I thought it was longer. But I had forgotten that we tried one more time with Nemo, our frozen embryo. I had forgotten about Nemo. How could I forget that?
Now, we are back into the land of hope and possibility. Which of course comes with its share of fear and doubt.
We have a donor. A beautiful, amazing, kind, selfless woman who is not just willing, but so eager, excited and happy to give us a chance at having a child.
There is a lot of story to tell in the journey that has led to this point. There is a lot to tell about our wonderful donor. It's all slowly unfolded over the last few months.
This blog has always been one of recording my journey towards being a mother. Understandably, it was retired when we lost Sophie and Nemo didn't take. Now that there is a new phase, I wanted to document that journey once more. Just in case the journey does lead to motherhood.
One day, if there is a child, they might want to read all about it. One day, I might want to be able to tell our potential child the story of how much we wanted him/her and how we strove to bring him/her into our lives.
So, I will slowly recall the last few months. Try to remember and put into words how we ended up here in this new journey of trying to become pregnant again with the help of a donor egg.
How do we feel right now?
We are unsure, we are doubtful, we are hopeful, we are going with the flow and just taking each next step as it comes. We are also scared. Firstly, I am scared of becoming a mother at 47 years of age. We started this journey when I was 40. Now, at 46, I wonder if we are making the right decision.
But, in reality, there is no decision to make. If we don't try this one last option that we have to become parents, we will wonder for the rest of our lives about whether we made the right decision. We will always regret not trying. And I can't live with that regret.
If this doesn't work though, then we will both be able to put it all to rest and move on, knowing that we did everything that we could.
As for being older parents, I am sure that will be difficult. But life is difficult anyway. We have to deal with its challenges all the time. Parenthood at any age is a challenge. This challenge though, will come with unconditional love and joy and wonder and hope. There is a sense of anticipation in the possibility of embracing a new phase in our lives of life with a child.
So, we are back at the fertility clinic. Back amongst the wonderful staff that are filled with so much hope for us. Back on the journey towards motherhood.
I just looked it up. Tuesday, May 21st, 2013, was when we lost the baby. I had thought that was the end of the journey. That's why I thought it was longer. But I had forgotten that we tried one more time with Nemo, our frozen embryo. I had forgotten about Nemo. How could I forget that?
Now, we are back into the land of hope and possibility. Which of course comes with its share of fear and doubt.
We have a donor. A beautiful, amazing, kind, selfless woman who is not just willing, but so eager, excited and happy to give us a chance at having a child.
There is a lot of story to tell in the journey that has led to this point. There is a lot to tell about our wonderful donor. It's all slowly unfolded over the last few months.
This blog has always been one of recording my journey towards being a mother. Understandably, it was retired when we lost Sophie and Nemo didn't take. Now that there is a new phase, I wanted to document that journey once more. Just in case the journey does lead to motherhood.
One day, if there is a child, they might want to read all about it. One day, I might want to be able to tell our potential child the story of how much we wanted him/her and how we strove to bring him/her into our lives.
So, I will slowly recall the last few months. Try to remember and put into words how we ended up here in this new journey of trying to become pregnant again with the help of a donor egg.
How do we feel right now?
We are unsure, we are doubtful, we are hopeful, we are going with the flow and just taking each next step as it comes. We are also scared. Firstly, I am scared of becoming a mother at 47 years of age. We started this journey when I was 40. Now, at 46, I wonder if we are making the right decision.
But, in reality, there is no decision to make. If we don't try this one last option that we have to become parents, we will wonder for the rest of our lives about whether we made the right decision. We will always regret not trying. And I can't live with that regret.
If this doesn't work though, then we will both be able to put it all to rest and move on, knowing that we did everything that we could.
As for being older parents, I am sure that will be difficult. But life is difficult anyway. We have to deal with its challenges all the time. Parenthood at any age is a challenge. This challenge though, will come with unconditional love and joy and wonder and hope. There is a sense of anticipation in the possibility of embracing a new phase in our lives of life with a child.
So, we are back at the fertility clinic. Back amongst the wonderful staff that are filled with so much hope for us. Back on the journey towards motherhood.
Thursday, August 29, 2013
Starting a new life and a new blog
Dave and I have made the decision not to continue fertility treatments. We are both so sad about not being parents, but neither of us can go through another round of IVF. We are both emotionally and financially spent from it and I am completely physically spent as well. We don't have it in us anymore.
If by some miracle we conceive naturally with a good embryo then we will be so happy. The chances of that are unlikely.
So that's it. It's time to move on. I can't believe it has ended this way. I never once doubted that we would have children, but the journey has ended and then is no giggling and crying baby for us to hold and love.
I want to thank everyone for being there in blogger land for us. Thank you for your support and encouragement and words of wisdom. I am so grateful to have had you holding my hand along the way.
I've started a new blog. It's called Beyond The Dream of Motherhood. I would love it if you continued to visit me there and share in my journey beyond infertility.
Love and Light and best wishes,
Annie
xxx
If by some miracle we conceive naturally with a good embryo then we will be so happy. The chances of that are unlikely.
So that's it. It's time to move on. I can't believe it has ended this way. I never once doubted that we would have children, but the journey has ended and then is no giggling and crying baby for us to hold and love.
I want to thank everyone for being there in blogger land for us. Thank you for your support and encouragement and words of wisdom. I am so grateful to have had you holding my hand along the way.
I've started a new blog. It's called Beyond The Dream of Motherhood. I would love it if you continued to visit me there and share in my journey beyond infertility.
Love and Light and best wishes,
Annie
xxx
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Confirmed
It's confirmed. There is no pregnancy. It's over. The end.
Dave and I will have to talk about where we go from here. Is it another round (which I just don't think I have in me) or is it accepting that we are involuntarily childless and moving on from infertility?
I was disappointed today to find, for the first time in all my internet wanderings, sites devoted to the involuntarily childless. To come across these sites today of all days. It's heartbreaking.
However they have helped me to consider the possibility that that may be my new life. That I may have to make that adjustment and find new dreams. I've started bookmarking them in my reader.
If that is the case, it will be time to say goodbye to this blog and start afresh. New blog, new blogger name, new blogger links. My decision on continuing IVF is probably 50/50. Desire versus ability to do be able to do it again is a tricky path to walk.
Dave and I will have to talk about where we go from here. Is it another round (which I just don't think I have in me) or is it accepting that we are involuntarily childless and moving on from infertility?
I was disappointed today to find, for the first time in all my internet wanderings, sites devoted to the involuntarily childless. To come across these sites today of all days. It's heartbreaking.
However they have helped me to consider the possibility that that may be my new life. That I may have to make that adjustment and find new dreams. I've started bookmarking them in my reader.
If that is the case, it will be time to say goodbye to this blog and start afresh. New blog, new blogger name, new blogger links. My decision on continuing IVF is probably 50/50. Desire versus ability to do be able to do it again is a tricky path to walk.
The end of the 2WW
I've been struggling with this 2WW. Its been the longest one ever. The other day I realised why. I am well. I am healthy. With all the other 2WW, I have been dealing with one thing or other - the complications from a harvest, reactions to the hormones, etc etc. This time, however, I haven't had to deal with any of that. It was a straight frozen transfer - no surgery, no hormones (except Crinone after the transfer). There has been nothing else to occupy my mind!
So this morning I gave in two days early and did a home pregnancy test. It was negative. I called the clinic and organised to have my blood test today to confirm. But I feel it is just a formality. The home test would have been accurate at this stage of the game.
I am heartbroken. Again. Nemo hasn't stayed with us.
We are left with a major decision. Can I go through another round or do we close the door? I just don't think I can do it again. But for us not to have children, to let go of the dream of our own family? I don't know about that either.
I really felt like it was going to work this time. I was so confident. Nemo was the one. Now I'm left numb again. I've shut down. I know I will come out of it again. I did before. For now though, it's hard.
I have the day at home today and the time to be able to grieve once more. I am grateful for that.
So this morning I gave in two days early and did a home pregnancy test. It was negative. I called the clinic and organised to have my blood test today to confirm. But I feel it is just a formality. The home test would have been accurate at this stage of the game.
I am heartbroken. Again. Nemo hasn't stayed with us.
We are left with a major decision. Can I go through another round or do we close the door? I just don't think I can do it again. But for us not to have children, to let go of the dream of our own family? I don't know about that either.
I really felt like it was going to work this time. I was so confident. Nemo was the one. Now I'm left numb again. I've shut down. I know I will come out of it again. I did before. For now though, it's hard.
I have the day at home today and the time to be able to grieve once more. I am grateful for that.
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
Nemo's come home!
Yesterday was transfer day and everything went well!
My feelings of non-chalance went through a few different phases as they day drew closer. But nothing really stuck. Some nerves set in at one point. There were feelings of anticipation. But even on the day, I just went about my day as normal. Although the comment from one of my students was interesting...
The transfer wasn't till midday, so I popped into school to do a few catch up lessons. My first student said "You are in a good mood today!" and she only saw me the day before. She was right, I was feeling really good. Whether it was the fantastic swim I had after school the day before or the fact that Nemo was coming home, who knows.
The thought "Nemo is coming home today!" popped into my head as I was driving to school. Something shifted in me then. Maybe that was what changed my mood as well!!
When I told Dave, he said that one of his customers referenced "Finding Nemo" in a phone call the day before. Freaky!
So, we arrived at the hospital and went into the room with the embryologist and our OB. All I wanted to know was "Did Nemo thaw?" There was a 10% chance that our embryo wouldn't make it through the thawing process. I was so expecting that to be the case. Just our luck, you know?! Beat the odds again. But not only did it thaw, it was flourishing. Both women were really happy with how it was plumping up and progressing. "Oh thank goodness!"
"Would you like to see it?", they asked. "Yes Please!", we said. And there it was - our beautiful embryo on the screen. I felt such a rush of excitement and love - for a second - and then my defenses kicked in and I found myself pushing down that excitement in fear of what might happen. Then that emotion shifted again, to one of going through the motions of the procedure with complete acceptance of the situation. I think it is a good place to be.
However...........
When we walked out of the hospital doors, everything shifted again! I had gone from not wanting to be pregnant again, to suddenly having our live and healthy Nemo inside me. I felt like precious cargo and I SO SO SO SO SO want to pregnant again. All of a sudden, I'm not frightened of it anymore. All of a sudden, I'm excited.
Now, just one day later, I am talking to Nemo already. I'm trying to listen to what it needs - or more precisely I suppose - what my body needs for Nemo to flourish. I just like to think of it as Nemo talking back to me.
Now, it wouldn't have even implanted yet, but as far as I am concerned, I have a little life form living inside of me. I'm not holding my breath, I'm still feeling very relaxed with no expectations of achieving pregnancy or going full term. But there is a part of me that feels that this is different, that this one is going to work. That this is a happy and 'excited for life' embryo.
So, my job now is to live my life happy and peaceful. To go about my days, content in my activites, feeling a sense of accomplishment in my tasks and to also be careful about what I do and how much I do. To be happy being less active and enjoying a 'holiday' from the busyness of life and the hard work of the heavy physical jobs that I love doing. I will be content swimming more casually and no longer doing fast sprints and hard laps. I will be content walking on the flat surfaces and not traipsing up and down all the hills!
I've been calling this round, IVF round 5. But really, it is just finishing round 2. Nemo is from my round 2 collection. I had the polyp removed and wasn't able to do the transfer and Nemo, our one and only embryo from that round, was frozen. The positive thing here, is that Nemo is younger than our last embryo and may be less damaged. It was conceived a year ago! Fingers crossed that works in our favour!
Love and Light
xxx
My feelings of non-chalance went through a few different phases as they day drew closer. But nothing really stuck. Some nerves set in at one point. There were feelings of anticipation. But even on the day, I just went about my day as normal. Although the comment from one of my students was interesting...
The transfer wasn't till midday, so I popped into school to do a few catch up lessons. My first student said "You are in a good mood today!" and she only saw me the day before. She was right, I was feeling really good. Whether it was the fantastic swim I had after school the day before or the fact that Nemo was coming home, who knows.
The thought "Nemo is coming home today!" popped into my head as I was driving to school. Something shifted in me then. Maybe that was what changed my mood as well!!
When I told Dave, he said that one of his customers referenced "Finding Nemo" in a phone call the day before. Freaky!
So, we arrived at the hospital and went into the room with the embryologist and our OB. All I wanted to know was "Did Nemo thaw?" There was a 10% chance that our embryo wouldn't make it through the thawing process. I was so expecting that to be the case. Just our luck, you know?! Beat the odds again. But not only did it thaw, it was flourishing. Both women were really happy with how it was plumping up and progressing. "Oh thank goodness!"
"Would you like to see it?", they asked. "Yes Please!", we said. And there it was - our beautiful embryo on the screen. I felt such a rush of excitement and love - for a second - and then my defenses kicked in and I found myself pushing down that excitement in fear of what might happen. Then that emotion shifted again, to one of going through the motions of the procedure with complete acceptance of the situation. I think it is a good place to be.
However...........
When we walked out of the hospital doors, everything shifted again! I had gone from not wanting to be pregnant again, to suddenly having our live and healthy Nemo inside me. I felt like precious cargo and I SO SO SO SO SO want to pregnant again. All of a sudden, I'm not frightened of it anymore. All of a sudden, I'm excited.
Now, just one day later, I am talking to Nemo already. I'm trying to listen to what it needs - or more precisely I suppose - what my body needs for Nemo to flourish. I just like to think of it as Nemo talking back to me.
Now, it wouldn't have even implanted yet, but as far as I am concerned, I have a little life form living inside of me. I'm not holding my breath, I'm still feeling very relaxed with no expectations of achieving pregnancy or going full term. But there is a part of me that feels that this is different, that this one is going to work. That this is a happy and 'excited for life' embryo.
So, my job now is to live my life happy and peaceful. To go about my days, content in my activites, feeling a sense of accomplishment in my tasks and to also be careful about what I do and how much I do. To be happy being less active and enjoying a 'holiday' from the busyness of life and the hard work of the heavy physical jobs that I love doing. I will be content swimming more casually and no longer doing fast sprints and hard laps. I will be content walking on the flat surfaces and not traipsing up and down all the hills!
I've been calling this round, IVF round 5. But really, it is just finishing round 2. Nemo is from my round 2 collection. I had the polyp removed and wasn't able to do the transfer and Nemo, our one and only embryo from that round, was frozen. The positive thing here, is that Nemo is younger than our last embryo and may be less damaged. It was conceived a year ago! Fingers crossed that works in our favour!
Love and Light
xxx
Friday, August 16, 2013
Frozen embryo transfer
Hi all!
It's been a month since I posted. Where has the time gone?! Last week I joined Dave on a work trip. I had a great time while he was at work! We stayed at a B&B that was on 400 acres of farmland. It was perfect for me. It was a little weird that was the B&B was actually the top story of their home and you are actually sharing their home with them. But it was great for me.
I had some company while Dave was gone long hours at work. I explored the property, joined the husband on his rounds of the animals, learnt a lot about cattle farming and horse harness racing. Wangaratta had an indoor swimming pool, so I was able to keep up my swimming.
I had a car to drive around in because Dave's employee met us there, so I used his car. I did a lot of touristy things, shopping and exploring places to eat for lunch. Did a lot of walks around the place and generally really enjoyed myself. I LOVED Wangaratta. Such a great feel to the place and lots of things to do and see. And the shopping in the city centre was superb. No main shopping complex, just lots of little shops in the main streets. Lots of places that I loved. Fantastic!
It was a good week for me. Much needed I think.
We have our frozen embryo transfer on Tuesday. I've been going through the motions of the things to do to prepare for it, blood tests, timetabling, getting all the big physical jobs done in the house so I don't itch to do them when I need to be laying down and holding onto the embryo, etc etc. But I don't think I have any reality of it. I mean, I know its happening obviously, but it just seems like an event on the calender.
I thought I might be like this. Just going through the motions of it all. Then I remembered today that we have already named this embryo - Nemo. That brought a bit of reality to me. This one has a name. And then I thought of writing in my blog. That brings a bit more reality again.
And that brings - fear, nervousness, worry... I don't want to be pregnant again. It would be an understatement to say that none of my experiences have been good ones. But I do want to be a Mum and I do want to go through this process in order to get there.
I can't believe we are doing it again. We keep getting told we are courageous to try again so soon after the last time. But we are also being very supported by the fertility clinic.
Our OB believes that I am very fertile, especially for my age. That made me laugh. You're kidding right???!!! No, shes not kidding. It's just that we needed to sort things out and find the right formula - polyp removal so that I can get implantation and the right balance in my blood so that I can hold a pregnancy, and of course, we need to find the right embryo. That one little embryo that is still okay, that is not damaged by age or by genetics. It makes me wonder that if Nemo doesn't work, would it be worth trying a full round again??? Think about that later...
She is so positive - our OB. I so wish we had found her much earlier in our infertilty journey. If she had gotten to me when I was 40, instead of 43, it might have made a huge difference. But nevermind. I am a believer in the universal plan, even if I have absolutely no idea what it is!
Someone said to me the other day - "Think about the future, but live in the present". Words that we hear in different forms a lot. But it struck home. I am living more in the present, because I'm really starting to like my present. Yes, in the future, I will need to sort out my work and financial situation, but right now, I'm loving the way my life is going. I think about what I want to do for work and have put out a couple of feelers, but I don't have to worry about it right now.
Right now, I'm trying to heal from everything in my life. Trying to find the new me and create a new life. One free from the restrictions that have held me back from happiness and peacefulness and joy. One that I am proud of and makes me feel like a worthwhile human being. I think I'm a little bit further along in that journey, maybe, just maybe...
Oh and there's that little thing of our embryo transfer on Tuesday. Wish us luck!
Love and Light
xxx
It's been a month since I posted. Where has the time gone?! Last week I joined Dave on a work trip. I had a great time while he was at work! We stayed at a B&B that was on 400 acres of farmland. It was perfect for me. It was a little weird that was the B&B was actually the top story of their home and you are actually sharing their home with them. But it was great for me.
I had some company while Dave was gone long hours at work. I explored the property, joined the husband on his rounds of the animals, learnt a lot about cattle farming and horse harness racing. Wangaratta had an indoor swimming pool, so I was able to keep up my swimming.
I had a car to drive around in because Dave's employee met us there, so I used his car. I did a lot of touristy things, shopping and exploring places to eat for lunch. Did a lot of walks around the place and generally really enjoyed myself. I LOVED Wangaratta. Such a great feel to the place and lots of things to do and see. And the shopping in the city centre was superb. No main shopping complex, just lots of little shops in the main streets. Lots of places that I loved. Fantastic!
It was a good week for me. Much needed I think.
We have our frozen embryo transfer on Tuesday. I've been going through the motions of the things to do to prepare for it, blood tests, timetabling, getting all the big physical jobs done in the house so I don't itch to do them when I need to be laying down and holding onto the embryo, etc etc. But I don't think I have any reality of it. I mean, I know its happening obviously, but it just seems like an event on the calender.
I thought I might be like this. Just going through the motions of it all. Then I remembered today that we have already named this embryo - Nemo. That brought a bit of reality to me. This one has a name. And then I thought of writing in my blog. That brings a bit more reality again.
And that brings - fear, nervousness, worry... I don't want to be pregnant again. It would be an understatement to say that none of my experiences have been good ones. But I do want to be a Mum and I do want to go through this process in order to get there.
I can't believe we are doing it again. We keep getting told we are courageous to try again so soon after the last time. But we are also being very supported by the fertility clinic.
Our OB believes that I am very fertile, especially for my age. That made me laugh. You're kidding right???!!! No, shes not kidding. It's just that we needed to sort things out and find the right formula - polyp removal so that I can get implantation and the right balance in my blood so that I can hold a pregnancy, and of course, we need to find the right embryo. That one little embryo that is still okay, that is not damaged by age or by genetics. It makes me wonder that if Nemo doesn't work, would it be worth trying a full round again??? Think about that later...
She is so positive - our OB. I so wish we had found her much earlier in our infertilty journey. If she had gotten to me when I was 40, instead of 43, it might have made a huge difference. But nevermind. I am a believer in the universal plan, even if I have absolutely no idea what it is!
Someone said to me the other day - "Think about the future, but live in the present". Words that we hear in different forms a lot. But it struck home. I am living more in the present, because I'm really starting to like my present. Yes, in the future, I will need to sort out my work and financial situation, but right now, I'm loving the way my life is going. I think about what I want to do for work and have put out a couple of feelers, but I don't have to worry about it right now.
Right now, I'm trying to heal from everything in my life. Trying to find the new me and create a new life. One free from the restrictions that have held me back from happiness and peacefulness and joy. One that I am proud of and makes me feel like a worthwhile human being. I think I'm a little bit further along in that journey, maybe, just maybe...
Oh and there's that little thing of our embryo transfer on Tuesday. Wish us luck!
Love and Light
xxx
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
Being cared for
I've had a pretty amazing few days this week and have such a strong sense of being looked after. Dave went away on Friday and I knew I was going to have trouble with my anxiety without him. But due to some incredible friends and my mother, it has been managed and cared for so well.
Saturday night my Mum stayed over with me.
Sunday and Monday night, one of my dear friends "S" stayed with me. She did this out of the kindest of her heart to help me through this difficult time. She is an amazing woman! And it was great for her as well to get some time away, take a break from her normal routine, and be able to do whatever she wanted in peace and quiet!! Spending time together was fantastic!
And Tuesday night another dear friend "C" stayed with me. With this friend, I did a deal. She needed help with her bookwork and receipts, wanting help sorting out the last two financial years as well as setting up some software for the upcoming financial year and to establish new, organsied habits for her accounting. So I offered a trade. She came up with all her paperwork and stayed the night. I was able to help her get on top of things, choose and set up new accounting software, and she was able to give me the company I need so much right now. A great deal! And we had a wonderful time! As it turns out, she also came swimming with me. She was going to miss her swim session this week and when I said that I just needed to do my swim first before she came, she jumped at the opportunity. I waited for her and we swam together. Perfect!!
And Dave, my wonderful husband, did it again. On Thursday night, I came home to him cooking up a storm. He was once again making me a huge big lasagne to last me through several meals without him. God, I love that man!
On Friday night, another friend is coming over the evening. She isn't staying the night but it will be so good to spend the evening with her. She is also my naturopath and gave me this super duper incredible mix to help with my anxiety. Within half an over of taking it, the chest pains have faded and things are manageable again.
I hope it works tonight. Tonight I am on my own. I can already feel my anxiety increasing. I know I can ask Mum to stay, but I would really like to be able to do it myself. "C" is also a naturopath and gave me a bit of advice on my mix. I can take a bit more in one day as long as I take less the next day. I can even spread this out over a few days and reduce for the rest of the week. So maybe I will need just a bit more till Friday and then stop when Dave returns on Saturday.
So a blessing of a week that I am so grateful for. I am still very concerned about my anxiety and I'm still not feeling settled within my "new self". I still need more time. And thank goodness, I have it. I do have a lot of committments over the next two weeks and would prefer to have several days in a row of time at home, but little by little I will find myself.
Love and Light
xxx
Saturday night my Mum stayed over with me.
Sunday and Monday night, one of my dear friends "S" stayed with me. She did this out of the kindest of her heart to help me through this difficult time. She is an amazing woman! And it was great for her as well to get some time away, take a break from her normal routine, and be able to do whatever she wanted in peace and quiet!! Spending time together was fantastic!
And Tuesday night another dear friend "C" stayed with me. With this friend, I did a deal. She needed help with her bookwork and receipts, wanting help sorting out the last two financial years as well as setting up some software for the upcoming financial year and to establish new, organsied habits for her accounting. So I offered a trade. She came up with all her paperwork and stayed the night. I was able to help her get on top of things, choose and set up new accounting software, and she was able to give me the company I need so much right now. A great deal! And we had a wonderful time! As it turns out, she also came swimming with me. She was going to miss her swim session this week and when I said that I just needed to do my swim first before she came, she jumped at the opportunity. I waited for her and we swam together. Perfect!!
And Dave, my wonderful husband, did it again. On Thursday night, I came home to him cooking up a storm. He was once again making me a huge big lasagne to last me through several meals without him. God, I love that man!
On Friday night, another friend is coming over the evening. She isn't staying the night but it will be so good to spend the evening with her. She is also my naturopath and gave me this super duper incredible mix to help with my anxiety. Within half an over of taking it, the chest pains have faded and things are manageable again.
I hope it works tonight. Tonight I am on my own. I can already feel my anxiety increasing. I know I can ask Mum to stay, but I would really like to be able to do it myself. "C" is also a naturopath and gave me a bit of advice on my mix. I can take a bit more in one day as long as I take less the next day. I can even spread this out over a few days and reduce for the rest of the week. So maybe I will need just a bit more till Friday and then stop when Dave returns on Saturday.
So a blessing of a week that I am so grateful for. I am still very concerned about my anxiety and I'm still not feeling settled within my "new self". I still need more time. And thank goodness, I have it. I do have a lot of committments over the next two weeks and would prefer to have several days in a row of time at home, but little by little I will find myself.
Love and Light
xxx
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
At the pool
I'm still loving the pool and have settled into a routine of going every second day. My fitness and muscle strength are steadily increasing, my lap count and length of continuous laps also steadily increasing.
Today I felt able to push it a little further. It was tough going at the start, but by halfway through something different happened. I found myself completely zoning out. I think I went into a meditative state, just swimming stroke after stroke. It was really good.
I finished doing more laps than ever before and would have been quite happy to continue. However, I am still finding that I am so tired afterwards that I knew it would be foolish to do even more at this stage. And yes, a few hours later, I am tired. I was almost asleep on the couch when the phone rang. Good thing too. I have work to do today.
I am so over being tired all the time and I absolute refuse to give up on this journey of increasing my fitness. I want to be the person who can just go and go all day, a busy buzzy bee, with motivation and stamina! Fortunately I can afford to be exhausted after a swim now that I am on school holidays. The bookwork is done from home on my own time and I can still do it when I'm physically tired. I wonder how long it will take before I can go for a swim and not feel so weary afterwards?
It's been over four weeks now since I started at to the pool and this week I have added walking on the alternate days. I know that including the walking will tire me out even more, but eventually, surely (!) I will move past it into greater energy. And I'm also continuing to choose to do more active jobs around the house and not putting them off till later. I have a ways to go with that particular goal but I'm getting there with much better motivation than I have had for the last few months.
A friend of mine joined me for a swim a couple of weeks ago. She is also trying to increase her fitness and is joining me for walks as well. We are going to work up to doing some more strenuous bushwalking again. I can't wait!! It's wonderful to have days of exercising on my own as well as days sharing the activity. I am feeling blessed!
I am grateful to be in the place at the moment. It's been so long since I have been able to do anything else but deal with fertility and pregnancy. I am taking advantage of this brief hiatus. Hopefully it will increase my ability to deal with another pregnancy should that happen. And also then help me better be able to cope with caring for a little one.
We see our fertility OB again in two weeks to discuss transferring Nemo in my next cycle. The kinesioligist has said my body is ready as long as I stay centered and relaxed. So that is my goal. Increasing fitness and beginning a meditation practice again. And after today, I can feel that the swimming is also a form of mediation! Gotta love that!!
Love and Light
xxx
Today I felt able to push it a little further. It was tough going at the start, but by halfway through something different happened. I found myself completely zoning out. I think I went into a meditative state, just swimming stroke after stroke. It was really good.
I finished doing more laps than ever before and would have been quite happy to continue. However, I am still finding that I am so tired afterwards that I knew it would be foolish to do even more at this stage. And yes, a few hours later, I am tired. I was almost asleep on the couch when the phone rang. Good thing too. I have work to do today.
I am so over being tired all the time and I absolute refuse to give up on this journey of increasing my fitness. I want to be the person who can just go and go all day, a busy buzzy bee, with motivation and stamina! Fortunately I can afford to be exhausted after a swim now that I am on school holidays. The bookwork is done from home on my own time and I can still do it when I'm physically tired. I wonder how long it will take before I can go for a swim and not feel so weary afterwards?
It's been over four weeks now since I started at to the pool and this week I have added walking on the alternate days. I know that including the walking will tire me out even more, but eventually, surely (!) I will move past it into greater energy. And I'm also continuing to choose to do more active jobs around the house and not putting them off till later. I have a ways to go with that particular goal but I'm getting there with much better motivation than I have had for the last few months.
A friend of mine joined me for a swim a couple of weeks ago. She is also trying to increase her fitness and is joining me for walks as well. We are going to work up to doing some more strenuous bushwalking again. I can't wait!! It's wonderful to have days of exercising on my own as well as days sharing the activity. I am feeling blessed!
I am grateful to be in the place at the moment. It's been so long since I have been able to do anything else but deal with fertility and pregnancy. I am taking advantage of this brief hiatus. Hopefully it will increase my ability to deal with another pregnancy should that happen. And also then help me better be able to cope with caring for a little one.
We see our fertility OB again in two weeks to discuss transferring Nemo in my next cycle. The kinesioligist has said my body is ready as long as I stay centered and relaxed. So that is my goal. Increasing fitness and beginning a meditation practice again. And after today, I can feel that the swimming is also a form of mediation! Gotta love that!!
Love and Light
xxx
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
How my life is changing
I've said right from when it happened, that this has been a life changing experience for me. At first I could simply feel it in myself. I felt different. This sounds silly to say at 44, but I've felt like I've grown up. There is a wisdom and a life experience in me that wasn't there before. There is a new knowledge about life and an emotional depth that I feel reflected in my eyes. And as much as I'm distraught about how this happened and wish I could take it all back and still have my little girl growing within me, I like the change.
Now I am seeing the change in my daily life, in my actions, in the choices that I am making, and in the things that I am doing. My world is changing. What I want in it, who I want in it, and what I want to be doing with it.
For several years now, I have wished to be more like my mother in certain aspects. My Mum is a get go woman. She doesn't stop. Always busy, always helping, always active. And I have wanted to be more like that. Now, I am starting to be. I like it. And Dave likes it!
Now, why does Dave like it? Because I have started baking! All of a sudden, I have this need to cook. Now, just to remind you, I hate cooking. Loathe it. Dave cooks most of our dinners. But every now and then I have gotten the urge to bake a cake or muffins with a packet mix. Now I am baking from scratch. Any day that I can. If I'm not actually doing it, I am planning what I want to do next. And loving it! Now thats more like my mother. And Dave is my taste tester. And he loves this new me!
I'm also succeeding with my goal to be more active around the house. Television viewing is diminishing. And busy-ness is increasing. And I am so happy for it. The downside... Remember all my clutter clearing? Well I was just starting to feel on top of the house in that regard. Now, there is a whole new level going on! And the house feels crazy again. There is a new level of activity in the kitchen that needs organising - with rearranging cupboards, and organise recipe folders to allow for the new baking me. And there is just more happening everywhere that needs clarifying and organising and finding the right why of doing things.
So my clutter cleared organised head has found a new deeper level of existence that needs sorting out. It's a wonderful metaphor and is so clearly a reflection of the deeper level of me that is emerging. My therapist describes it as peeling away the layers of the onion and discovering and making sense of the real me.
It's a good thing and I so happy for it.
But at the moment it is clouded in a high level of anxiety. Anxiety and being even just a little bit unorganised, don't work together for me.
Dave leaves on a work trip on Friday for over a week. I am not coping without him at the moment. The moment he leaves my anxiety level rockets. My kineisologist saw it in my body in my last session. That at the moment, my need for nuturing is high. That I need supportive friends and family around me. And I'm just not coping without him.
I had resolved the problem. I was spending a few nights in the country with one of my bridesmaids. I used to do it regularly before I met Dave. It was the perfect solution. However, Kiara the cat, needed surgery yesterday. She is fine and recovering well but I can't leave her. Raphael is hissing at her and the two of them need to be managed. I can't leave them alone and there is noone else to look after them.
So, I'm scared about Friday and next week. I don't know how I will be. The anxiety I feel over the cats is simply adding to it. Even before he has gone, I'm not coping.
I will ask Mum to come over. She may even spend a couple of nights. That will help. And I will focus on the wonderful changes that are going on in my life. I will continue to chip at the organisation jobs that I have. I will continue to bake.
I am grateful that with the way I am feeling I haven't turned to my usual coping behaviours. I am still leading my new life, albeit somewhat subdued and shut in.
Now I am seeing the change in my daily life, in my actions, in the choices that I am making, and in the things that I am doing. My world is changing. What I want in it, who I want in it, and what I want to be doing with it.
For several years now, I have wished to be more like my mother in certain aspects. My Mum is a get go woman. She doesn't stop. Always busy, always helping, always active. And I have wanted to be more like that. Now, I am starting to be. I like it. And Dave likes it!
Now, why does Dave like it? Because I have started baking! All of a sudden, I have this need to cook. Now, just to remind you, I hate cooking. Loathe it. Dave cooks most of our dinners. But every now and then I have gotten the urge to bake a cake or muffins with a packet mix. Now I am baking from scratch. Any day that I can. If I'm not actually doing it, I am planning what I want to do next. And loving it! Now thats more like my mother. And Dave is my taste tester. And he loves this new me!
I'm also succeeding with my goal to be more active around the house. Television viewing is diminishing. And busy-ness is increasing. And I am so happy for it. The downside... Remember all my clutter clearing? Well I was just starting to feel on top of the house in that regard. Now, there is a whole new level going on! And the house feels crazy again. There is a new level of activity in the kitchen that needs organising - with rearranging cupboards, and organise recipe folders to allow for the new baking me. And there is just more happening everywhere that needs clarifying and organising and finding the right why of doing things.
So my clutter cleared organised head has found a new deeper level of existence that needs sorting out. It's a wonderful metaphor and is so clearly a reflection of the deeper level of me that is emerging. My therapist describes it as peeling away the layers of the onion and discovering and making sense of the real me.
It's a good thing and I so happy for it.
But at the moment it is clouded in a high level of anxiety. Anxiety and being even just a little bit unorganised, don't work together for me.
Dave leaves on a work trip on Friday for over a week. I am not coping without him at the moment. The moment he leaves my anxiety level rockets. My kineisologist saw it in my body in my last session. That at the moment, my need for nuturing is high. That I need supportive friends and family around me. And I'm just not coping without him.
I had resolved the problem. I was spending a few nights in the country with one of my bridesmaids. I used to do it regularly before I met Dave. It was the perfect solution. However, Kiara the cat, needed surgery yesterday. She is fine and recovering well but I can't leave her. Raphael is hissing at her and the two of them need to be managed. I can't leave them alone and there is noone else to look after them.
So, I'm scared about Friday and next week. I don't know how I will be. The anxiety I feel over the cats is simply adding to it. Even before he has gone, I'm not coping.
I will ask Mum to come over. She may even spend a couple of nights. That will help. And I will focus on the wonderful changes that are going on in my life. I will continue to chip at the organisation jobs that I have. I will continue to bake.
I am grateful that with the way I am feeling I haven't turned to my usual coping behaviours. I am still leading my new life, albeit somewhat subdued and shut in.
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