New Mum Over 40

Part One–November, 2011

2012-01-23T16:00:00.001+10:30

September. That was my last post. My goodness. So much has happened that I need to catch up on. So much going on.

2012. What a year this is going to be. IVF. Marriage.

But I need to start back in the past. Back with the appointment that set the new IVF path rolling…

After the disaster of our previous OB appointment, which was right before we discovered that I had conceived and then consequently dealt with my miscarriage, we made steps to organise an appointment with a new OB.

We spent a lot of time looking for the right one and eventually got a recommendation that sounded great. We had to wait two months for the appointment and were very excited.

November rolled around and we arrived at the clinic.

An hour later, we were still waiting to go in and Dave was getting quite irritated. He had taken time off work that he couldn’t afford in order to be there. And was beginning to be annoyed at such a long wait. He was happy to take time off for the appointment, but was becoming irritated at such a long wait and felt that we should have received a courtesy call to say that she was running very late.

For me, I was relaxed and really enjoying the time we were spending chatting away in the waiting room. I was so looking forward to the appointment and didn’t mind waiting. But I could understand his irritation. I had the day off. He had so much work that needed to be done.

Finally we were called in to her office. The excitement built. I had all my papers with past results and scans all ready to show her. This was it. Finally. IVF. Baby.

As we walked through the door, she got a call on her mobile. “I’m sorry” she says. “I have to go.” WHAT???!!!!

She had a phone call to go the hospital, I think to be with a woman having her baby. Okay, I get it. But we have just waited an hour – and two months. And that’s it???!!

“I can give you 5 minutes”, she said. I could feel Dave’s irritation building.

It turned out, she gave us about 10 minutes. Only to tell us that she doesn’t do IVF anymore and she didn’t know why we were referred to her. What???!!!! This, after I spent about 30 minutes on the phone to the receptionist when I made the appointment, talking about the fact that we coming to see her for IVF. What the hell??!! After the appointment we found out that things had changed in the IVF clinic and she was no longer a part of it. I suspect it happened in the two months that we waited for the appointment.

I was flabbergasted. Why no courtesy phone call to all her upcoming fertility appointments to tell them of the change? Why make us wait for two months, only to come in and get nothing? They knew we were there for IVF, they whispered it to themselves when we arrived. Why not say something even then??!!!

She may have given us 10 minutes, but she didn’t assess us at all. She didn’t look at any of my results, she just babbled a bit about things that we already knew. And then we were dismissed and she was off.

We were left reeling.

And then, when we went to the desk to get some information, they said “That will be $165.” For 10 minutes. Of nothing. You’ve got to be joking!

At that point, Dave had to walk out of the clinic and leave me to deal with the final details. He was ready to snap.

I still find it hard to believe.

It was all so disappointing and set us back 6 months in our process, 6 months that we can’t afford at my age. However, we came out of it with one good thing… a referral to the most fantastic, terrific OB I have ever met!

Stay tuned for Part 2!…

Holidays soon!

2011-09-12T12:09:00.001+09:30

We are going holidays in a few weeks. It’s the first time in nearly four years that we are having an actual ‘holiday’. We have been away – to Sydney to visit family for Christmas or other events and to our property in the country – but not an actual, nothing else to do, stay in some strange place with nothing to do except what we want to do, and visit new things, holiday. The last one was only three months into our relationship, can you believe it?!

It will be so good for us. Dave is already starting to stress about not being at work for that time, even though his Dad will be in town taking care of things. He so needs to get away from the business for a while. But there will still be a daily phone call in the afternoon to make sure things are running smoothly. However for the first three days, we won’t have any phone reception! Woohoo!! He is excited about that. We should have booked to stay there longer!

Of course, if I turn out to have conceived this time around, then will be middle in an isolated area during the critical first few weeks. And I will miss out on all the hill climbing bushwalking that I love to do. But we will only be a couple of hours away from a doctor and who cares about the bushwalking and rockclimbing if I’m pregnant! I’d much rather have that at this stage.

We are halfway through the two week wait. Once again, I am getting the same sensations as last cycle, which were the same as when I was pregnant. Our OB appointment isn’t till November. That was the earliest we could get in. So, it will be a while to find out what is going on. Either that, or in a week’s time I will tell you I’m pregnant! Who knows??! Lets hope for the latter and then an uneventful relaxing holiday.

Appointment

2011-09-05T18:10:00.001+09:30

I had my doctors appointment today. She didn’t have any ideas on why I have been experiencing the symptoms I have – tender breasts after my period, pregnancy like pains a week beforehand. But I have my referral and the OB’s phone number, so the ball is rolling.

She has exactly the attitude we are looking for in our OB. “Yes, here are the statistics, but they are SO much better than they were 10 years ago. And you have been pregnant once now, let’s forget the statistics and just get on with trying to get you pregnant again”

She couldn’t tell me if Elinor will have the same attitude, so keep your fingers crossed for us. She has to be better than the last OB!

We are now in the two-week wait. I’ll try to be more patient than I was last time!

Ready

2011-09-04T17:02:00.001+09:30

Day 14 and I’ve ovulated. This means a normal, regular 28 day cycle. What the??!! That is unheard of for me! So, I’m seeing it as a positive thing with the belief that my body has learnt from being pregnant for a brief time and has been reset to normal. It has remembered what to do!

Positivity is reigning in my life today. I’ve been sick for several days and I think the rest has been really good for me. I’ve begun to change my story and have blogged about this on my other blog. It is a good thing and I look forward to seeing how it evolves.

My doctor’s appointment is tomorrow. Time to get things rolling for our first round of IVF. With any luck, it won’t come to that, but I am now ready for it. I’m looking forward to meeting a different OB with the hope that she is the right one for us. She needs to have a positive approach to us trying to get pregnant over 40 and she needs to not dwell on my weight issues. We know the over 40 and overweight statistics. Just leave them in the background and stay focused on achieving pregnancy. That is the support we need in this process.

And so be it!

Day 1

2011-08-22T14:06:00.001+09:30

It’s Day 1 today. I’m still having those uncomfortable uterine pains which I relate to my last pregnancy, but upon googling others experiences of post-miscarriage PMS, it all seems fairly normal.

It can take 3-4 months for the body to return to normal. Until then, the symptoms can often make you feel as though you may be pregnant again. Which is exactly what I am experiencing. It is quite different to my usual PMS and period pain. For me, as with some other women who have written over the net, I am experiencing lower back pain, cramping which is more like a constant dull ache or stretching sensation, nausea, mild breast tenderness and tiredness. All of which, can be symptoms of pregnancy! It can all be so confusing!

Last cycle, I began experiencing these things right after ovulation. This time, they started about a week ago, along with a mood change of feeling quite sad one morning, which is a common PMS thing for me.

The positive thing is that this is a 30 day cycle. Having always had irregular cycles - , they can be anything from 30 – 36 days - having a 30 day cycle is a good sign for me. I still have the hope that having experienced a pregnancy, my body has been reminded on what it has to do and is making the changes already.

As for what to do next, I have had enough of waiting to get pregnant. I’m getting in with the OB asap!

A response!

2011-08-17T15:09:00.001+09:30

Two posts in one day. This one is in answer to Anita, who wrote a comment to my post The Journey Through.

I’ve always appreciated Anita’s comments and concern and support for our journey. I value her on-line friendship greatly. In this comment, she expressed her concern over my physical and emotional trials and wondered if it wasn’t time that I get on with fertility treatments and “get on with the business of being a wife and mom! :)”

She was writing this comment, just as I was writing my last post “Again???”, which came with a much more healed and renewed approach!

I started to write a response and after about 5 paragraphs, realised it was much more than a comment and has now morphed into this post documenting where we are with our thinking on fertility treatments!!

We had just started the fertility treatment process, when I got pregnant naturally. It was amazing! We were so excited. Even though it didn’t work out, we have found renewed hope that we can do this naturally. So we have decided to give it just a couple of months to see if it can happen again!

I so don't want to go through all the hormone treatments of fertility. I know I will struggle with them, with the emotions and the time, and all else that goes with it. Ultimately though, I will do anything of course, but just a couple of months of trying is the right choice for us now. It will be good!

In retrospect, we are very happy that we got pregnant before going too far into the process with the OB that we saw. I didn't like him! He was very negative about getting pregnant over 40 and I don't need that attitude or the energy that he gave out. We have another name of an OB now (a female), recommended by our doctor, and will go with her if unsuccessful this month and the next. This will also take me closer to the end of the year and the summer break, which will be much easier to handle.

While I don't like the emotions/physical things that have been happening, I do see them as an important growth process for me, just as they were last time – 12 years ago. I realised last night that I haven't binged for nearly three weeks now. I feel the changes that are happening in my life, and I'm so glad. Things are on the improve.

Thank you so much Anita for your concern and your support!

Love and light

Again??

2011-08-17T10:32:00.001+09:30

Today I find myself wondering yet again “Am I pregnant?” I’ve been having trouble sleeping the last few nights and I have sharp lower back pains. Considering I have been sleeping really well for two weeks now and haven’t had lower back pains since I don’t know when – I am wondering.

Gosh, is every symptom in this two week wait going to make me thing maybe I am!

The difference now from a few months ago, is that I have been pregnant. Before then, we had given up any hope that I was going to conceive naturally. Now there is hope. Now I have experienced what it was like for a just a few short weeks. Now, I have some understanding of the symptoms. Now I have faith again that it will happen. In some ways, I am almost expecting it. This is good!

Due to the lack of sleep, I am struggling to get through the day. But once 3.30 rolls around, I intend to do a little bit of shopping for our dining table – which is always a fun thing to do and then go home and curl up in front the heater with the TV or a book and chill to the sound of the pouring rain. I can’t wait. That thought will get me through the day!!!

The journey through.

2011-08-15T17:39:00.001+09:30

Well, we are back in the two week wait once again. Last cycles thoughts of being pregnant again didn’t come to fruition. Which in retrospect, was good. We wanted to wait a cycle just to get things back to normal.

I’ve been struggling a lot with panic attacks, anxiety and the desire to do anything at all. The chest pains from the panic attacks have been strong and scary and it has been all I could do just to get through the days.

However, things are starting to pick up again.

I believe that a lot of the reasons for my anxiety, aside from the obvious – miscarriage, work etc - has been the cycle of unhealthy eating due to stress which causes unhealthy eating with causes stress and on and on. But my body has finally said “that is enough, take these chest pains to scare you back to eating well and reducing your stress levels.”

I’ve been through this before – exactly the same thing happened when my body decided it was time I gave up smoking. Those pains and anxieties (which are the same as now) saw me going to the doctors, specialists and having ECG’s. Everything was fine. I know what is happening.

Once again it has worked. Two weeks ago, through fear, I could only eat the food basics. Even then, the pains would come back, but each day they were diminishing. To make matters worse, Dave was away for the week for work, so I was on my own trying to handle it all. But I got through it – one step closer to being better.

I also made a big decision and resigned from the Flute Society – which was a big volunteering commitment on my part. In many ways it was an important part of being active in the flute world, almost an obligation. A thing that if you didn’t do, it put you in the bad books. But I caught up with the President for coffee and explained to her what was going on and she was most understanding and helpful in making it all happen. The weight that lifted off my shoulders from doing this was amazingly significant!

Last week, with my chest pains diminished and less frequent, I introduced exercise again. I took Maxy on walks at the beautiful Christies Creek Trail, which was wonderful for both of us!

This week, I hope to introduce the stepper again. Being in the two week wait, I’m not quite game to go back to the gym. I am concerned that starting up there again in the first weeks of pregnancy would not be good. I know the equipment to avoid now, but still… I’ll start there again if we aren’t successful this time around.

The problem post miscarriage is that you start looking back. Even though you know it was nothing that you did, you start analysing. Maybe it was the machines at the gym, maybe it was yoga classes, maybe it was the massage I had before I knew I was pregnant, maybe it was… And so it goes on. It was probably none of them. It was nature. But nevertheless, I can’t bring myself to go back to the gym during the two week wait.

So, after two weeks of gradually getting back on track, I am feeling much better. It doesn’t take much for the chest pains to emerge again, but they are manageable and I am sleeping well. I am still struggling somewhat with the daily grind, but I am back to enjoying pottering around the house and doing all the domestic chores. And I feel such a sense of relief and letting go of the Flute Society. Things are progressing.

Dave doesn’t understand my chest pains and anxiety, just like he doesn’t understand my eating disorder. And I can’t seem to successfully explain it to him. I think it’s one of the those things that if you haven’t experienced it, you can’t understand it. But that’s ok. Even though we can’t connect and talk about it the way I can with someone who has been through it, he is still supporting me just by being there and loving me. I absolutely would not be surviving this without him. He is my rock, my comforter, my strength, my shoulder to lean on (literally and figuratively!), my constant, my love. “I love him to the core of my soul.”

Frustration

2011-07-14T14:57:00.001+09:30

Today is the first day of my holidays. I still have the accounting to do, but there is no more music camp or music course and no more school for 10 days. The last week and a half were a real push. I was pushing every second to get out of the house and then get through the day. I am so grateful to be free for a little while.

The last two days of camp were good. I enjoyed them and I felt my mood lift. Then I realised that during that time I was starting to feel the pregnancy symptoms that I had before. Lower abdomen cramping and sneezing. And I started to think that I may be pregnant again. Could that have explained my change in mood?

Then I learnt that it isn’t until after implantation that hcg levels begin to rise and pregnancy symptoms start appearing. Today would only be day 6 after conception, if there is a conception, so it is highly unlikely. But what are these symptoms I am having?

We had not intended to try again until the next cycle, to allow my body to get back to normal. But for one afternoon, we felt great. I was happy and relaxed and being together was wonderful. We didn’t care about contraception.

A couple of days earlier, I had wondered if I might have ovulated, but I wasn’t sure. We both thought – what are the chances? Not very good considering our history. One in a billion. Yet, here I am wondering if I’m pregnant, starting to “feel” pregnant (is it just in my head?) and, before a few hours ago, getting very excited. Just the idea of being pregnant, feeling these symptoms again, such joy.

But now, I am just feeling depressed. I saw the doctor today for another reason and talked to her about it. In a week and a half, I will do a test. At this stage, there would be no hcg levels. No symptoms. God, this waiting really sucks.

I was enjoying and looking forward to a few weeks of not worrying about conception. Having a few drinks, painting the house, eating ham and soft cheese. All the things I haven’t been doing! Now, I don’t want to do that, just in case.

Just in case. Am I destined for more disappointment in two weeks time? At a time, that I am meant to be free of pregnancy thoughts for a little while. It wasn’t intentional. Just one of those things. And it was a happy thing. I wouldn’t take it back at all. I wouldn’t make a different decision about whether or not to use contraception that glorious afternoon. It was the right thing.

Well at the very least, I guess this is a step away from the miscarriage. I just hope it is in the right direction. Whatever way it works, I will always believe it is part of my journey. Things happen as they are destined to and I’m tired of trying to understand why. Just accept and hand it over.

First day of course.

2011-07-04T19:53:00.001+09:30

Today was the first day of the flute school and after the morning tea break it was much better. I don’t know what happened at the beginning, but I found myself teary and sad. I know that last week I was having trouble getting back into life and perhaps this was the same thing. This was a different part of my life that I had to “get back into”. Perhaps it was that. I don’t know. But nevertheless, it passed!

Now I am exhausted. I know that I always say it is much easier being a student than a teacher, but I am beat after today!! 2 hours of driving and a broken sleep could be adding to that too of course!

Anyway, just a quick post. My piano is being tuned at the moment and it is driving me mad!! The repetition of sound and the out of tune going into tune tones is sending a tired, musically exhausted brain completely batty!! I will be glad when it is finished – in another hour. aaaaahhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!

A better day.

2011-07-01T11:32:00.001+09:30

This morning I woke up feeling normal! No deep sadness, no anxiety pains. I didn’t have the overwhelmingly sad dreams that I have been having every night. Wow. It feels so different.

Unfortunately, Dave heads off on Monday for another week away. This is the time of year that he has to travel. It is just bad timing for me. Last time he was away (last week) was when my anxiety kicked in, and that was just 2 nights. Hopefully I will be fine.

I have a flute course for the week, so it will be something different and I will be spending the day with colleagues listening to one of the “Gods” of the flute world rather than in a little room on my own teaching my students. That has got to be better for me! It is a lot of travel every day as it is in the city and I live in the outer suburbs but today, for the first time, I am looking forward to it.

Today is my last teaching day for three weeks. (Aside from one exam student during the holidays). I am looking forward to my last student! My three weeks “holidays” though are not holidays. Next week – flute course. The week after I am tutoring at music camp. And the following week I have to get the EOFY accounting done.

I really could do with a full week off, but I should be able to grab a few days here and there. And if I go into Dave’s office to do the accounting, not only will I be with him, but I will be more focused and should get it done more quickly.

So, a better day today. I am grateful.

Handing it over to God. And Trusting.

A rough road

2011-06-29T13:34:00.001+09:30

This last week has been a whirl of panic attacks, anxiety and depression. I keep looking for a way out but just can’t find the path. I think there is a large part of my unconscious mind that just doesn’t want to. When I see a ray of light and possibility, my mind shuts down to it, it doesn’t want to hear it. However do I deal with that?

I’m in a destructive whirl from which I can’t break free. Why do I make the choices that I make? Why do I live from a state of unconsciousness? I feel like I have no control over my life. aahh. click. That’s because I am meant to be handing over control. And I need to do this daily.

What I need to do is so simple.

Make healthy food choices
Exercise
Do a daily devotion to God.

So simple, yet so beyond me. It makes no sense.

I went to Queen Naturo last week to get some herbal assistance. I have something for relieve anxiety and to uplift my mood. She provided me with some wonderful motivational thoughts that lasted for all of about a day and a half. I can’t live like this.

I have so many work commitments for the next three weeks that are taking over my thoughts and not giving me any time to change my behaviours. I only took one day off from work after the miscarriage, because I just can’t take more time. I get one weeks holiday in three weeks. But I don’t want to have to wait until then to achieve anything. I need relief now.

I have the day off today with a concert tonight. But today has seen me go more in a whirl than ever. A whirl of my destructive behaviours, rather than taking on the things that will help me. I don’t understand this.

Dave has been waking up very early lately, that probably hasn’t helped. I need to sleep longer than 5.30 am. We are also still in the middle of chaos with our house renovations.

Okay, so what to do? What to do?

One step at a time. One step at a time. And hand it over to God.

Beginning the journey back.

2011-06-21T15:32:00.001+09:30

The only physical symptom that I’m having today is complete and utter exhaustion. I just can’t seem to get back my energy levels. But apart from that and slightly sore boobs, I’m grateful to be feeling so much better.

I woke up in a good emotional state and that has remained during the day. I’m struggling with the exhaustion and the emotion of having to keep on keeping on. But I’m so grateful to be getting better.

I’ve been able to relax this afternoon. I worked in the morning and will again this evening. But the afternoon has been all mine and I have chilled in front of a movie with a glass of wine. Wonderful.

Somehow I will get through my big day tomorrow and then I have a small day on Thursday and the day off on Friday. In between I do have to write reports. I keep forgetting about them!! Shite! Have to hand them in Friday. But I can probably do them that morning. I’m prepared, I just need to get the words down. It will be fine.

So, what now? Well, I know it’s time to move on from the miscarriage and begin looking forward again. Easier said than done. I’m sure there is still more that I need to work through on an emotional level. But that is where I feel I need to start directing my attention. Forward. To getting my life back on track. To digging out of the hole and seeing the surface again.

Mmmm…

It seems a bit impossible right now, but I will get there!!

Thank you everyone for all your wonderful support. I have been blessed with your love and care. It’s made a huge difference. Thank you.

Grateful for the bushwalk!

2011-06-20T12:48:00.001+09:30

It was a great morning bushwalking yesterday! I took it easy which was no problems with the little kids that were with us. About 30 minutes in, we hit a beautiful patch of nature and I went mad with the camera and my spirits and physical energy lifted. I feel so renewed.

Later in the day, I began to feel the effects of the exercise. My body felt good, but I also started to get dizzy and a little nauseous and very tired. I was so grateful for the walk though, that I didn’t care. I just curled up in front of the TV and chilled out with D. And went to bed very early and slept right through.

I woke up with a deep sadness this morning. Not like the cloud of depression that swamped me on Saturday, but just so sad. It doesn’t feel directed toward or about anything in particular. It is just there. As the day as gone on, it has lifted significantly. But I suspect it may return again in the morning. We’ll see.

Physically, I feel fine today. Some very minor abdomen discomfort, but nothing of great note. I think I may be nearly healed, physically. I am grateful for that.

Post miscarriage pains and bushwalking!

2011-06-19T08:22:00.001+09:30

I’ve done a lot of internet searching the last few days about miscarriages and have found a lot of information. But what I haven’t found is any information or anyone’s stories about the type of cramping that they have had. Aside from the standard “period like” cramps that are to be expected, I’ve also had sharp stabbing pains that are more muscular and today, a new type of pain. It is higher up in my abdomen and comes and goes like a pulse.

I did read one ladies comment that the sharp stabbing pain could have been the cervix shrinking back into pre-pregnancy shape, but it was isolated comment and certainly there has been no official explanation anywhere talking about this. Not even my doctor gave any explanation for it. But in reverse when I was feeling these pains when I was just pregnant, she did say that it was normal. Once again, no explanation that it may have been the cervix expanding and once again, I got that thought from a forum.

So, if anyone has any thoughts or experiences or “official” information on this, it would be much appreciated!!

I am feeling much better emotionally today and with the exception of these new abdomen pains, better physically too.

Several weeks ago, we organised a bushwalking trip with friends and that is today. I’m not sure how I will go, but certainly I will go better today than I would have even yesterday. I will take it easy and see. But being out in the bush in the best place for me. It speaks to my soul and lifts my spirits. It always makes me so happy! So, even if I have to hang back or sit and rest while the others go on, surely it’s going to be good for me. Fingers crossed that that will be the case and it won’t do the opposite and wear me out again!

I will let you know!!

Bye for now,
love and light,
xxxx

The Cloud

2011-06-18T09:30:00.001+09:30

Today all rational and clear thinking has evaporated and I have awoken in a cloud of depression. It probably hasn’t helped that I haven’t eaten well the last couple of days, but that is all a part of the way I’ve unconsciously always handled sadness. Unfortunately, it also creates a vicious cycle.

I don’t think today will be a day to try and face that as well though. D has to work today. A unrealistic customer means he has to work throughout the weekend to meet this customers demands. Which means I am on my own today (Saturday), which is probably not a good thing. Because now I can just curl up in a ball and be consumed by todays depression. D can so often bring laughter back into my spirit.

I’ve been bleeding for nearly a week now. And it could go on for another week yet. Natural miscarriage always last longer than having a d+c. But I’m glad that I’ve been able to stay away from a curette. But whatever way, it all sucks. Big time.

I called the doctor today to find out the results of yesterdays blood tests. My HCG levels are down to 17 - from 74 on Tuesday and 310 on Sunday. So, there is no need to get another test. The trend is clear. Pre-pregnancy numbers are back.

Right now I don’t feel that I can cope with anything. I have to work again next week and I just don’t see how I can do it. But I have no choice. I have to. I must get back to eating well. I know that will help. And that was meant to be one of the good things to come out of being pregnant – healthy eating. But it hasn’t lasted through these emotions.

I will be glad to move pass this part of the recovery process.

Feelings after an early miscarriage

2011-06-17T16:32:00.001+09:30

The thing with an early miscarriage is that you don’t get a chance to connect with your child. A pregnancy that just never took, means that there was never a heartbeat, there was never a chance to feel your child, to really know that he/she was there. You go through the early pregnancy symptoms - sore breasts, abdomen pains as ligaments start to stretch – but you never get to the morning sickness because your HCG levels never got high enough. The pregnancy failed long before it ever really got started.

When you find out you are pregnant, you get so excited at the prospects that are ahead of you and you start to plan. But you never actually get to the stage of putting any plans into action, because it ended all too soon.

And you realise that you never actually got your child. The fertilised egg that you made didn’t go anywhere. Your HCG levels never even got into the thousands. There was no chance. And you realise that you aren’t actually feeling the loss of a child, but the loss of the potential of a child for which you have longed for so long.

And then you become scared that you won’t be able to get pregnant again. And that if you do, you won’t be able to hold on to the next egg either and you will have to go through this all over again. Or that maybe you will get further, maybe you will get to hear a heartbeat only to have to go through even greater grief of losing the growing child that you did begin to connect with.

So where does that leave me?

It leaves me with the only thing I can do. To once again hand it over to God. To accept that I cannot possibly understand the spiritual plan of my life. To accept that there are never any answers. To simply believe. To be patient. To trust that what is meant to happen in my life is happening and we are exactly where we need to be right now. And to continue to slowly heal.

Recovering

2011-06-16T11:28:00.001+09:30

It can certainly be a difficult journey recovering from miscarriage. Things have gotten worse over the last 24 hours with severe stabbing abdominal pains, dizziness and nausea. It has all calmed down today for the most part, but understandably, I am completely exhausted.

I went to work yesterday, which I don’t regret doing, but it was a very difficult day to get through and may have made things a bit worse. The doctor gave me a major serve this morning for going to work and has ordered me not to do anything for the next few days. She said it was way too soon to have done so, both physically and emotionally. So, I am home for the next few days (minus the two hours at work tomorrow which I will still do. Just two hours and then no explanation is needed to be given to that school.)

D is worried about me and he ordered me not to go to work today before the doctor did. So, I think I have been told!

I have another blood test tomorrow to make sure my hormone levels are coming down as they should. If they haven’t, I will need to have another ultra sound. But I suspect they will have. And after looking at all my test results, the doctor doesn’t believe there will be any complications. So, thats good.

She said that the physical discomfort and bleeding may last up to two weeks. She didn’t come up with a specific explanation for the stabbing pains but it makes sense to me that they were caused by my cervix shrinking back to it’s pre-pregnancy state. They were quite different to the miscarriage cramping.

She has told us to wait a cycle before starting to try again to allow my body to right itself. I need that just as much because of the emotional healing as for the physical. But I will get there – in time. And she suggested we leave it for a few months before going back to the IVF program. Besides we might just get pregnant on our own again!

The Follow Up

2011-06-15T07:54:00.001+09:30

We went back to the hospital yesterday for an ultra sound and another blood test. Both confirmed the miscarriage. The positive side is that there are no complications. My ovaries and uterus look healthy. There is no ectopic pregnancy and no need for a clean out. So that’s it. It’s done. And we start again.

It will probably take a few weeks for my body to get back to normal. But hopefully I will return to ovulating next cycle. D pointed out the fact that for so long I didn’t feel that I had been ovulating. And then I had two cycles we I finally felt that I had. And on that second cycle we got pregnant! So that is also a positive. As long as I ovulate, we can conceive.

I told Queen Naturo yesterday and after talking about how devastated she is for us, she told us what we had heard several times at the hospital. That it is quite common for a first pregnancy to end in miscarriage. And then people can go on to have an easy pregnancy the second time around. It’s as though the body has to be reminded of what to do! I have had several stories since of people having that experience. So another hopeful way of looking at things. My 42 year old body has had a reminder of how to be pregnant!

Things in my body are gradually returning to normal. With each new thing I notice, I feel a deep sense of sadness. I so enjoyed all the signs of pregnancy. It’s going to take a little while for me to recover. It doesn’t matter how much how look at the positive side, I still have a grieving and healing process to go through.

Yesterday, the anger hit. It was from the moment my eyes opened in the morning. It didn’t last too long and I alternated between anger and sadness and a feeling of deep emptiness. The anger seems to have disappeared now. Now I alternate between normality and sadness. It is good to have normality appear in the scheme of things! A step forward.

Questioning

2011-06-13T18:38:00.001+09:30

What I’m struggling with most is the fact that I so strongly felt that our pregnancy was God given. I felt to the core of my soul that we had been given the conception and I was so confident that things would work out. I didn’t expect it to be free and easy, but I was without doubt that God would see us through the pregnancy, particularly the first trimester.

Now, I’m left wondering. What is it all about?

Is this first step of a journey we are being taken on?
Was the pregnancy God given? If so, why a miscarriage?
Or is it just life? Bad luck?

Deep down inside I still believe it is part of my/our journey. But I still find myself questioning. I don’t feel anger. I feel deep disappointment and bafflement. And a little numbness. I feel anxiety about whether we will conceive again. And anxiety that if we do, what will happen? Will I have to go through this again. Certainly, there will much more anxiety in the first trimester now.

Yet once again, I just need to hand it over to God and let go. There has got to be something good come out of this. If nothing else, my eating habits took an instant turn for the better when we found out. I hope that can continue.

Miscarriage

2011-06-13T13:52:00.001+09:30

I had a miscarriage yesterday. I don't need to go into how sad we are or what we went through at the hospital and at home. I'm sure you all know yourselves or at least, can imagine.

What I want to focus on instead, is the positive side of things that we are aware of, even though that awareness may be a little in the distance at the moment.

The doctor gave us the first one. She said that while it is terrible that we have miscarried, the fact is that we now know that we CAN get pregnant naturally. We know we can achieve it. We have a ray of hope. And when my body has recovered, we will try again.

We will be able to finish more of the painting in the house. We have been renovating for the last few months. And hadn't finished painting yet. D was going to have to do it on his own, once the new kitchen had gone in. But now we can finish it together over the next few weeks.

We are very grateful that we hadn't gone away for the long weekend. We had intended going to our property in the middle of nowhere but decided not to. So grateful that we didn't. It would have been a disaster being there considering what happened.

The staff at the hospital were wonderful. When we arrived at emergency, we were put to the top of the list and given a short-term stay room. And the care and treatment we received was fantastic. Thank you to the hospital staff.

I go back to the hospital tomorrow for a scan and some more tests to try and determine what went wrong and to ensure that there isn't an ectopic pregnancy. But going on my pregnancy hormones from the blood test it looks unlikely. It seems that, for whatever reason, the pregnancy just wasn't destined to be.

Today we have had to make a phone calls to our parents and the two close friends we told we were pregnant. But for the most part, we are resting, taking it easy and healing.

First baby appointment

2011-06-09T12:54:00.001+09:30

We had our first baby appointment today – with my GP. She gave us the run down of our options, share care between her and the OB, full care with the OB at the private hospital, or the public system. We are choosing (with her recommendation) to go full care with the OB, purely because of my age and weight. I will be considered to be a high risk pregnancy and we want to ensure the best care every step of the way. It will cost us more, but we don’t care!!! She also said that if I am classified as high risk, which is probable, I wouldn’t be allowed to do share care with her anyway.

So, we will see her next week for the ultra sound results and then it will be off to the private hospital to meet our new OB. We can still see her (the GP) in between appointments if we have any niggling concerns about how I am feeling. It is wonderful to know that she will be there for us if needed.

So, on Tuesday we will have our first ultra sound, to determine the age of the baby, hear the heartbeat and anything other things that needed to be observed. She wasn’t able to give us a due date because my cycles are longer and irregular. So, she said wait until I am well and truly definitely 6 weeks and then the ultra sound will tell us the age of our baby!! We are SO excited. I can’t wait – especially for the heartbeat!!

There were cautions as well of course. The need for testing for chromosone defects, the options we have with that and the risks involved. That was all quite scary. But overall, I came out of that appointment feeling great.

She confirmed that the abdomen pains I have been feeling are completely normal. Yeh! And answered a lot of other questions that we had.

What a different experience than seeing the OB a few weeks ago about starting IVF. I labelled him the Doom and Gloom man, because he threw at us so many negative statistics about getting pregnant at my age. We walked out of there so disheartened and concerned.

Needless to say, he won’t be our OB!!

In contrast, my doctor quoted one of the same statistics but put it in a completely positive light. She said that there might be 1 in 70 of having a down syndrome child. But that meant there was 69 in 70 chance that we won’t!! A much better way of looking at it!!

So, the ball is rolling and we are moving along. **Sigh** It is so exciting!!

Through the grace of God

2011-06-08T19:37:00.001+09:30

Over the last two years, Dave and I have done so many tests to check for fertility and pregnancy (not to mention the gazillion other tests for fertility!). Saliva tests, Urine tests and Basal Body Temperature to check for ovulation. Urine tests to check for pregnancy. Not once have we ever got a positive result on anything. Not for ovulation or for pregnancy.

So, when I walked out of the toilet with the positive pregnancy test on Wednesday night, it put us both in a complete state of shock!

Oh my! Wow!

And I know with all my heart and soul, that we are pregnant through the grace of God. A few months ago, I surrendered the whole journey to God. I said to God that we had tried everything to conceive, we had been pro-active to the enth degree, with no result. I handed it over to God, saying that there was nothing more I can do, that I was helpless and I placed it all into Gods hands. I surrendered and I let go.

Two months later, we are pregnant.

I haven’t stopped thanking God since. Every day, I give thanks. I am so grateful to have been graced with this baby. I feel honoured that we have conceived and that a soul out there in the beyond has chosen us to be its parents.

I will never stop being thankful.

Now, as we journey through this first trimester, I am still placing the journey in God’s hands. I hand over to Him, the health and well-being of our child. I hand over to Him my fears and insecurities. Thy will be done. And in return, I focus on feeling taken care of, at ease and peaceful.

I breathe out a deep sigh.

Aaahhh...

My Pregnancy Journal

2011-06-07T21:03:00.001+09:30

D and I hit the bookstores last weekend and bought three books on pregnancy.

Your Pregnancy Bible by Dr. Ann Deans
Up The Duff by Kaz Cooke (D’s choice. As well as being really informative, it is written in such a humorous way that totally appeals to him)
My Pregnancy Planner by Dr. Miriam Stoppard

It is the last one that I am going to focus on in this blog. The Pregnancy Planner is an informative book that encourages journalling the journey. So what a better place to talk about the journey than here, in my blog!

First changes I noticed (in the first week after discovery):

Sharp pains in lower abdomen both sides – feels muscular
Dull pain on side of abdomen, mostly on the right side. Feels like either a cramp or stitch.
Neither pains last for very long and are not severe.
Really sore breasts for about a week.
Bloated belly from time to time. Feels distended.
Gas! Quite painful at times. And burping! Especially after eating.
I can’t eat my usual serving sizes. I’m needing to eat smaller amounts at mealtimes. And I’m snacking more often. Really hungry!!!
So far, only one difficult emotion. I woke up really sad and then kept changing from that emotion to wanting to hit something. I felt very volatile! But it didn’t last for very long.
Really tired. Heavy legs.
Having to pee more often! Which is in part a result of drinking more water. But last night, I had a bad night and had to get up to the toilet about 6 times! 3x in the first 30 minutes!

Changes in my lifestyle

Immediately after finding out we were pregnant, I began eating so much more healthily. It’s fantastic. No empty calories at all! And no bad eating thoughts. No compulsions. And always and easily stopping when I’ve had enough. I love this change! Only good things for bubby!
Being very conscious of exercise. I am watching my heart rate and not letting it get too high or letting myself get to the point of heavy breathing and not being able to talk. I am learning to slow down and not pushing myself as I normally would. I have also cut out two of the Curves machines at my gym workout. And I am walking slower up the hills that I usually like to power up. I know I must keep my body temperature from getting too high, especially at this stage (first trimester)
Cutting out certain foods. I was most disappointed to find out I couldn’t eat hot chicken from the local store. It is a mainstay of my diet. And tuna only once a week – oh dear. They I what I live on with my salads and snacks! Replaced now with boiled egg and hard cheese so far. Trying to eat more calcium and green leafy vegetables.

Thoughts and feelings

I am so excited, we are so excited. Everything is changing. Finally we got the result we have been waiting over two years for.
I’m also a little scared. Scared of getting safely through the first trimester. And I’m keeping my fingers crossed for the health of our child.
I am looking forward to all the experiences that are going to come with pregnancy. Yes, even morning sickness. Because it means I am pregnant!! I am excited for every little step of the way. Although, I must admit, I wasn’t too happy about the challenging emotion I had yesterday morning. Difficult emotions are always tough!
Any wedding planning is going to be put on hold now. Not that we had really started!! We have been too busy putting our time and money into renovating our home. And I don’t want the stress of planning a wedding whilst pregnant. My goal for this pregnancy is to be stress-free, calm and happy. There is part of me that would really like us to be married when we have our child. But the other part of me knows it makes no difference to our relationship. We are fully committed to each other without needing to make it legal. Wedding planning can come later. Despite the subtle and not-so-subtle words from our parents. Subtle on my side, not-so-subtle on D’s side!
Lots of thoughts about what will happen with work. But leaving any decisions until after the first trimester.
I love D SO much and am so excited to be having a child with him. Grinning from ear to ear!! It was so amazing to find out we were pregnant on the night of our 3 year anniversary. And so incredible that we’d had a wonderful breakthrough in a challenging aspect of our relationship just three days beforehand. We are in such a good place. It is all meant to be. Perfect timing!

It’s Positive!!!!

2011-06-05T08:18:00.001+09:30

After two years and two months, we are finally pregnant!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Woooohoooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!

And would you believe it? We probably conceived the day or two before we had our first appointment with the new OB to look at starting IVF. Incredible! We were already pregnant when we were talking to him about our options! D can’t wait to see him next appointment and tell him that we don’t need him for IVF anymore!

It’s a wonderful story about how we found out.

It was our 3 year anniversary and we had booked a dinner at a wonderful restaurant. I hadn’t been drinking since my last ovulation. I was late for my period. And I wanted to do a pregnancy test to see where we were at and whether I could have a drink at our special occasion.

I went to the toilet, expecting the usual result. D said I took forever to come out and he was starting to wonder what was going on. He was expecting the usual result as well and was just getting ready to go out. But when I took a while he came up to the toilet and waited around the corner.

I came out looking at the test with a confused dumbfounded look on my face and staring intently at the result. He gave me such a fright because he was hiding around the corner!

I took another look at the test and then passed it to him silently with a shocked look on my face. He took the test along with the instructions and stood there comparing the two. And then looked up at me with the same shock!

Oh my God!! We are pregnant! And it hit home. We are pregnant!!!!! It’s positive!!!!

WOWOWOWOWOW

Needless to say, I did not have anything to drink at dinner. Nor could we both stop smiling!

What a wonderful anniversary present! We couldn’t have asked for a better time to have found out. Just as we were going out to celebrate our time together.

I did another test the next morning. It was still positive!

Then went to the doctor.

That test was inconclusive. OH NO! But she sent me off for a blood test. And the next day those results came in positive as well. It was a terrible waiting time though! And a scary phone call to make. I had to check with her three times that she said the test result was positive.

So the new journey begins. We are so excited. We are aware of the need to get safely through the first trimester and what we need to do and not do. But any concerns are mostly over taken by the pure excitement and joy we feel.

After 26 months, we are growing our baby!!!!

Back once more.

2011-03-30T17:27:00.001+10:30

[I’ve put this post on both my blogs, with just a different last paragraph for each!]

An email from Flower Power Mom, sent me to my blog again today after two months of quiet. And of course, the timing is interesting.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my hobbies and interests and how I am missing them. I know this is related a lot to my journey through Marianne Williamson’s book “A Course in Weight Loss”. There has been a small but noticeable shift away from addictive routines and rituals and this has left me with a bit more time to think about the things I love doing in my life.

Lately, life has just been about surviving. Getting through the day and then having the necessary time that I have needed lately just to do nothing, to have down time, to eat. But the last few days I have been feeling unfulfilled and, lets face it, plain boring, by not indulging in all the things I love – bushwalking, photography and blogging – to name the main ones.

And, aside from my addictive routines, I’ve been wondering how much of this is related to being in a relationship compared to being single. I seemed to have much more time and headspace to indulge in my interests when I was single. Not that I would ever want to go back there, not at all. D is the best thing in my life and I never want to lose what we have together. I just need to also find the headspace for the other things in my life that make me who I am, as well as having the time that I love for our relationship.

The funny thing is that, aside from blogging, my other two interests are also D’s interests. Two of the first things that drew us together! So, why aren’t we continuing to indulge in these loves together?

I know a lot of it, for both of us, is time and the demands of work, particularly for D. And for me, it is also the desire to simply be with him. For example, I no longer go walking early in the morning, because I love cuddling up in bed for a while and then eating breakfast together before D rushes off early in the morning for work. And by then, I need to be getting ready and heading off as well. And for the last few months, my own addictive problems have prevented me from being able to exercise after work.

A couple of times over the last week, we have gone out for a walk together early in the morning, but it is tough to do that. We have to wake up extra early. So, want I need, is to find that place within me again that motivates me to go to the gym on my way home. Somewhere in me is the old energy that wants to get out and go places and do things – that wants to blog and connect with others over the net – that wants to take beautiful photographs.

At least I am blogging today!

On the plus side, D and I have filled our weekends the last few weeks with renovating our home. We are painting, building walls, sanding, planning, shopping, looking at home ideas shops and magazines. It is so very rewarding. We have redesigned the layout of our home and are getting a new and bigger kitchen. We are also getting some new furniture and completely new flooring (carpets and wood floors) throughout the whole house. We have been planning it all for over a year and it is wonderful now to be putting it into action.

Obviously this takes away from some of the time I would usually use for walking and photography, but the renovating has only been the last few weeks, and doesn’t count for the last year or so!

So, here I am, developing new rituals and routines that no longer revolve around eating and I am deeply feeling the things that are missing in my life. I do feel a sense that they are on their way to returning and I am looking forward to that.

Perhaps that means blogging more regularly. Hopefully it also means walking through the sand dunes, the nearby conservation park, and the “millions” of stairs that go up and down the coastline. And taking my camera for it all!

On the fertility side – we have made an appointment with our self-appointed GYN for May (which was the earliest appointment we can get). I feel a sense of commitment towards that process beginning to grow in me again. And I think a blog on that particularly issue will be forthcoming!

A beginning

2011-01-25T21:36:00.001+10:30

I made a good start today on the Marianne Williamson book “A Course In Weight Loss”. I think it will be a good step forward in the right direction for me.

I also downloaded the two radio shows she has done on this so far from Hay House Radio. I am halfway through the first one.

It is amazing how much she just nails the whole issue. She really gets it. And I am going to make a concerted effort to go deep into the process that she takes her readers.

As such, I think it is a topic more suited to my Creating Peaceful Thoughts blog. That is exactly what it is about – changing my mindset. So while any progress ont his will hopefully help us conceive, any further entries on this issue I will do over there.

Love and light to you all.

NM over40 (to be!)

Struggling.

2011-01-24T16:21:00.001+10:30

It’s time I made an appointment with the private fertility clinic. But as much as I want a child, I really don’t know that I go through the process of IVF. For so many reasons as those of you who have gone through it will attest to. I’m avoiding making the appointment in the hope that this month will be the month. This time we will conceive.

We are making a more concerted effort again this time around. But I’m not living up to my end of the bargain. I’m struggling to exercise and eat well and no matter how I try, my emotions and mind state just won’t let it happen.

And I dread going to a new OB only to have him tell me I have to lose weight. It’s not like I haven’t wanted to for the last 20 years of my life. And the last 2 years, in particular, with the thought of conceiving in my head. It still hasn’t happened on any permanent level. I don’t want this issue to forestall the treatments that are available to anybody else. I dread the appointment so much.

I must admit to being in constant state of tears this afternoon. Any little thing is setting me off. I don’t know what to do anymore. How can I get passed this?

I just remembered – I bought Marianne Williamson’s new book “A Course in Weight Loss” a few days ago. I’m going to go away now and see if that helps at all. I’m not holding my breath. But I am desperate. And if this book can reconnect me with my spirituality as well, then I will be truly blessed.

A Four Month Update.

2011-01-07T14:27:00.001+10:30

It’s been 4 months nearly since my last post. Hard to believe. An update has been in order for a long time. My desire to document our journey so that our children can read about it one day, if they wish, is still there.

But our lack of success and our need to take a break from it all, saw me steer clear of all blogging of any kind.

Now, due to the summer break and some thoughtful emails and comments from some blogger friends, I find myself back here. Thank you.

There isn’t a lot to report.

Upon mutual agreement we stopped seeing Queen Naturo and King Acupunc for fertility treatments. They, and we, felt that what could be done by them, had be done and I was so ready to stop for a while. Therefore the next step is IVF.

I have a second naturopath I see from time to time who has helped with my hormones greatly over the years. I went to see her first before deciding to see QN and KA. So, I went back to her just because I had to try. I don’t have my hopes up at all and its been nearly three months now. So, this is telling time. They always say it takes around three months for the herbs to really make visible changes. I’m hopeful. But I’m not holding my breath.

We are both really disappointed that the very thing that brought us together, helps up in so many other ways and that we both believe in wholeheartedly has not helped us to become pregnant.

I finally told my Mum. She was good about it and while she would prefer that we were married first, she understands our decisions and supports us. And is actually a bit excited for me, as it turns out! The most significant discovery however, was that her and Dad went through the same thing, with the same problems.
Obviously, I always knew that there are many years between my two older brothers and myself and many years between them, but I didn’t give it a lot of thought.
Mum and Dad went through the same procedures D and I are. The tests, the questions, all of it – with the same result. Unexplained infertility.
Which most likely puts it on my side! And I wonder if Mum had the same problem as I seem to have with a lack of ovulation…

The last three cycles, I have tested for ovulation in THREE ways – basal, saliva and urine testing. There has been no sign of ovulation with any of them. You would think that if I was ovulating, ONE of them would indicate it. I really wish the fertility clinic had just given me the clomid and been done with it. But they wouldn’t because the blood tests indicated that I was ovulating.

However, our waiting period for the private hospital cover has completed now and we are able to go through the private system picking out our own OB. We have a name a friend and nurse recommended, and when the time is right, this is the way we will have to go.

However, my mother is still in hospital after having surgery for bowel cancer. She went in the week before Christmas and hasn’t been able to come home. While the surgery went well and they believe they have gotten all of the cancer, there have been post-operative complications. Physically, she is recovering very well.

But she has had a reaction to either anaesthesia or the medication she was given and is suffering from confusion and delusions. It has been a very traumatic time for her, and for us, and we don’t know how long it will last. As a result of this, she is also unable to handle the stoma she needed to have in order to allow her bowel to rest and heal.
Dad doesn’t cope without her. They are both 80 years old. He suffers from depression and, on one hand is handling it well, and on another hand is a mess.

So, there is no way that I can possibly face going through IVF until my parents are well. It is hard enough being on holidays and dealing with it all, let alone back at work, supporting my parents and handling IVF treatments.

So, everything is hold for now.

Sick = no conception

2010-09-15T09:25:00.001+09:30

D took me to the doctor yesterday. Turns out I have a bronchial infection, not just a mere cold. No wonder I have been getting worse instead of better. But I'm on antibiotics now, so things will start improving.

The disadvantage of course, is that it is highly unlikely that we will conceive this month. Queen Naturo told us right at the beginning that if I'm sick then the body, in it's fight to clear itself of bad things, will reject any conception as a foreign body. The doctor also told us the same thing yesterday.

So, this month will be another wipeout.

The positive aspect of this though, is that I will be able to have champagne at our engagement party in two weeks time!! Woohoo!

We did talk to the doctor again about the fact that we still aren't pregnant and I was surprised to discover that my fertility doctor had sent her a letter with a report on us. It was interesting to read. It didn't say anything I didn't already know but it was interesting to read her summary.

I was frustrated to read that she said she had recommended IUI as well as IVF. She might have recommended it, but she certainly didn't offer it because she told me that her clinic does not do IUI. I remember this clearly because I wanted to go down that path first before IVF and might even have been willing to give it a go right there and then. Except they didn't offer it! I was annoyed by that. But nevermind, I would rather go with a different clinic and OB anyway.

Our health care waiting period runs out in 2 months. Then if we still aren't pregnant we can go down that path. The doctor recommended that we start looking around for a good OB now. I think she was pleased that will be going down the private path instead of the public system. While she didn't say it, obviously, I got the feeling she thinks that is a better way to go.

So, it will be on to our friend who is a nurse in the private hospital to ask around and find out who will be the best OB for us to get. She then might be able to ensure that we can get in with him/her.

And we continue moving forward...

Urine testing

2010-09-13T10:08:00.001+09:30

We have had a bit of hiccup this cycle with me being sick right in the middle of my fertile period. Rather annoying being sick at the best of times, let alone right now!

I've been monitoring my basal temperature for the last couple of weeks. At this stage there is no indication that I have ovulated yet. And I am now on Day 18.

D came home this morning from getting me some cold remedies and was very excited. He found a urine ovulation testing kit for $20 and is excited to give it a go. I've looked at urine testing before and kept away from it for two reasons - each kit only has 5 tests and with my irregular cycles that it makes it really hard to know when to be testing - and they always cost around $70 for each month. Far too expensive when the 'when' to test is too unknown.

Yet, here is one for twenty bucks. And it came with a pregnancy test as well. We are going to use this one, in conjunction with the basal testing and see if we can get a better idea on my ovulation. it was so nice to see D so excited about it!

We did the first test before he went to work and it came up negative. So we will continue for the next 4 days and see what happens both with the urine and the basal. Should be interesting!

Making room for bubs (and updating!)

2010-09-10T11:08:00.001+09:30

Hi all! Sorry I haven't been around much or kept up blogging - both posting and commenting. There just doesn't seemed to have been time in my head for it! But I have really appreciated the comments I have received and have enjoyed quick catch ups on your blogs to see how things are going for you.

One of the reasons that there has been no time, is that we have been tackling some major projects around the home - clutter clearing, organising, building, gardening - all outdoor projects which is an area we haven't tackled since D moved in. See my other blog - Creating Peaceful Thoughts- for all the details!

The clutter clearing and building in particular, held a lot of significance for me in regards to our conception journey, because I saw it as clearing away lots of rubbish in order to make room for bringing a new life into our home and lives. And the building of a work area in the carport was like adding a new room to our home and saw us becoming more efficient both inside and outside the home with more clutter clearing, organising and creating of space.

The process is continuing with much more still to do. And each step forward always signifies to me, more space in our lives for bubs to come in.

That was one of the really positive things that has happened and is still happening!

This, plus so many other little signs last cycle though, made me really hopeful about a positive result. I was sure that we were finally going to conceive. So, when my new cycle began, I was so upset. It was the first time I have really truly cried over a new cycle. And it occurred just as we were about to go away for the weekend and with visitors! Oh dear. Somehow, with D's help and support, I managed to get through that little episode secretly with our visitors none the wiser, and a wonderful weekend away!

However, the positive thing in this new cycle is that the length was back down to 30 days. I haven't had a 30 day cycle since before we started trying a year and a half ago. It always takes around 3 months for new naturopathic meds to really kick into the system and it has now been that long since Queen Naturo put me on new hormones.

I truly believe that my system is balanced so much better and more ready to conceive - a 30 day cycle is awesome for me. A few weeks ago I was all ready to go see my other naturopath for a second opinion (who I haven't seen at all since the journey began), but this has brought my belief back again to the awesome duo that I have my faith in.

It also means that I once again, have such hopes for this cycle. A blessing and a curse all at once!!

More updates:

** King Acupunc has become more gungho about getting us pregnant after going to yet another fertility workshop. He came away equipped with more ideas, more specific points to needle me, and with lots of charts for me to fill in! I appreciate this passion he has to ensure results and hope it works!

** Mr. Ayuveda is continuing to help me, this time working with my own feelings and instincts on what is going on for me. Every now and then I turn up at his door with such a clear image on what is wrong and when it is that strong he is able to get a clearer picture himself on what is needed.

This week was all about helping my soul to find my body. I have been feeling so strongly that I am living outside of my body, up in my head. And I think it has been this way for a long time, which is a big reason for my struggles with weight and food addiction. Before I saw him, I managed for split seconds every now and then to be able to become grounded in myself. And every time I did, for that split second, the food cravings would disappear completely.

Now, after his session, I am able to ground myself and feel centered for longer periods, which is really helping with healthy eating and feeling more peaceful. Which in turn, will help us conceive, I'm sure!

The wait is over

2010-07-30T08:49:00.001+09:30

Well, the two week wait is over and the test was negative. Four days later my new cycle started. I couldn't wait for it to begin, so I could enjoy a glass of wine! I still wasn't going to drink just in case the test was wrong. But Wednesday came and Wednesday night the sound of a bottle cracking open was enjoyed by my ears for the first time in over a month!

I was feeling hopeful about this cycle for a few days. I went to my weekly acupuncture appointment and when he felt my pulse he said there was something different about it. Apparently, a pre-menstrual pulse feels different to a conceived pulse, and mine felt different than usual to him. He wasn't committing to anything of course, but he told me to wait a couple of days and then do a test. Which is what I did. Lucky he didn't commit to anything!!

On Wednesday, I also had my appointment with my ayuvedic masseuse. It was another good appointment. A lot of what he did last time had held in my body and he was really pleased especially to see that my hips had stayed open and I was laying flat on the table, not slightly out of alignment. This is an important one for fertility so I was really pleased to have maintained that.

My energy had also stayed in alignment and my balance was good. As a result, he was able to look further into my body. According to him, my uterus was inflamed so he worked on that. I did ask him how much that could be because I was on Day 1. And while that does affect it, it was not the sole reason.

He doesn't think I am far off being able to conceive. I see him again in a month. Every little bit helps. But I am hoping that his work with him will make a big difference.

I go for acupuncture again today plus a painful massage treatment! I put my back out last week, so I made the appointment longer to get some treatment on it. It feels almost better now so this last treatment should do the trick!

Of course I am disappointed to be starting another cycle but it just seems to be part of the course of life now and I'm moving on. Had we conceived this time though, we would have been able to announce our pregnancy at our engagement party in 2 months time! That would have been fun! Nevermind. On to the next!

Day 20 and the 2-3WW

2010-07-11T15:37:00.001+09:30

It's Day 20 and the 2-3WW has begun yet again. Here we go!!

Ayuveda

2010-07-09T17:27:00.001+09:30

One week ago I went to see my ayuveda masseur. The man is a god-send!

I made the appointment a couple of months (he is hard to get into!) knowing that I needed an energy balancing. Things weren't right and in the past he has been able to balance my energy beautifully.

It was a great session. Apparently my physical energy was going in a completely different direction to my spiritual energy. No wonder I have felt so out of sorts and unbalanced. The next day I was feeling much better - more peaceful and centred and calmer. And best of all, my addictive thinking had gone. I can't even begin to describe how bad things have been in that regards over the last few months. It's been out of control and making me utterly miserable for my complete lack of ability to do anything about it. But two weeks ago I did. I went to the one man who I know helps me.

He also worked on my fertility, clearing away a blockage and opening up hips. Apparently my hips have been rolling inward which puts pressure on the ovaries. He gave me an exercise to keep my hips open and rolled out to where they should be, which D has to help me with.

I see him again in a month to see how things are going.

The last week has been crazy with State Music Camp. It's in the school holidays and involves me getting to work earlier, getting up earlier and driving further everyday. That plus D also having an unusually busy week, we haven't done the exercise and I am starting to feel myself backsliding. I've mentioned it to D and we are going to set up the massage table tonight so we can do it. I'm looking forward to seeing if that shifts things back again.

I'm still amazed at the session and his ability to pinpoint the exact things that I needed. It was exactly the session I was hoping it would be! I'm looking forward to seeing the results and I'm looking forward to my appointment next month!

Getting away

2010-06-25T10:58:00.001+09:30

My coincidence, or design (!), D and I are able to get away to our property in the country this weekend. It's cold and wet, but we don't care. We can't wait to get there and freeze our wet asses off!!

We will freeze in the cold caravan but we don't care because we are going to curl up in bed together and watch a movie on D's tiny little E-Reader.

We are going to be stomping around in the muddy ground, but we don't care because we have galoshes.

We are going to have to try to find wood in the dark when we arrive, but we don't care because we will use our new chainsaw. And if we can't find dry wood, then we won't care because we will curl up in bed early and laugh and talk and have fun together.

It's cold and wet, but we don't care because it will probably mean we will be there by ourselves (without the other partners in the property being there with their 4 kids, 2 dogs, 6 quadbikes and sometimes grumpy demeanour). It will just be the two of us in the peace and quiet surroundings of the middle of nowhere nature.

I can't wait. I see this as being a good start back on the track of my life as I want it to be. A good start out of the slump of not just this week, but the last two weeks. A clean slate. Fresh clean air to blow away the staleness and stagnant thoughts and to bring in calm, peaceful, positive new ones. The true thoughts of my soul!

The two of us together in one of our favourite places in the world. What bliss!

On the up.

2010-06-23T18:33:00.001+09:30

I'm starting along the upward path now. The sense of loss has mostly gone and I'm heading back to my normal self.

Just in time for D too, because his chronic fatigue has been building the last couple of days and tonight he came home in a bad way. I was so glad I had improved over the afternoon and had tidied the house, washed the dishes, put through and hung up 5 loads of laundry and had started the dinner. It makes such a difference to him when he can come home and feel a sense of being looked after with things under control at home. He was able to have a sleep for 30 minutes and then have dinner. He is already feeling better and it's good to see.

I've made an appointment with both Queen Naturo and King Acupunc for next week - back to back!

I also have an appointment with my ayuvedic man. Coincidence that it is next week. He is hard to get into and I made the appointment weeks ago! But I've been thinking that perhaps that might be a way to go for a while. He also has a good reputation with fertility. We'll see.

Anyway, I am grateful I am feeling better. Once again, thank you so much everyone for all your support. I am sorry I haven't been able to reply individually or to head over to your sites and provide my support to you. But I will asap. It is a wonderful network we have with our blogs and I am grateful for it.

Emotions

2010-06-23T08:15:00.001+09:30

Amongst a confusing array of emotions that I just can't work out - I'm feeling a strong sense of loss this morning. Loss for the possibilities I guess. Loss of the dream, of the hope that built up over the last few days. A loss of belief too, I think.

I know it will pass. Just as all our emotions pass as long as we feel them and acknowledge them. But now I'm at a loss! I just don't know what to do.

So, I write here...

I thank you all so much for your support. It's made it so much easier. Thank you...

And in a few minutes, I will shower and get ready for work.

My walk this morning was good. It cleared away some energy. I only have a short day today and then I go and help D clean and organise his office. I enjoy doing that. I'm looking forward to it!

Red wine rules!

2010-06-22T18:44:00.001+09:30

My mid-morning my new cycle had begun and along with it came anger. I was so angry that my period had hung off just long enough for enough for us to have those three hopeful minutes waiting for the pregnancy test.

I'm still a bit angry but thankfully that emotion is slowly dissipating. I'm so frustrated. I don't know what to do or how to feel. The logical brain says everything is as it should be, live in the moment, blah, blah, blah. The other side of brain wants to scream and yell and say WTF!!! Any infertility diagnosis is terrible. Unexplained infertility is exasperating.

Nothing like being able to enjoy a glass of red wine though. I miss red wine. Most of the time I don't think about. It's been a long time now not drinking except for the first few days of my cycle. But every now and then, particularly when socializing, I miss it greatly. So, tonight I get to indulge that favourite pastime. It's a good glass of red from D's cold room at his work. Just divine!

A result

2010-06-22T08:31:00.001+09:30

Well, the test was negative. But still no period. So, until such time as that occurs there is always the possibility that test was inaccurate.

I was so sure that this time would the one. I have felt different the last couple of weeks. I can't describe how, just different.

But, I am also on a different regime of naturopathic medicine working on my hormones, so it is quite likely due to that. Queen Naturo will probably not be happy with me having an extended cycle. I will need to make an appointment with her soon.

The test said that if you still think you may be pregnant, wait three days before testing again . So, in three days, if there is no period, I will test again. And either way, head off to see QN.

I'm feeling ok with it. Disappointed, frustrated, yes. But ok. Life will take us where it will. And everything is as it should be.

Thank you all for your support.

Namaste.

Holding My Breath

2010-06-21T16:58:00.001+09:30

It's Day 38 and I'm holding my breath. I'm finding myself going to the toilet more often just to check! Each day that passes gets us a little more hopeful. D's mum has been with us the last few days so we've been waiting to do a pregnancy test. She left yesterday and we got the test today. If all stays as it is, then we will do the test tomorrow morning. Eeeek!

I'm not sure how I am feeling. Lots of emotions really, depending on the moment. I'm eager to do the test, yet I am also happy to wait. Each hour, each day that passes with no period is a good thing. Doing the test and having a BPN will break the spell. But a BFP... well, just smiles all around!! And then off to the doctors for confirmation, then to the naturopath for a change of herbs, the acupuncturist to make sure the pregnancy holds.

Oh dear. Until tomorrow...

Options

2010-06-10T16:57:00.001+09:30

D and I have just been made aware of a natural fertility clinic in our area. I had never heard of it! I am excited to know that there is somewhere else we can go for a second natural opinion if we choose to. My belief in a natural solution is still strong and until the end of the year, it is the path that we are staying on.

I haven’t been back to the fertility clinic since we were presented with the IVF booklet and the choice to take this path. However, once our health fund waiting period is over at the end of the year, then if we still aren’t pregnant, we will start the roller coaster IVF path but with a different clinic. Once the waiting period is over we will be able to choose our OBGYN, not simply take whoever we are given in the public system. We were also told about a wonderfully successful clinic in Melbourne and wonder if we may choose to go interstate to do IVF. It would be difficult but by the sounds of their results, highly worthwhile.

Anyway, that is several months away yet and may not even be needed. (fingers crossed)

I will need to get over my feelings of disloyalty to Queen Naturo and King Acupunc if we choose to get a second opinion at the natural fertility clinic. These two people are more than just our naturopath and acupuncturist, over the last few years they have become friends. I have the utmost faith in them and and feel thoroughly nurtured and taken care of in their care.

However, I am also 41 years old and have been trying to conceive for about 14 months now. I am wondering if this is working. I need to look at any option available.

I am in the last week of the two week wait. Any decisions will wait until I know one way or the other for this cycle.

I plan on returning to acupuncture treatments next cycle. It will be two cycles that I have taken a break on this and I am ready to return to it again.

An anniversary weekend.

2010-06-03T16:34:00.001+09:30

D and I treated ourselves to a night at the Grand Hotel for our anniversary this year, courtesy of a birthday gift from my parents. Thanks Mum and Dad! It was just awesome!

We had a wonderful time and, wouldn’t you know it, it was right on ovulation time! Woohooo!!

We had heaps of fun with our camera! Check out my 52 Projects post for this week for some of the results of our exposure photography.

The weekend turned out to be cold, wet and dreary. So our plans of walking along the oceanside and down the main street were dashed. Instead we played with the camera doing really silly shots as well as the exposure photography. But for this post, I just put up a nice photo of us in our room!

D LOVED the showerhead in the bathroom. He just HAD to take a photograph of it and plans to install the exact same one in our shower at home! Crazy man!

To ovulate or not to ovulate

2010-05-27T20:16:00.001+09:30

I find it interesting that every time Queen Naturo has tested me for ovulation through E2 and P4, it has always indicated that it is unlikely that I’ve ovulated. Yet, everytime I was test for ovulation at the fertility clinic, she always said that I was.

It could be co-incidence. Maybe that’s the way it worked. FC caught me on a ovulating cycle and QN didn’t. It could also be that FC only ever tested for P4, while QN tested for that as well as E2 – and it is always my E2 levels that are too low for ovulation, the P4’s are ok, but not great because they are affected by the low E2.

Seeing I’m not pregnant, I think I lean towards QN’s analysis more!

Yet, perhaps it was a meant to be thing. Perhaps my destiny is not to be pumped with artificial drugs but to conceive through natural treatments. If that is the case, then I am really happy with that.

Perhaps also I am reading far too much into it. Creating hypotheses where no theories are present!! Who knows! It is just all very interesting. The whole natural medicine versus standard medicine. Yet, my experiences have shown me that natural medicine is much more effective, more intuitive, more revealing and solves the problems rather than masks them symptoms. Time and time again, this has been proven to me.

Natural medicine will always be my first port of call. But when it comes down to it, if we have to go IVF, IUI etc we will, and if I ever got really sick, like cancer, then thank goodness for standard medicine! I am grateful to have access to both!

Test Results

2010-05-26T19:59:00.001+09:30

I’m really please with my test results today. In all but one area, excellent improvements all around. And the one area where there was no change, has given us a focus on what we need to work on. I feel really encouraged by this! I’m glad that so much has improved. And I’m glad to know where the problem is and that there are solutions.

My homocysteine levels have improved dramatically! They are now the best results she has ever seen. If your homocysteine levels are too high there is a risk of miscarriage and down syndrome, so it was very important to get these levels down! Queen Naturo would have been happy if these levels had dropped to around 7. But mine are at a specy 5.5 (range 5.0 – 15.0)!

My testosterone levels have also improved, going from 156 pmol/L down to 121 (range 24-137). She is happy with this!

My progesterone levels were okay, she said and did increase in the second test 2 days later. A good sign! But they need to be better and will be, once my oestradiol (oestrogen) levels are fixed. This is where the problems lays. Progesterone levels will improve once my oestradiol improves, so Queen Naturo is now no longer worried about the P4.

My E2 levels were the same as they were 9 months ago – at 2 pmol/L. (Range – 6-14). They are way too low which indicate that, at least for last month, I didn’t ovulate. Oestrogen is what drives the release of the egg. Without it, no ovulation.

I am actually really happy with this. I was worried that the results would be fine and it would all be a big mystery, just as it was at the fertility clinic. But instead, we have some focus. We have an area that isn’t working and we have treatments to get it working!

I started taking progesterone tablets just a couple of weeks ago. These will help me hold a conception.
And now I will begin taking tablets to help increase the E2 levels and encourage ovulation.

The two together should do the trick! Fingers crossed!

On another medical note, my arthritis has flared up hugely this week. Worse ever. Both King Acupunc and Queen Naturo believe the weather is a large factor. It has turned cold and wet here this week. She has recommended some new tabs for me to take. However, I haven’t been able to find them in store. They are a new release to the over the counter market. One chemist, though, was able to give me the name and number of the agent that supplies them. So, a phone call to her will in order tomorrow. In the meantime, I have some cream – Traumeel – to rub into the joints.

I’m feeling so much more positive and hopeful now than I was yesterday!

Homocysteine – 5.5 umol/L (range 5.0 – 15.0)

Oestradiol (E2) - 2 pmol/L. (Range – 6-14)
Progesterone (P4) – 306 pmol/L increasing to 407 2 days later (Range 140-520)
Testosterone – 121 pmol/L (range 24-137)

Tuesday update

2010-05-25T15:15:00.001+09:30

I have a naturopath appointment tomorrow to get the results of some more tests. They are re-runs of previous tests she has done to see what improvements and changes have occurred. I’m eager to find out what has happened and to see what is the next step for us.

Maybe this will help me to find my positivity and enthusiasm for our conception journey again. I am still at a bit of a loss with it all and find myself with no expectations at all of ever becoming pregnant. It seems such a lofty dream now.

I’m now officially in the long term phase for Queen Naturo. Only one other person she and King Acupunc have treated took over a year to get pregnant. This other lucky woman is now a Mum, so there is still hope. But trust me to be in the difficult category!

I’m still on a break from King Acupunc. I have decided to stay on this break until my next cycle. I just need some time still. Normally here I would write - “that is of course, if there is another cycle!”, but that positivity and hopefulness just doesn’t seem to be oozing out of me right at this minute. You never know though!

To help with the process of finding my mojo again though, it is time to start posting those cute baby pictures again…

Most of my focus is going towards healing myself of my addictive behaviours towards food. And while any progress with this, may also help us on the road to conceiving, I’ve decided to write about in my other blog – creating peaceful thoughts. Because that is what it is all about – finding peace with my head, quietening the crazy, demanding, overwhelming voice that tells me to do things that I really don’t want to do.

There has been progress, but there is still a long way to go. So, I’m off to my other blog to find my peaceful thoughts.

Peace and love to you all!

Flower Power Mom on CNN

2010-05-25T14:51:00.001+09:30

I received an email today from the amazing Angel La Liberte of Flower Power Mom
She was just on CNN supporting motherhood over 40. On her request

, here is her email. Go and check out the interview!

You may remember that I launched a Mother’s Day awareness initiative on later life motherhood, on behalf of Flower Power Mom—The Truth About Motherhood After 40.

On Saturday 22^nd May, I was interviewed for a live debate on CNN News with anchor Don Lemon, regarding the issues related to over-40 motherhood (connected to the Kelly Preston story).

In case you’re interested, I’ve enclosed a blog link which contains the footage:

You can view it at the main site or standalone blog.

Main site: http://www.flowerpowermom.com

Standalone: http://flowerpowermom.com/wordpress/?p=1720

Please consider forward this email and spreading the word to your friends and contacts. It was quite a breakthrough in generating more understanding and support of women having children after 40!

Kind thanks,

Angel La Liberte, Founder, FPM

The Truth About Motherhood After 40

No more counting.

2010-05-16T14:46:00.001+09:30

I have decided that as of now, there will no more counting how many cycles we have gone through without success. It’s been over a year, so I’m done with that! It’s really hard to do, but I am not thinking about what number this is at all!!

So, the good things about starting a new cycle…

It was my friends 40th birthday celebrations last night. It was great to be able to enjoy a few drinks and relax.

I was able to poison the weeds in the garden today. I won’t go near the poison at any other time than the first few days of a new cycle. I am so glad to have gotten that job completely done. There was SO SO many weeds coming up. But no more!!
I hate to use poison, but in my yard at this stage, we have no choice. We have talked about other options, such as weed mat etc, and hopefully we will get to that soon.

I’m not having an easy day of it today and am struggling with a few too many things at once. One of which is that

I’m starting to think my body doesn’t know how to get pregnant. I am ovulating, all my bits are in good working order, D is fine too and we cover my fertile period well.

So, why no conception?

I am completely and utterly baffled.

But, I’m going to do the usual thing of one step at a time and see how well I can get through the rest of the day.

Right now.

2010-05-14T10:57:00.001+09:30

Well, our journey towards parenthood is still going. It’s not as all-encompassing anymore but it is still happening. We are still taking all our herbs, still not drinking alcohol, still keeping track of my fertile period and still waiting.

I find myself though, not focusing on the journey so much. Life has come up and taken hold and there are too many other things going on. Too many other goals to reach and things to do.

I suppose that is a good thing, not having our desire to conceive to be in the forefront of our lives. Sometimes though, I wonder if it is a ‘giving up’ on my part, a loss of faith that it will ever happen.

I stopped going to acupuncture three weeks ago. I just needed a break from it. I’ve been going every week for about 8 months now. I know I will resume it again. But aside from needing a break, I think I have also lost a little faith in this as well.

But, we are still trying. We are almost at the end of the two week wait. It seems to have been going for a long time this time around! I am impatient to know whether I am going to be really happy to be pregnant or happy to be able to enjoy a lovely glass of good red wine at the start of a new cycle!

It is so nice to be able to have the second option as a happy thing when we find out we aren’t pregnant. At least there is something good in it! But I am certainly looking forward to completely giving up drinking for over a year and growing and feeding our little bubby instead.

Anyway, that is where I am right now. A little on the back leg, a little disillusioned, a little despondent, but still walking!

Flying again already.

2010-04-27T09:57:00.001+09:30

Well, I can’t believe it is happening again so quickly, but I am flying again tonight. This was an unexpected trip due to a tragedy in D’s immediate family. We are flying to Sydney to be with them and to attend the funeral.

I am feeling a lot calmer right now than I did at this point last time, which is good. I am still getting some feelings of panic but am able to think rationally about it and to breathe deeply.

This is my fertile week now, so there is the possibility that I could conceive between now and when we return on Sunday, if not already. So, it is going to be especially important that I try to stay calm on the flights. I never wanted to fly when I was pregnant. But I am hoping I have made enough progress on my fears that it won’t be an issue. And maybe it won’t be an issue at such an early stage anyway.

Wish me luck and inner calm.

Back on land

2010-04-19T16:39:00.001+09:30

The flights are done and a good weekend was had!

How did I go?
Well, I got lucky. I had two relatively smooth flights, which made it much easier to manage.

Did the course help?
Yes, it did. There was no instant cure. I still had to manage my fear, but by the second flight, I was surprising myself with how well I did manage the small turbulence that we had and the feelings of take off and landing. It was starting to feel like any other travel trips on car or boat with all the bumping and rocking along the way. And I found myself smiling 30,000 feet in the air!

As I took off the second time, my little ditty popped in my head. “He flys through the air with the greatest of ease..” It helped SO SO SO much!! I then kept telling myself “it’s just like being in the car, the bumps are normal”.

On each flight, I also told the flight attendants on boarding that I had this fear and that I had just done a course trying to conquer it. They were all really nice and helpful and it made it better knowing that they knew. I wasn’t alone up there.

How were my stress levels?
Terrible! And still are. The lead up to this trip was so stressful for me. I was often led to tears, my nerves were a mess, and I really wasn’t coping too well with anything. Now I am successfully back and feeling so much more confident about the next time I may have to fly. However, my anxiety levels are still high. I just can’t wind down.

D is still away and I am not coping with that either. Which is unusual. Normally I am fine with being on my own, having done it my most of my life. Perhaps if he was here, I would be winding down better. Who knows.

How was Melbourne?
Melbourne was fabulous and the hotel was superb!!! I don’t have the photos because D still has the camera! But I took some great ones and can’t wait to show you. It was a real Grand Hotel. The staff were old school in their manner and actions and voice. The decor was like being in a 19th century mansion. Unfortunately the prices matched that! So, we ate out and bought a box of cornflakes for breakfast. The hotel charged $10 for a bowl!!!

We did have one night where we ate in the hotel bar. Much more reasonably priced. But still cooked by the hotel chef. OH MY GOD!!! I have never tasted a steak like it. Absolutely luscious!! MMMMmmmmmmmmmmm!!!!

Overall, I am really happy with myself. I didn’t allow my fear of flying to stop me having a weekend away. I did all that I could, not to just deal with the flight, but to conquer the fear. D is really proud of me!

While I am glad to be grounded for a while to try and get my anxiety levels back to normal, I am actually keen to try again and remove my fear altogether! A relatively smooth flight was a lucky break for me to start the process. The next test will be to get onto a plane without the anxiety in the first place and then to stay relatively calm during rougher turbulence. There is absolutely nothing to worry about. And I am amazed to feel quite calm and believing as I write those words!

D wants to fly to Queensland a couple of times this year as the company that he his a partner in, is opening a new branch over there. If I’m pregnant, I don’t want to take the chance. But if I’m not, I look forward to another holiday together in another city!

Continuing the Fear of Flying course

2010-04-15T21:59:00.001+09:30

Today I have been doing the virtual flight videos and applying my relaxation techniques to the experience. It’s amazing how even just looking at the videos can bring on the fear.

The main relaxation technique I have been using is tapping on the pressure points that King Acupunc showed yesterday at my needle session. He gave me some good needling to help me be calmer and more grounded in my chi. And two of the points he jabbed are points that I need to tap repeatedly whilst chanting a mantra.

Today, I have been using this one “this plane is taking me to see D, this plane is taking me to see D” – that has definitely put a smile on my face.

And this one “I am choosing to fly to see D, I am choosing to fly to see D”.

And then this little song emerged into my head “he flies through the air with the greatest of ease”. It’s from a song about flying trapeze artists but it works for me!! It reminds me that planes are happiest in the air. That is where they glide as they were built to do. The course had this cute little picture of a smiling plane with this sentence “The plane is happiest in the air, that's where it's meant to be!”

I have printed out my notes form the course, downloaded the audio file and put it on my mp3 player and printed out the book to read as well. I have my sudoku books and will get some magazines before I board. I’ve been listening to the audio file any chance I have had today and hope I am starting to get desensitized to the whole experience.

There is nothing to worry about, nothing to worry about, nothing to worry about.

The air is thick like liquid and the plane swims through it.
Even without engines, the plane will continue to glide through the thick air.
The plane automatically keeps level. Pilots have to hold them in a turn or for a descent/ascent.
Bumps in the air are just like bumps in the road. They are caused by changes in the texture of the air, but just as the car keeps going along the road, the plane will keep swimming through the thick air surrounding it.

I put my hand out of the car window as I was driving down the freeway and felt the thickness of the air at the faster speeds. I felt the buoyancy of my hand in it. I felt the bumps along the way as the air changed. But it didn’t affect the buoyancy of my hand.

I imagined being in the plane as the car was bumping along the road.

I watched birds flying through the air, using flapping wings to propel them forward (engines) and then gliding along with the momentum.

Part of me is still feeling all the signs of anxiety and borderline panic, the chest pains are still there. But another part of me is feeling much more relaxed and aware and excited to see if this course has helped me.

But the best focus is the excitement of the adventure. The weekend in Melbourne, seeing D, staying at a grand hotel!! Woohoo!!

Feeling better

2010-04-14T13:53:00.001+09:30

I’m feeling better today and finding myself enjoying the unstructured time of being on my own and doing things at my own pace.

I’ve been doing an on-line course to try and overcome my fear of flying. It is written by a captain pilot and is very informative. I am hoping that knowing what is going on both in the air and on the ground and how it all works will take away a lot of my irrational fears of the plane falling to the ground and crashing!

My aim is to be relaxed up the air, knowing that the plane is built to glide through the air and that turbulence is no different than going over bumps on the road in your car. Did you know that a plane can continue gliding through the air even if all the engines fail?

We are staying at a gorgeous old grand hotel in Melbourne. Built in the 1800’s it is one of the only independent grand hotels in the world. I can’t believe we are staying there. We got a good deal on it through one of the accommodation deals websites. I’m really excited. That will help me get through the flight, knowing where I get to go at the end of it! As well as seeing D of course!

This is so what we need together. A weekend away. If it wasn’t for the ordeal that flying has become for me with the anxiety already building, it would all be just so exciting. I used to love flying. I hope this trip will help me to find that again.

The Hotel Windsor – some sneak pictures to tempt my senses! I will post some of our own photos from the weekend when we get back.

Flying and pointlessness

2010-04-13T20:21:00.001+09:30

I’m flying to Melbourne on Friday to meet D for the weekend. Have I ever told you about my terrible fear of flying. Fear of turbulence and the plane crashing, fear of having a panic attack as well as the claustrophobia which I only have only a plane??

You get the idea. Terror!

But I have been researching it all today, what is turbulence, how planes fly, giving myself loads of information so that I understand it all much better. And then I discovered a free on-line course written by a captain pilot to help recover from this condition. So, I am doing that now.

I have also gotten the necessary natural therapies to assist – nerve tissue salts, and a bach flower remedy. And on the day, I will also have a rescue remedy spray.

I like that I am discovering more about it all. I think it will help.

I really wanted to take this opportunity. Once I am pregnant, I won’t want to fly because of the stress it creates in me. I don’t want to pass that on to bubby. So, now that I know I am not pregnant for at least another two weeks, and this opportunity is here, we are taking it and going to have a weekend rendezvous in another city!

I’m feeling a real sense of pointlessness in my life right now. I am so ready to be a Mum. It’s been nearly a year now and still no bubby. And I just don’t know what I am doing in my life. Nothing seems to have any meaning at all. Not my work, not my activities, not my family. It all seems really pointless.

I know this will pass. I will find again a sense of serenity and peacefulness in the moment. In just being. But it’s not here right now. I miss D. I haven’t been able to have my “it’s okay, honey, we’ll try again this month” hug. I had to tell him over the phone that I got my period. But, as a result, I am having a weekend in Melbourne and that will be good!

Cycle 11

2010-04-12T17:35:00.001+09:30

Day 1

A new cycle has begun.

The positive
– I am glad my cycle went back to a 32 day cycle after the last one being 38 days.
- Tonight I am going to enjoy a lovely glass of Wolf Blass Grey Label Shiraz. Mmmmm…

A request.

2010-04-12T08:35:00.001+09:30

D has just left for a two week work trip and I am feeling at a loss.

I’m still just not quite right. I don’t know what it is. I’ve just started taking my herbs again after a week of not taking anything, simply because I just didn’t want to.
And even now, I am doing it reluctantly because I know I need to. And there are other things in my life that I just don’t want to do. Lucky I am on holidays! I am grateful for that. I don’t feel right in my body, my head or my soul.

I am constantly thinking of the ayuvedic guy I used to see and feel the need to make an appointment. I think I will do that today. Maybe he can help sort things out for me.

I am on Day 33. A longer cycle again. Unless of course I am pregnant. But I don’t think so. Why? I just don’t feel it. And I guess also, I want to be feeling better about myself when I become pregnant!

I need to ask for some safe thoughts for D as he travels the roads for the next two weeks. He will be on the road every day driving between 3000 and 4000 kms in that time. Please send lots of protection for him so that he comes home safely to me. Thank you.

Holiday Update

2010-04-06T09:20:00.001+09:30

I’ve lost motivation to talk about our conception journey lately, probably because I have lost motivation on the journey itself! I’ve still been keeping track of where I am in my cycle and this morning, I worked out when I am due, because we are in the two week wait now. But the drive and the strong desire has taken a respite over the last few weeks. Fortunately it hasn’t for D. And while I still would love to be pregnant, he is often the one saying that we should still be trying now on this particular day. I am so grateful for that! For his enthusiasm and continued desire to have children together.

Last week, I went back to the naturopath for a complete re-look at what herbs I am taking. She is sending me off for tests to see how much improvement there has been in the last few months and is changing things.

She believes the mix I have been taking has done it’s job and it’s now time to focus on my progesterone. From looking at all my fertility clinic test results, she believes it may be possible that we fertilise an egg, but then that I don’t maintain the progesterone level in order to hold it.

The reason she thinks this, is that my progesterone levels are all over the place in regards to the days in my cycle. And she believes that my progesterone levels are dropping far too quickly at the end of my cycle, which the results did indicate. But I wonder if my cycles have become irregular again from the inconsistency in producing oestrogen rather than progesterone.

Nevertheless, she has my complete trust and I am very glad to be taking a different track and trying a new approach. And it’s quite likely that this new herb I am taking which focuses on creating good progesterone will also balance out the other hormones as well.

Over the next few weeks, on the appropriate days of my cycle, I will redo the original tests. I can’t wait to see the results! Definitely excited about that!

Shifting thoughts

2010-03-22T11:58:00.001+10:30

I’ve been finding myself in a very different place the last few weeks with my thoughts directed towards desires and dreams other than conception. Our engagement has made me want other things in my life – most notably to be physically happy with myself for our engagement party and in a wedding dress. I want to be able to look back at photos and be happy with the person I see in them. Right now, I wouldn’t be able to do that. And I know it will take more than a month or three or five of consistent effort in order to achieve that goal.

I am grateful that this has motivated me to begin to lose some weight and to follow some of the fertility eating I have learnt about, but I worry that, as an over 40 mum to be, I simply don’t have time to lose the focus towards having a baby. Yet, it could also be that very shift away from the journey, along with fertility eating, that helps us to become pregnant!

I don’t know. I guess I just need to keep living my life and take each day as it comes. Just being together is the important thing. As well as doing what is right for us.

What is right for us is to be happy together and to not feel any pressing time-line on our lives. There are people wanting us to throw an engagement party right away, there are people shocked that we aren’t setting a date and putting wedding plans into full swing. There is the over 40 body clock saying I don’t have any time to wait to have a baby. There is my strong need to look better for photos and a wedding dress and to feel happy with myself.

There are the what if’s. What if I get pregnant soon? What will happen to the wedding, my goals to look better, the honeymoon?! What if I don’t get pregnant soon? Will I get too old? Will we not ever have children? What if I can’t lose weight? How will that affect things?

What if? What if? What if?

I have moments of living in the moment and not worrying, of being content with the way things are, with doing things the way we want to and when we are ready to, of simply taking one step at a time toward my own personal goal. But I have equal moments with all these thoughts pounding around in my head.

Today, because I am home sick, and not eating particularly well as a result, I am in a darker place than I wish to be. I just want to cocoon myself with some food and a movie and wallow in this illness.

I know I will shift out of this place when the momentum of a week of good food, exercise and a smaller waist, will help me feel like I am moving forward towards my goals. And I know that getting pregnant isn’t going to stop me continuing to move towards a healthier me. And I know that becoming healthier could mean a more fertile me. And I know that it doesn’t matter how long we take to do the engagement party and wedding thing. But I just SO need to look better for that, not for D although that would be nice, but for me, for my own happiness and joy in the celebration. Oh, it’s all just twisting round and round in my head! LET IT GO!

LET IT GO!

In my rational mind, I know that the only thing I can do is to stay focused on eating well, exercising, remaining stress-free, and living in the joy of being so happy with D. Everything else will simply take it’s course.

Thoughts, support, friendship and advice are all welcome! :):)

Fun and laughter!

2010-03-12T12:48:00.001+10:30

Thank you to everyone who was so supportive of my post yesterday. It was so appreciated and I am so grateful to you for being there in the blogging world and sharing our journeys together. It meant a lot and was SO helpful to receive wonderful words of wisdom, advice and support. Thank you!

I am feeling a lot better today. I had a good cry, a couple of drinks and a fantastic evening with D!! It is not often we get to have a couple of drinks together these days and we really enjoyed ourselves, talking together over the dinner table, playing around with the camera, playing with the animals, and in reminiscence of our early dating days, sitting in the lounge with the lights off, listening to all sorts of music, talking, laughing and looking at the amazing visual effects of D’s fantastic screensaver.

Check out some of the fun…!

D will kill me for putting this one up, but it so depicts our fun filled, silly evening! I stuck smiley faces on our faces in order to pick up our spirits!

R and I had a play fight. Check out the claws!! When he plays, he REALLY plays!!! Ya gotta watch out!

K was being her usual gorgeous self watching the goings ons.

M and D had their usual boy fun together. But M got the better of D and grossed him out with his licking!! (goodness knows why I am still writing with initials, when I am putting up photos!! Oh well!)

And lastly, D gotta the better of me and caught me on the throne! Oh dear! Naughty man! But hilarious laughter was the result of this bit of trickery!

So, it was a much needed, joyful, fun-filled, silly and loving evening of togetherdom. And the result is that today I feel much better. I love that we have so much fun together.

Cycle 10

2010-03-11T09:09:00.001+10:30

I got my period this morning and, all of a sudden, I am deep down in the dumps. I need to get through it so I can find the positive once more. It is there, I already know what the positive is, I just have to wade through this deep sadness in order to find it on the other side. It’s there waiting for me, I can see it.

In the meantime, I have to get to work and get through the day.

I see King Acupunc today, so that will be good I suppose. He will needle me so that I have a thorough cleansing of my uterus, so that we can start again all clean and refreshed.

Another positive is that it is good that there is a cleansing after my HSG scan. I am grateful for that. Ah there you go, a little bit better. Wait…, no…, not just yet.

The strong positive that I can see, is that this week D and I together made a commitment to eating 100% healthily for 12 weeks. I put together a list of foods based on a combination of Sandy Robertsons’ book, advice from King Acupunc and a little bit of Weight Watchers knowledge thrown in. Essentially, it is a focus on fruit and veg and what and how much of it we need to eat every day. So, any meal planning is based around fruit and veg.

This difference for me, is that we are doing this together. I feel so good about that. And it has made it so much easier. Thank you, D.

We are both already feeling a lot better after just three days. I know this will help in our goal towards conception. And it is important to me, to try and shift some weight, so I can better deal with the demands of pregnancy. So, that is a big positive in getting another period.

But right now, I need to feel this sadness, I suppose. I certainly don’t want to, but it is there and needs to be felt in order to pass.

I apologise for not keeping up with my blogging these last few days. There simply has been no time to do anything else but work orientated jobs. I look forward to catching up with everyone over the next few days.

Love and Light,

The rest of the results

2010-03-06T10:48:00.001+10:30

The rest of my test results arrived from the fertility clinic. Well, almost the rest. Missing, were the results of my pelvic scan. But I think I will let that go. The most important ones to come in were my progesterone tests and D’s sperm analysis.

And now I am smiling big! Because I was right about the progesterone tests. The two that were missing DID show I was ovulating!! Woohooo!! A 43 on Day 23 and a 40 on Day 26!! Yea!

I went prancing around the house dancing and laughing - “My ovaries are working, little eggs are coming down!”. D just watched me and laughed at my silliness!! :)

It was such a relief after being so worried for so many months about whether I was ovulating or not!! Big smiles all around.

I am yet to research up on D’s results but will at some stage just for my own understanding of it all. However, upon mentioning the morphology to King Acupunc, he said “no worries, I have just the thing!”. Well, of course he does. They both always have a herbal solution to every problem. We have seen the results of it time and time again! Ya just gotta love natural medicine! Brilliant!

There was one little hiccup with things yesterday.

My mum came around to spend some time together and help out with a few things. She brought the mail in. Yes, the fertility clinic letter! Woopsiee. It didn’t say fertility clinic, just the hospital and O and G department. I mean I could be G’ing, but not O’ing!!

I wasn’t sure if she saw it, because it was mixed up with the junk mail. But later she was sitting down quietly and gently asked me why I had given up alcohol. Keep in mind, I gave up about 9 months ago, and up until now, she has been perfectly happy with the fact that it was just to cut back!

In a matter of a split second, I debated telling her or not. But I really don’t want to yet. So, I came out with “I haven’t given up completely”. And left it at that. Which is true, because every time I get a period, I still enjoy a glass or two of my favourite red wine. I didn’t actually answer her question. Later, on our way back from Curves, she mentioned my niece and her fiance discussing having children and I wondered again, if she had seen anything.

I think she is a bit confused about us. I think she is very disappointed that we are not rushing on into our engagement party and wedding. I wonder if I should sit her down and talk to her about what we are doing. D has suggested that it may be a good idea. I don’t know.

I still don’t want the questions every time I see her – are we pregnant yet, how is it going. I don’t know how she would feel about us trying to have a baby before we are married. Mostly, I just want to be able to turn up and tell them both that we are pregnant. That’s the dream I have in my head.

I guess I will just have to think on it some more.

A new beginning

2010-03-04T08:43:00.001+10:30

I don’t know what it is about today, but it feels like the start of a new day! I feel good, I feel at ease and I’ve put my first smiley face on the calendar. Thanks Anita!

I feel unconcerned about the usual problems that hammer away at my head and soul. They feel inconsequential. I feel light.

So why I am writing about this in my conception blog? It seems more appropriate to be writing it in my creating peaceful thoughts blog.

Because I think it is all because of my large progesterone number. I think that seeing actual prove of my P4 going from 2.2 to 45 in just 6 days, gave me confidence and belief in the fact that I am ovulating.

The night before, I was going through all the tests results from the fertility clinic and saying to D that it didn’t make any sense. There was nothing in there to indicate ovulation. I had one P4 that was at 26, but that is just scraping in at the barrel. I was annoyed, I was angry at the OB diagnosis that I was ovulating. “Where is the indication of it?” I was saying.

I looked back over my posts to match up dates with what I written about the appointments. After my first appointment, she had me take 3 P4 tests at two day intervals. It was from these that she first said I was ovulating. There was only one result from those tests in the file and it was only a 13. What was going on?

I realised that this one was probably the last of the 3 tests and perhaps the others were of a higher level. “I must get the other results to see” I thought. “Surely they will make sense of this.”

I was disappointed with my OB. She had done nothing for us, no help, no meds, nothing. I was very grateful for the results of my HSG scan and D’s sperm analysis. I was very grateful at how completely willing she was, with no hesitation, giving me copies of all the results. I didn’t even have to sign anything. That was terrific. I was also very grateful for the clear and more in depth explanations she gave us of her findings. But no assistance.

Yet, on second thinking, it is probably a good thing. The drugs that I would have been pumped with would have caused so many side affects and go so against our belief in staying away from artificial things. We may yet have to go down that path, but for now I am happy to be still be trying naturally. Especially now that we now know we are basically ok.

On insisting I have a second P4 test on Tuesday, so past the usual date for doing these things, our OB resurrected herself in my eyes! Such wonderful instincts! For that, I am SO SO SO SO SO SO grateful. Ecstatic!! Thank you, thank you!

Because now, as a result, I feel terrific. I feel renewed. I feel happy. I feel clean. I feel light. I feel bright eyed. I feel more confident. Within my underlying self, I feel better than I have in many months! Thank you 45. My new favourite number! Thank you OB and the fertility clinic.

Yeeaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!

2010-03-03T17:42:00.001+10:30

Do you think something good has happened???!! Yea, you maybe right! :)

I rang up the clinic today for the results of the Day 29 progesterone test I did yesterday. The OB’s instincts were right! This is going to be a longer cycle. I have ovulated sometime over the last week. The result was 45! Biggest number I have ever had! Last week on my Day 23 test, it was only 2.2.

As we thought we were past the ovulation phase and that my period was due on the weekend, we haven’t been tracking our bedroom activity. So, I quickly thought back over the last week. Gosh, I can’t remember. I’ve just been enjoying, not tracking!! LOL. (oh, and if our child-to-be is reading this years from now and going “ooo yuck, Mum!”, just remember that you wouldn’t have got here without your Dad and I having a great time and loving each other! It’s a happy, celebratory thing!)

I think we should be good. D certainly thinks so! Sooooo, we are back to the two week wait all over again!

I’m a little concerned that my cycle has suddenly become long again. Perhaps it has something to do with the HSG scan. I don’t know. It certainly is possible. That kind of treatment has to have an affect somehow. But I am excited at such a high progesterone level! Woohooo!

Whatever the reason, the missing test results are going to mailed to us, I have made an appointment with Queen Naturo and will get all sorted out once again. QN is just so good though, that it was 4 weeks before I could get in! Usually it is about two weeks, she is just super busy right now! However, I am on the cancellation list and I know that she will call me if she can get me in earlier. I don’t feel there is any hurry. I’m feeling pretty good about things right now.

I found some interesting (at least to me!) info on progesterone and it’s role in the fertility cycle. I’m going post on that tomorrow.

Photo: I just can’t seem to resist putting up photos of our engagement day. I will run out pretty soon, don’t worry! :) I’m just feeling so happy right now about us (A big smiley face, Anita!!) and this photo really reflects that. Shame about the sunnies, but a nice, happy photo just the same!

Today’s Results!

2010-03-02T18:44:00.001+10:30

I’m back from the fertility clinic. D was able to come which was great. I really wasn’t expecting him to be able to make it. It is vintage here in the Australian wine industry so it can get busy and demanding for him. I’m grateful that today was a light day.

The doctor was a lot more explanatory about things this appointment and talked about previous results with more detail than before. It could have been because it was like an overall summary of everything that can and has been done before the IVF decision is needed. Or it could have been because she had a medical student sitting in on the appointment. If this was the case then I am very grateful! It meant we got a clearer picture on things than we have in the past.

HSG SCAN

The HSG scan showed that my tubes are all clear – no blockages! Good news. The pain that I had was probably from muscle spasms. The results said that my “…tubes were slow to opacify [which can be caused by spasming, so that makes sense] but with time, contrast was seen to enter the peritoneal cavity via both tubes...” Contrast being the iodine and opacifying meaning that the tubes and uterine cavity looked white on the image from the flow of the dye. In summary, both tubes were clear and the dye spilled right on through!

I asked her if the scan showed anything else and she said no. Some research I came across said that scan can be used to show fibroids and endometriosis. I did ask if it showed cysts or anything else and she simply referred back to my pelvic scan.

SPERM ANALYSIS

When she first got the results of D’s sperm analysis, she simply told me everything was fine. Today, however, was more detailed. Whether the fact that D was there this time made a difference as well, I don’t know. However, she said that his sperm count and motility was good, but his morphology (sperm shape) was lower than average at 25% instead of the average 30%. While she said that this is fine under normal circumstance, it could make a difference if we choose to do IVF.

Her concern in regards to this, was combining it with the fact that I’m over 40. Sigh.

PELVIC SCAN

She also gave me more information in regard to my pelvic scan from several months ago. There was a follicle that shouldn’t have been there at that stage in my cycle. She was unsure what it was about but believes that now that my cycle seems to have settled down and regulated a lot more, it is something we no longer need to worry about.

Of course, what was never mentioned was why my cycle has settled down over the last 6 months. She is not even questioning it or wondering, which considering she hasn’t given me any medication, you would think she would be wanting to know why. I wonder if in her head, she is even thinking about the fact that I am seeing Queen Naturo and it is her treatment that is working!!

OVULATION

My progesterone test from this cycle only 2.2, indicating that I haven’t ovulated this cycle. This is a figure more likely seen in the follicular phase of the cycle, so she got me to take another P4 blood test for today. She wants to determine whether I haven’t ovulated or whether I have ovulated late and may just end up having a long cycle this time around.

I’m due for my period on the weekend, so the results of the test will let us know what to do if my period hasn’t come by Monday. Ovulated – wait another week to see. Not ovulated – wait another week to see. Oh yea, the same action either way!! :)

All in all, she believes that I am ovulating enough to not warrant taking clomid - that it is normal for a woman my age to not ovulate every cycle. She believes that the affects of clomid could actually disadvantage us at this stage. I can’t remember everything she said, but something to do with clomid possibly causing problems with implantation.

NOW WHAT?

This clinic doesn’t do IUI, so if we wanted to go down that path, we would have to go somewhere else. She has given us information about IVF and sent us off to read it over and discuss what we want to do.

However, we are already decided. We are going to continue with the natural path for the rest of the year. Queen Naturo is ready to do the saliva tests again to see how much improvement there has been since she started treating me and to see where to go next with natural therapy. I have a copy of most of the results from the clinic which I will take to QN for her to look at.

We both believe that by following this path, we will conceive. So much has improved over the last few months with my statistics. If by the end of the year we aren’t pregnant, we will look at it again. Also by then, our years waiting period with our health fund will be over and we will be able to go into the private stream, with our choice of doctors and clinics. And that’

s really important to us as well.

We know we don’t have a lot of time on our hands and the doctor was most encouraging that we start sooner than later. But I really don’t want to go down the IVF path. We truly believe in natural therapy and the 100% success rate from the natural therapy clinic.

CONCLUSION

We have achieved what we set out to do by going to the fertility clinic. We know that we are basically okay and fertile. There are no blockages, no abnormalities. There is some concern over the regularity of my ovulation but she believes that I am ovulating. D’s sperm morphology is slightly lower than the norm but also fine. We are functioning!

Now we do all that we can in the natural medicine realm for the next few months.

Results Day!

2010-03-02T07:41:00.001+10:30

I get my results today. 1.30 pm. Unless of course I have to wait an hour like we did the first time!

D may come or not, depending on his work load today. I told him it would be nice to have him there, but it isn’t important. I can give him all the info when I get home and I know his thoughts on how we should or shouldn’t proceed from here. I definitely wanted him with me for the HSG scan, but he doesn’t need to attend this appointment.

I’m finding myself a bit nervous about it. What is wrong with me????!!

But I’m still in a place of knowing that things happen for a reason and everything in it’s own time and place.

Okay, that thought has made me excited about finding out the results.

What a mixture of emotions this journey can bring.

I must go and get ready for work. I’m dragging my feet again this morning. I just want to be doing other things!

Go on, A, get moving… into the shower!

Photo: Engagement Day. Over on the island. We caught the horse drawn train on the way back. Beautiful creatures they are, the draught horse.

Flower Power Mom

2010-02-28T21:05:00.001+10:30

A little while ago, I “met’ Angel, otherwise known as Flower Power Mom. I’ve really enjoyed our communications and she has a great blog and website devoted to Over 40 Moms and Moms to be.

Flower Power Mom—The Truth About Motherhood After 40 is an online forum and blog dedicated to midlife motherhood—to entertain, inform and share the experience of having children after 40.

After a few emails back and forth, she kindly offered to research anything that I wanted to know about. At the time, I was searching for information on herbal teas and what you can and can’t drink when pregnant, along with what ones are good for conception. I thought I would take her up on her offer and put the question to her.

She had begun to talk with a midwife who specialized in natural medicine. And as a result, wrote an article on the subject featuring the two of us!

I was thrilled. It was such a nice thing for her to do. Her commitment, support and active enthusiasm of over 40 motherhood is wonderful. Her website is full of information and I am honoured to have featured on it!

You can read the article at http://flowerpowermom.com/wordpress/?p=1161.

Please head over to her site and blog and support her goals to promote, bring awareness to and provide information of the many issues regarding over 40 Moms.

Redecorating Excitement

2010-02-27T09:20:00.001+10:30

Last night, I felt the great urge to get a new look for this blog! I was tired of the three columns on one side and everything being squished in and wanted to get a layout with only two extra columns.

After choosing what I wanted (more on that in a minute!), I sat down in full preparation of spending the next hour or so, redoing all my widgets. It always happens. Blogger deletes all the widgets you spend so long doing every time you want a new look.

I uploaded the template, saw the list of widgets blogger wanted to delete and sighed a big, deep sigh.

I scrolled down to the delete widgets button…

Only to discover…

There was another button next to it…

A Keep All Widgets button!

What???????

I can now keep all the widgets?????

Oh my God! Woohoooooo!! Yippppeeeee!!! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
I’m SO SO SO Excited!

In just a few minutes, wallah, the new layout is up and all my widgets in tack!
All I had to do was re-arrange them a little. And I also updated them.
Finito!!

I didn’t know what I was looking for in a new layout, I just started looking in my usual place – Simply Fabulous Blogger Templates. And then I saw the Valentines layouts. Of course, THAT is what I need!

After two weeks, I’m no longer high in the clouds after my proposal. Ohhhh. I liked being up high!! Still really happy, but not soaring quite as much!! :):) So, this layout is a reminder of that wonderful day and maybe providing just a little kick back to those highest of clouds every now and then!

Photo: D and I and the clouds about an hour after we got engaged. Still at the spot!

Finally.

2010-02-26T18:07:00.001+10:30

I have been trying to write a post all week. I make a start and then have to do something else. It just hasn’t happened.

This week has been super super busy. We had a visiting artist from overseas giving masterclasses and a recital. Every night after work I have travelled into the city. I’m a little tired!

But now it is Friday night, D is away for work and I have the house to myself.

So to catch up…

As you know, I haven’t been tracking this cycle. I was/am just over the whole tracking ovulation thing and just wanted to chill out this time around. The timing was perfect as it turned out. I had my HSG Scan, we got engaged and I started work again. There just hasn’t been time!

Yet, after I hit the time after ovulation, I suddenly found myself in the two week wait. “Will I be pregnant? I have to wait two weeks to find out? It’s such a long time.”

I was so surprised to enter this phase! I didn’t expect it. It only lasted for a few days though and now I am back to the normal ‘go with the flow’ me. In fact, after today’s acupuncture appointment, I think it would be a good idea to have a menstrual cycle – post HSG scan.

King Acupunc warned me that the period after an HSG scan may be heavier and different to usual. If there has been anything flushed out of my tubes, it will make it’s way out during this time. Not a nice thought!

Has anyone had any experience with this?

What is a nice thought, is to have a completely cleansed uterus. So, it would be a blessing to go through another cycle in order to achieve this.

I’m Day 25 now, so going on a 31-33 Day cycle, it’s still a week to go before we find out whether we are happily and wondrously pregnant or thoroughly cleansed!

Feeling Happy and Relaxed.

2010-02-18T22:09:00.001+10:30

What a wonderful week I am having! I love being engaged! And I love that D loves being engaged – in fact I think I like that even better! LOL

I got a fitting for the making of my ring and pulled a big sad face when the guy said it would be about 4 weeks! Poor guy – he immediately started backtracking saying that would be the maximum time and it might come sooner. It was so funny! He was a good bloke.

Something has shifted in me. I don’t know what. But I’m happier. I’m happy about being engaged. But I’m also happy about work. I’m happy about my headspace. Things just feel better. And the interesting thing is that it started to shift before Valentines Day. It just then exploded forward after that !! LOL!

I’m back to exercising everyday. And I already feel better for it. Consistency is a big key to everything – exercise and food.

[The photos today are of all the yummy healthy foods that are going to help my fertility!]

I’ve had a few more after affects of the HSG Scan. Both negative and positive.

The negative was a lot of swelling, soreness and discomfort for several days after the BD. (which I have just discovered is short for Baby Dance!) It meant a trip to the chemist and no BD until I was better.

The positive – also in regards to the BD. Lets just say – Oh my God – Wow!! Nothing like a good clean out! :) :)

Okay enough of that now!

This cycle has also been a happy cycle. No tracking. Just chilled and relaxed. In fact, I even thought it was going to be a total wipeout and I wasn’t worried. The swelling occurred close to ovulation time. And as soon as I was feeling better, D came home after kickboxing having damaged his hip. But, as it soons out, we may have made it in just in time. Who knows?! It doesn’t matter.

No stressing. I’m not expecting anything this cycle. It is all relaxed and chilled and we are having a lot of fun together. And enjoying the beginning of this new phase in our lives!

And I know this doesn’t matter at all. And it doesn’t bother me either way. But I am really glad that we got engaged before I got pregnant. There is just something about it – that verbal and also public commitment to each other. I didn’t expect it to make all that much difference to us as a committed couple, but it does. It really really does!

[Did you know that foods that are good for particular areas of the body also have similiar shapes to that part. For example, artichokes are good for the heart, carrots are good for the eyes and when you slice them, they look like an eye. And avocados are good for the womb!]

A Valentines Proposal!

2010-02-15T17:49:00.001+10:30

Yesterday D proposed! And of course, I said yes!

We had such a lovely day. We went on a road trip to a popular seaside country town, taking a picnic lunch, and planned to walk around the markets, have our lunch down on a secluded beach that we had been told about and then afterwards walk around the island that is just off the coast. A perfect Valentines Day together.

What I didn’t know is that for the last three weeks he had planning to ask me to marry him! And yesterday, he had the ring in his pocket waiting for the perfect moment!

Two friends and my parents were in on it. My parents, because he went around and asked permission! And two friends because they helped him pick out the ring.

When we got to the beach, D’s heart sank. It was so not what he was hoping for. He started suggesting that we go to some other places that he thought would be a better setting. But firstly, we decided to climb down the cliffs that were directly below us to take some photos.

It was a very windy day and the wind was quite cold. But once we got down the cliff, we suddenly found ourselves in a beautiful setting cocooned from the wind. It was beautiful. This is where we decided to set up our picnic.

Photo: My favourite view from our picnic spot!

D went back up the cliffs to get our food and, quite significantly it turns out, the camera tripod! I stayed down and started to take some shots.

He came back down and said he wanted to take a photo of the two of us. He set up the tripod, came and sat next to me and as the camera started shooting, pulled out the ring and popped the question!!!!

He had set the camera up to take 10 shots and they are hilarious and wonderful. They show a progression of my face going from shock to my smile getting bigger and bigger!! It’s just so perfect! I can’t stop smiling even now as I write!

Photo: The popped non-alcoholic champagne cork!

Our getting married has never been a question of if, but simply of when. We knew that we had plenty of time to get married, but not plenty of time to have children. So we began the conception journey as soon as we were ready.

Did I have an inkling that the proposal may be coming on Valentines Day? Yes, a little bit! :) But the man threw me off track completely by giving me lovely earrings in the morning. I simply figured it wasn’t coming today! His plan worked!!

It was unfortunate though that he needed a plan in the first place. One day, about three weeks ago, when he was having a nap, I answered his phone. A lady left a message for him to call back. I couldn’t quite catch where she said she was from, but while I didn’t tell him, I did catch the word jewellers.

D feigned his disinterest well, but he was internally furious when I said the name of the woman who called! She knew that he was planning a surprise proposal and he couldn’t believe she left a message with me! He went into panic mode and called on a friend. His suggestion was “well all you can do, is get her something else on the day to throw her off the scent. And if she says anything beforehand, you popped the question right then!” Good plan!!

D laughs telling the story now because all those he told about the phone call, responded with the same three words, “You’re F##%@^ joking!", including the jeweller he did eventually buy the ring from!

It didn’t matter that I may have had a suspicion. I wasn’t going to mention it. I didn’t know anything for sure and I wasn’t going to spoil any plans he had – for him as well as for my own joy over the whole thing!

I love my ring! I don’t get it to wear it for three weeks tops because they need to fit me and then they make a completely new one. They don’t resize engagements rings and I did inherit my Grandmothers fingers! So I get to look at the one I currently have in the box and drool with impatience for it’s replica!!

A summary – the journey so far.

2010-02-13T13:17:00.001+10:30

In the process of searching for info on HSG Scans, I came across a great little blog by a woman also tracking her road to conception. I was so excited! Yea, another person blogging about this. Through her links, I came across another and another and another!

I had begun to think that were very few women blogging about trying to conceive. I was wrong! All of these women though, are much further along the track than we are, having begun the road of IUI, IVFs, clomid etc.

We are still hoping to do this naturally. The fertility clinic is at this stage, our way of finding out if everything is working as it should be. We would have taken clomid had the GYN recommended it, however, that didn’t happen (see below).

This all got me thinking about our journey so far and I realised I wanted to do a summary of what has happened. Initially I wrote it as a conversation, but that ended up too long! So a change of tack is in order...

May 2009 – Abandoned contraception!

July 2009 – Went to our naturopath to begin the natural fertility path.

The summary of the first few appointments:

· Queen Naturo sent us for blood and saliva tests, testing for many many things including all the necessary hormones. She began a regime of herbs and vitamins for both of us.

· A series of results show my hormones are all over the place and need much balancing. Tests were done for FSH, LH, P4, E2, E1, P4:E2, testosterone.

· Very soon, PCOS is suspected and herbal treatment for this starts.
- Began using Maybe Baby to determine ovulation.

September 2009 – Started acupuncture treatments.

Between the two of them – the team of Queen Naturo and King Acupunc - they have a 100% strike rate with all their patients achieving pregnancy, including those that have been through several rounds of IVF. All accept one, achieved conception within one year. Amazing stats!

August 2009 – Began seeing the doctor for help.

· Because of my age, she didn’t want to wait a year and immediately sent me off for more hormone tests and after those results came in, she referred me to the fertility clinic.

· All tests indicated that I was not ovulating.

November 2009 – First appointment at the fertility clinic.

· Blood tests, sperm tests and pelvic ultrasound scheduled. Clomid will be prescribed if tests confirm no ovulation.

December 2009 – Second appointment at fertility clinic.

· Results of tests seem to indicate that I am ovulating now (which I believe is a result of the herbs I am taking and the acupuncture). GYN does not want to put me on clomid. I have felt myself, some signs of ovulation for the first time in months.

· Egg count is high.

· All hormones are within acceptable ranges.

· The pelvic ultrasound has some unusual abnormalities which she is not looking any further at. What the…??? From what the doctor said and showed me during my scan, I suspect that what she is seeing is my PCOS healing from my herbal treatments.

· Other test results are good and she is beginning to think I may end up with a diagnosis of unexplained infertility.

· D results are all good.
She schedules two more cycles testing for ovulation (progesterone) plus an HSG scan.

December 2009 – Queen Naturo sends me off for blood tests to test my homocysteine levels and find out what levels of B12 and folic acid MY body needs.

December, 2009 – I’m unable to get all the GYN fertility tests done due to Christmas and will need to postpone everything a month.

January, 2010 – I find out my homocysteine levels are out of whack and Queen Naturo reassesses all that I am taking and ensures that I have exactly the right amount of each vitamin every day.

February, 2010 – have my HSG scan.

· Find out my results in March after one more progesterone test. Either my tubes were blocked or my muscles were severely spasming. Test was VERY painful. Took several days to fully recover.

Thats it so far!

My HSG Scan – Final

2010-02-12T18:58:00.001+10:30

It’s been two days since the scan and I am pleased to say I am feeling ever so much better!

I had a massage today, hoping to continue to work on my pretty much healed torn abdomen muscle, but unfortunately she really couldn’t get near it! So obviously, without me being consciously aware of it, there is still some tenderness in my belly when any pressure is put on it! And what she did do, which was very little, has flared it up just a little. No worries. Will be fine soon.

I also had my usual acupuncture treatment and he stayed well clear of the area! Such nice people!

They both wanted to know all about it so they could inform their other clients who are about to have the scan. I gave them a run down of my experiences and what I learned, in particular stressing the before and after things to do, and making sure they let people know that the discomfort level will be different for everyone! I certainly wouldn’t want people freaking out about what it may be like, when it is all over with in just a few minutes. But knowledge and knowing the possibilities is important. And preparation before and after is the key.

One other thing I asked D today was whether the doctor had to really force the dye into the tubes. He said yes. He was pushing really hard on the injection to get the dye in. No wonder it hurt!! No free flowing dye for me!! :) But until I get the results, I won’t know whether he had to push hard because I was having muscle spasms or because the tubes were blocked.

Deb commented on my last post that it sounded like quite a procedure. I guess it is really. King Acupunt had a funny view on it and said it was like a plumber coming to unblock your pipes and shoving things down the tubes! :) But the biggest thing for me that made it a big deal, I think, is that I wasn’t informed.

In actual fact, compared to what I have read about procedures further along in the infertility path, this one was a cinch. And if I have gotten lucky, and it has unblocked my tubes, then it is like a huge big cleansing out and refreshing of my baby making bits! A clean fresh start!! :)

Fingers crossed!

I am feeling so much more positive and hopeful about things now. Before the scan I had become very despondent and depressed. I was actually getting a bit worried about the emotions that were swamping me.

But since the scan and my on-line research, I’ve moved back to my usual hopeful, positive, going with the flow, being in the moment self. So, I am very grateful for the experience!

My HSG Scan – Part 2

2010-02-11T14:32:00.001+10:30

Part 1 – My story is here

Part Three – coming tomorrow! Why I am feeling SO much better about things now than I was yesterday morning!

Part Two
– includes My Tips for HSG Scans at the end of this post.

I’m not one for long posts – but there is just so much to say here and I wanted to get it all out in one hit. So my apologies in advance!

An Update On Me

My ‘doing ok just a bit uncomfortable after the scan’, changed during the night. The cramping came on severely, I was bloated and I couldn’t even touch my abdomen. I had a pretty bad night and am so grateful for the day off today to help recover.

Now, I am better. I have rested this morning and the cramping has abated. I’m still tender and bloated and am very tentative about how I move and what I am doing. Also I’m completely exhausted, but I am better. I am grateful for that.

As I was laying in bed last night, I remembered that the doctor told me just before he performed the scan that I may experience period cramps for a couple of days afterwards. He said that normal cramp medication would be sufficient. I’m glad I remembered he told me that. I guess I was so worried about what was about to happen, and all a little in the dark about it all, that I forgot all about it once I got home!

Had I known that in advance though, I wouldn’t have scheduled my supervised gym workout for that evening!! Needless to say, I didn’t go!

I guess that is the thing about going public. You don’t get quite the same kind of care and attention. But it is also completely free, so I’m not going to complain about that! D and I took out hospital insurance three months ago. There is a waiting period of a year before we can use it, but I think if we ever need to decide to go the IVF route, we will want to wait until we can choose our doctors etc.

Receiving Information

I had four people talking to me about the procedure. Only one before the actual day of the appointment. That is really when I should have received the rundown of pain meds beforehand, what to look for in the monitor and what will happen with the dye (I didn’t even know it was going to travel through my fallopian tubes. I was under the impression it just lit up the area to reveal if there was any twisting in the tubes etc).

And most especially I should have been told that there will be some bleeding afterwards. I was SO SO glad that I went to the toilet straight away and noticed the bleeding. Because I went straight back to the nurse and asked her. Imagine if I had gotten home and saw I was bleeding. There would have been worry and phone calls that would have easily been avoided with a bit of information.

What I was told was purely the technical side of the things (what would be inserted) and a cautious ‘mild discomfort like a pap smear’ warning. Except of course for the one nurse, who made it seem like, well I can’t remember now. Something bad!! lol :) I am grateful now that I understand a lot more.

The Informative Forums

I came across several forums with woman asking questions and giving their experiences of their HSG scans. Here’s what I put together about it all.

There seemed to be a lot more women with painful experiences than there were with just mild discomfort. Glad I didn’t read that BEFORE hand! However there were women that said it was similar to period and a couple of ladies said it was just like having a pap smear – which is how the nurses described it as well.

However, the fact that some women were given anaesthesia, others ladies were given other forms of pain killers before the treatment, while others took pain killers themselves, or were advised to do so 30 minutes to an hour before they went in, certainly shows that pain is expected!

It is good to know some places take precautions for this. I certainly wasn’t offered anything or given any suggestion to do so! Instead, I was given reassurances that it would simply be uncomfortable. For me, that wasn’t the case. But for many women, there is just mild discomfort. But the best thing, is that it is all over with in just a few minutes!

It’s hard to know what’s worse! Knowing that there may be a lot of pain and worrying about, but also being able to take pain meds as a preventary. Or not expecting pain and maybe not getting any anyway! Or getting lots of pain but it is all over in a few minutes anyway! Who knows?! All that matters really is that you get results.

Some of the pain you may experience is due painful muscle spasms. This can cause some problems with the dye getting through the tubes which can give an inconclusive result in regards to whether a tube is blocked or it was muscle spasms stopping the dye. If the results are inconclusive or there are any blockages in the tubes or other concerns, you may then get sent for a Diagnostic Laparoscopy. This involves a general anaesthetic and small telescope through your belly button into the pelvis to see if there are any blockages, possibly clear them and look for any other problems, such as endometriosis.

Many ladies said that the HSG scan would only be painful if the tubes were blocked and the dye was forced through the blockage, thus hopefully clearing it. If there was no blockage, then there would simply be mild discomfort as the dye freely moved through the tubes.

The Good News!

Now THIS is the hopeful bit! Many ladies quoted their doctors saying there is an increased chance of conception for the 3 months following the HSG scan. A successful scan flushes out the tubes, as well as changes the Ph inside to help the sperm. This can be your most fertile time!

I find that very hopeful! My experience was VERY painful, so if that means I had blocked tubes and now they aren’t – wow, fantastic!! If this process successfully cleared my tubes (and it wasn’t muscle spasms I was feeling), and takes me to a fertile time AND I get pregnant, then wiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeee, who cares about just a few minutes of pain! (although I must admit, if I have to have it done again, there will be painkillers involved!)

But who knows really. D wisely said that I could read the internet forever and never really know, because it is just the internet – full of all sorts of stuff from all kinds of people. You should never diagnosis on it, of course! But it has been so interesting reading other peoples stories and hearing about the information they have received. And in a few weeks time, after my Day 23 test, I will go back to the GYN to find out the results. What happened in that x-ray room? Muscles spasms, blocked tubes, none of the above???? I look forward to finding out in a few weeks! Yea :)

My Tips for HSG Scans:

* Take painkillers 30-60 minutes before you go in.

* Don’t go to the toilet, because you will need to supply urine for a pregnancy test first!

* No-one can tell you how it’s going to feel for you. Different women experience different levels of comfort from “just felt like a pap smear”, to mild period pain sensations, to extremely painful. And of course, everyone’s pain threshold is different.

* Remember it’s all over in just a few minutes. It’s highly worth the experience in order to find out what is going on inside. And you just may have had some blockages cleared and move into a more fertile time. Well worth it!!

* Make sure your doctor talks to you about the results of the scan straight away.

* Expect some bleeding and leakage afterwards. Having a panty liner in your bag is a good idea just in case!

* Head home afterwards and take the day off the next day. Take it easy. Treat yourself to something nice!

My HSG Scan – Part 1!

2010-02-10T21:35:00.001+10:30

Well, I had my HSG scan today. Oh my god! I have so much to tell, I don’t know where to begin. And to spare you all a HUGELY long post (this one is long enough!), it would be best if I did it in parts over a few days!

Part 1 – My story

Part 2 –
What I have learnt about the process, the results and the possibilities.
Other women's experiences.
My tips on what to do if you need to have one yourself.

Part Three – why I am feeling SO much better about things now than I was this morning!

Part One

A definition of what on earth it is would be a good place to start!

Hysterosalpingogram (HSG): This test is carried out in the x-ray department of the hospital and is a screening test to check if the tubes are blocked. A speculum is passed (like when having a smear test) and a small amount of dye is injected through the cervix. A series of x-rays are taken which show the outline of the uterus and if the tubes are open, dye will be seen flowing through.

Since I got home, I have done a lot of research on-line about the HSG scan. Mostly, I am REALLY glad that I didn’t look anything up before hand. I may not have gone through with it based on other woman's experiences!! But on the other hand, I went into the scan completely uninformed and I am disappointed about that.

What I was told to expect in regards to pain wasn’t my experience. I wasn’t given suggestions about what to do beforehand. I also wasn’t told what to expect afterwards – the bleeding (mild for me), the cramping (which in my case hasn’t been too bad either).

But mostly, I wish I had known what to look for in the monitor. I wish I had asked the doctor before he rushed out what the results were. I wish that I had some understanding of what would happen in regards to the dye and how it moves through the tubes along with the problems it can come across.

But, I didn’t. And maybe that was good, because it was probably enough just to deal with the pain I experienced! FYI – I feel fine now. Just some discomfort which is easily manageable with no need at all for any pain killers.

They took a pregnancy test before I went in just to make sure. I didn’t know they were going to do that though, and I made sure I went to the toilet and had an empty bladder before going into the appointment! But somehow I managed to produce a bit more - enough to be tested! The result was as expected having just had my period!

The nurse that first took us in, sat us down to tell us about the test. She made it seem horrific! Oh no! She even told D that if he felt faint he could sit down or leave the room. He thought “geez, what are they going to do to her?!” I got the impression that I was going to have the thing inserted into my cervix for about 20 minutes. Oh my god! …

[She also told us that the doctor would sterilise both outside and inside in order to prevent infection but did warn of the possibility of pelvic infection still. Other complications could be an allergy to the dye (which I found out on-line tonight - not through the nurse!). All sensible warnings. And I will keep an eye out for any fever or anything that may indicate an infection. If so, then straight off to the doctor!]

... But then the next nurse, who was actually in the appointment, was absolutely lovely! She made it seem just fine and said that I would be in there for about 20 minutes but the actual procedure was about 5 minutes. She was reassuring and kind and funny and caring and the best nurse I have ever met in my whole life!!!!!!

One of my photos for a breath of fresh air!

I am so glad D was with me. He was rubbing my head and holding my hand and it made it so much better. It is also good that he can part of the whole process that I have to go through, that we are sharing it together.

The cool thing was, that he was able to tell me afterwards what happened and what was actually going on when I was responding in certain ways. He could see that as the speculum went in, I was just in a bit of discomfort. Same for when the rod went in. Fortunately I didn’t see the injection because he said it was big!!

As the doctor started injecting the dye, he could see that I was starting to squirm – that was when the ‘period pain’ hit - but it wasn’t too bad. As he kept injecting more dye, that was when it started to get REALLY painful. D thought, “my god, if he is going to inject ALL of that in, she is going to be in intense pain”. But he didn’t inject it all in.

The doctor had me rolling onto my left and then the right side – either to get the dye flowing or to take the x-rays on each side, I don’t know. That actually relieved the pain a little bit so maybe it was because the dye began moving through properly. Who knows!! And then it was all over! Done, finito! Over in a few minutes!

My only concern is that if I had to move to get the dye flowing, that there is/was a blockage. If so, I can only pray that the dye was able to be pushed through and clear the blockage (more on this tomorrow).

There was some mild bleeding and I’ve still got some pain and discomfort, but nothing to fret over or even take any pain killers for. I certainly don’t want to be going out tonight though and definitely no sex! Too sore for that! But I am fine and in three weeks time, we find out the results of the tests.

I’m also really glad I didn’t have to go back to work afterwards. And neither did D, so we came home and chilled out together for the evening.

If you made it down here – thanks for listening!! :) :) :)

Part Two tomorrow!!

Photo: Another one of my photos for a final breather!

Sitting in the moment.

2010-02-07T18:30:00.001+10:30

Today I am back on the bandwagon taking my herbs and being alcohol free. I enjoyed the little break away from things and am finding myself ho-humming about getting back into it.

I guess it just seems like another cycle, another probable fail. It’s SO not the attitude I usually have in life. So, I need to work on getting my thoughts back to being positive and creating the reality we want. Either that or simply focus on the life I am living and let nature and my life plan take its course. I don’t know. I’m just a bit over it all right now.

Yet, my dreams and desires are still there as strong as ever. I’m looking forward to shifting into a better place with. I know it will happen. Time cures all.

I go back to work tomorrow. I think that will help. Back to a bit of structure. A new and better structure this year. It will be a good shift and I am looking forward to seeing where it takes me.

Photo:

This is one of my photos. Taken without looking through the lense, just holding the camera close to the waters surface and clicking! I love doing shots like this and seeing what happens. I always have an idea what I am going for but sometimes things take a different turn!

I chose this one today because I titled it “Just above the water”. Kind of good description for my current state!! The metaphor for me is that while the horizon is sloping and a bit skewed, the water is still crystal clear!

In a muddle.

2010-02-04T09:35:00.001+10:30

I don’t know where I am at the moment. This pain in my back and side is all consuming and is leaving me not being able to do much. Thank goodness I go to my appointments tomorrow! As I know I am not pregnant, I took some anti-inflammatories today, so hopefully that will help.

But I am also a mix of emotions. From relief, to sadness, to frustration, to gratefulness, to going with the flow, to positivity, to clarity, back to frustration, muddiness and doubt. I need to let it all go and just be.

I did a post yesterday about the opportunities that going through another cycle has given me. For some reason I didn’t post it. I’m not sure why. It just didn’t feel right.

The gist of it is though, is that I am grateful for the opportunity to continue my healthier eating patterns before we conceive. Things have been SO much better in that regard and I would really like the opportunity to see and feel the results of that before I start turning into a big turnip!!!

I’ve taken a break from all the herbs I have been taking. It feels right to just stop for a while while my body goes through its cleansing from the last cycle.

I don’t know where I am with anything at the moment. And I’m not going worry about it today. I did too much yesterday, preparing for the school year at my desk and computer, and aggravated my back from the sitting. So, today, I am going to rest everything. My mind, my body, my soul. I’m heading down to the shops to buy a novel (unheard of for me. I’m a library girl!!) and hire some movies. It’s time to try and let go of the guilt over work and snuggle in for a day of rest and recovery and not much else!!

Photo:
Today I thought I would steer away from other peoples babies photos and share with you one of my shots. This photo was taken at one

of our local southern beaches. We have gorgeous beaches around here and this is one of favourite photos!

Day 34 = Day 1

2010-02-02T13:17:00.001+10:30

Well, Day 34 has now turned into Day 1.

I’m actually a little relieved that there is nothing wrong with me in regards to a pregnancy. D is still a little concerned that my pain is not muscular, that it could be my kidney or another organ. I don’t know. The doctor will help on Friday. But, again, I am so relieved that there is nothing wrong with a pregnancy.

Now I need to call the fertility clinic and book an appointment for my next scan. I guess I will do that now.

My next post will be titled Cycle 9 – An Opportunity. I always knew that it would be. There has just been a little drama to deal with first. I am looking forward to writing that one tomorrow about the opportunities I have been given with an extra couple of weeks to work with.

For now though, I need to go through this physical discomfort and the emotional tears that want to burst out of me. PMT mostly I think. But there was fear and concern simmering away at me for the last few days and I can feel that coming to the surface to be released.

All is good. And all will be resolved. Living in the moment, knowing things are as they should be, and feeling Love within us and around us is what makes everything so much better and so right. I am thankful for that.

Day 34

2010-02-02T07:52:00.001+10:30

Day 34. I haven’t had a Day 34 since July last year. Still no period. And a negative pregnancy result. Also a lot more pain.

Without a positive pregnancy result, I’m a bit at a loss. It could be muscular from the gym I guess, but I have never pulled a muscle at Curves before. Although I did go back on Curves Smart last week and worked quite a bit harder on Saturday. But why a delay before the pain appears? A little unusual.

It does say on the pregnancy home test that it doesn’t work for everyone and considering that Maybe Baby never really worked for me, maybe I’m just one of the strange ones! Quite likely! lol :) :)

My doctors appointment is on Friday, so plenty more time for my period to begin or not. And also plenty of time for possible strained muscles to heal.

I don’t feel any need this morning to go to emergency, although I was considering it last night. ‘Twas not good. But this morning, I can breathe a little easier and it doesn’t hurt so much when I press down.

D slept in the spare room after our 2 am sit up - for both of us. I was able to move around more freely and be restless without disturbing him or trying to be quiet and he was ensured a decent sleep before heading off to work today. If I needed him, he would have easily heard me and been there for me.

So now it’s a waiting game. Period to arrive / muscles to heal?? I am thankful to still be on school holidays and not have to deal with this at work. I recorded some new season TV shows last night, so I may just chill out and watch them this morning.

Thanks for listening.

And to our little one to be. If this is because I am newly pregnant with you – then you are absolutely, without doubt, worth every little bit of pain and I so hope that it is because we are pregnant with you.

Katie Lee Photography

Day 33

2010-02-01T08:53:00.001+10:30

Day 33. My last two cycles were 31 days. !!!!

I am hopeful but also a little concerned. I have a pain in my right side that has been there for a few days now. I hope it is nothing to worry about. But I have decided to do a pregnancy test tomorrow (if tomorrow becomes Day 34!) and then go to the doctors.

Wish me luck!

Woopsie!

2010-01-29T15:22:00.001+10:30

As you know, we are not telling our friends and family IRL about our efforts to have a baby. Ever since we began tracking my cycle 6 months ago, I have remembered every fortnight to put away the Maybe Baby and any other signs of our efforts to conceive before our cleaner and now friend, comes around. That is… until today!

After she had been here for a little while, I finally remembered! I wasn’t worried because I didn’t think she had been to our bedroom yet. But I was wrong! She had already gone around with the duster.

As she was finishing up for the morning, she said to me “I wasn’t snooping around amongst your things, but I thought I should let you know that as I was dusting, I came across the Maybe Baby by your bed. Ooo, I thought. I know was THAT is for!!”

After my initial “oh no”, I was so grateful that she felt it was important to tell me and not hide the fact that she saw it. I know I can completely trust her not to tell anyone – including my mother who she attends church with every Sunday!

Now, I don’t have to hide everything every fortnight!

Instead we had a little chat about it and she was able to pass on her insight, wisdom and support. She is a wonderful woman, who has gained much experience and understanding about life. And she is excited for us! And said that she would pray for us. She also promised not to ask me every fortnight how it is all going or ask the question that is one of the reasons we aren’t telling people “are you pregnant yet?”!

The BEST thing about our conversation was when she said “And of course, you are the PERFECT age now to have a baby!”

”What”, I said, “You are the first person to ever say THAT

!”

She said, "Well of course you are. You’ve had so many life experiences, you are more than ready to settle down and really give your all to raising a child. You understand what is involved. You have waited for the right person to have a child with. You are committed to each other as you will be to your child. You will have so much to give to your children. It’s the perfect time!”

Gee, I like that woman!! Thhhrrrrr, to the people who say you shouldn’t have children over 40. Come and talk to our wise and loving cleaner!!! :) :)

When Life Hands You Lemons!

2010-01-28T09:28:00.001+10:30

In catching up with my fav blogs, I headed over to Ambers PPD site and discovered that she awarded me the “When Life Hands You Lemons” blog award. That was so sweet of her and I am touched that she thought of me for this award. Thank you Amber! Her blog is a wealth of information and experience about postpartum depression and I highly recommend heading over there to ‘meet’ her!

The rules for this award are simple:
I am to thank the giver of the award and link to their blog (see above). I am supposed to share 5 things about myself. And I am supposed to link to 5 new blogging recipients of my choosing and notify them.

I think I can do that! :)

First - 5 new recipients.

All of these women are so positive in their outlook on life they are really deserving of the “life hands you lemons” award.

Sweet Jane – a blogger friend of old. I do so enjoy her friendship and feel a real soul connection to her. I am always amazed at how we are so different, yet so much alike and how our stories have often matched up.

Anita – she is so wonderfully supportive of this journey that I am on and I thank her deeply. Her site is a lot of fun with really interesting stories. She encourages all her readers to share their own stories on the same subject creating a wonderful conversation of experiences, thoughts and ideas. Go see her!

Deb Menopausal New Mom – another blogger friend whose support I have been most thankful for. Great blog she has! She is on vacation at the moment and I do miss her posts! I hope she is having a fabulously fun and relaxing time!

Nicci – Nicci has two blogs that I love to visit. Here and here. She is also an old blogger friend who I am grateful to have kept in touch with. At the moment, she is healing from knee surgery and I wish her strength and rapid healing!

Nancy from f8hasit – Nancy is a new blogger friend whose site is always entertaining as her 700 odd followers will attest to! She has wonderful stories and her optimistic and easygoing approach to life is just my cup of tea!

Five things about me…

1. I used to have a different blogger name many moons ago – Journey Through Life. I loved that blogging name and the blogs that I had back then. They helped me through a big phase of my life and I have come out better for it. I am very grateful for the friends I made in that time and even more grateful that some of them are still with them since my return under this user name.

2. I am doing everything right and more in order to enhance fertility except for the one area I have struggled with my whole life – food and weight. I am doing the best that I can and am always trying to get better, but I worry sometimes about its affects. Mostly though I stay positive, remember the supportive educational words of my naturopath and doctor who assure me everything is fine, and look at how much better I am doing now than I was a few months ago.

3. I was single for most of my life – which was a blessing and a struggle all at the same time! It was such a time of growth and self-development and I am grateful for it. Now I am very grateful that I said ‘no’ to those that weren’t right for me, because D is just SO right for me (and vice versa!) and I am so thankful.

4. I long to have a stronger connection to both my physical and spiritual selves. To merge together more completely and really experience life as a spiritual being in a physical world. Sometimes I think I disconnect from both – especially my physical self – and not take full responsibility or be fully connected to who I am.

5. I have arthritis in my knees would you believe??!! Since my 20’s! Ah the joys of playing netball from the age of 5. When my acupuncturist examined my knees, before I even mentioned anything, he said “ah, netball knees”! Shhheeesshhh!! LOL :) :)
The arthritis was only recently diagnosed. After I damaged my knee moving furniture (!), my doctor sent me for x-rays looking for bone damage. No bone damage, but there was arthritis! So now I know what the pain is that I have put up with for 15 years! It is so much better have a name for it! I am grateful for that.

The last week of my cycle.

2010-01-26T17:12:00.001+10:30

I like this time in the cycle. You’ve done the planning. You’ve done the work (if you want to call it work! :) :) ). You’ve done the progesterone test.

Now you just get to sit back and wait!

The waiting has a strong sense of anticipation and excitement, eagerness and hopefulness. Yet it also comes with a sense of peace. Either this will be the right timing or there is more time needed before we conceive. I can see the positives in both sides!

Either way, I like this time!

In peace and hopefulness,

Sunday update

2010-01-24T12:56:00.001+10:30

Today I am feeling a bit tired of the whole ovulation tracking thing! I am thinking of giving it a rest for a while and just going with the flow. With all the different methods we have done, we still don’t really know when I ovulate. We have a pretty good idea but nothing concrete. So, as long as we stay aware of a rough area of time within my cycle, that is good enough for now!

Of course, next cycle I may feel refreshed and want to start trying to track it again but for right now, I need a break!

I’m still taking all my tabs and going for the tests. Still going to the acupuncturist and doing mostly (!) all the right things.

Last night was the biggest challenge of all in regards to no alcohol. We went out to a friends for a bbq. All good. I brought my de-alcoholised wine and drank that along with water. No problems!

But then…

… out came the 22 year old Port that we had given this friend a year ago. Oh no! It smelt divine. I could imagine it’s delicious flavour swirling around in my mouth. I smelt it from D’s glass and want to curl up in ecstasy!!

It was the ONLY time not drinking alcohol has been really really really mean!!!!! :) :)

So, we made a deal that should I get another period, I will treat myself to some of this beautiful port! mmmmmmmm…

I’m enjoying the lots of vegies aspect to the fertility diet from You Can Pregnant Over 40, Naturally. My favourite snack is now celery with almond spread. The idea comes from my naturopath and works perfectly with Sandy’s advice on nutrition.

Postpartum Depression

2010-01-20T14:21:00.001+10:30

I was doing a lot of browsing yesterday on over 40 pregnancy and over 40 mums. I must say, if I wasn’t a glass half full person, I would be mightily depressed and unhappy right now! Postpartum Depression, exhaustion from lack of sleep, not being able to bond with baby, not knowing what to do etc etc.

Fortunately I also found quite a bit of good stuff!! In particular from a series of books by Elizabeth Pantley. I highly recommend going to look at this site and downloading some excerpts. She has some great, stress-free, calming ideas!

It was the postpartum depression material that has kept me thinking over the last 24 hours. Depression is in my family genes and I’ve had more than my share! And it seems that PPD is more prevalent in over 40 mums.

I read excerpts from Brooke Shields book Down Came The Rain.
I read about the changes in biochemicals that occurs both during and after pregnancy.
And I read about how over 40 women have become so established in their lifestyles and careers that the life altering changes and loss of independence that come with a baby, have the potential to bring on PPD.

Flower Power Moms blog post about postpartum depression was most interesting.

“McCabe goes on to point out that the likelihood of increased anxiety for older mothers during pregnancy is exacerbated by the medical establishment—a process that augurs an uncomfortable ride after birth and a lack of postnatal bliss.

“This group is also put through a lot more medical intervention—many more tests may be performed and there are often suggestions of abnormality in the baby or danger for the mother.””

Fortunately, even though a part of is concerned that I will be susceptible to it, I find myself optimistically not in the least bit worried!

Firstly, if it does occur, I have wonderful support in both Queen Naturo and King Acupunct who will quickly help to rebalance my biochemcials. I spoke to King Acupunct today at my appointment and he went “no worries!”

He said that the two biggest causes of postpartum depression were the dramatic changes in biochemcials and also the approach of the new mother to the change in lifestyle. He said “you are a ‘glass half full’ woman and much less susceptible to it even taking into consideration the depression gene.” I choose to completely agree with him! :)

In regards to the change in lifestyle, I am welcoming it. I have done all that I want to do with my career. I have travelled, I have soul searched, I have loved and lost and now wonderfully, have loved and won!! I want this change of lifestyle. I want to be at home being a full-time mum and taking care of things around here. I’ve been ready for this change for the last few years!

Also, I don’t have any expectations on what it is going to be like to be a mother. I don’t have any expectations on what our baby is going to be like. I don’t have any expectations on what the first few months are going to be like. This can be one of the traps and causes of PPD. When things just aren’t the way you wanted or expected them to be.

What I do completely acknowledge though, is the loss of independence. That one could really affect me! As well as the complete exhaustion, that will no doubt occur, coming along and taking away my rational thinking that is writing this post right now! :)

But with the support of natural medicine,
with complete awareness of what could happen,
with the acceptance and welcoming of the lifestyle changes that will occur,
with no expectations,
with my half-full glass,
with willingness to accept help,
and with the ability to be able to live in the moment and take things as they come,
I am thinking positive and believe that I will be okay even if the symptoms do come and take over for a while.

Live Peacefully In The Moment

Connecting over 40 mums and mums to be

2010-01-19T19:41:00.001+10:30

Today is a good day for feeling stress-free and accepting of life’s plan!

I like it when a good wave comes along and you just feel fine. Sure, I have a silly cold and am feeling physically a bit blah, but who cares! Today, I feel content in the moment.

I came across a great site today. Flower Power Mom!!

Flower Power Mom is an online blog and resource offering support, tips, articles, information and an e-newsletter for women having children after 40.

I joined her site and not much time later, I received a lovely email from Angel thanking me for visiting and offering support, advice and lots of information on this subject of over 40 mums and mums to be. She also asked if she could list my blog in her soon to be up and running list of links as well as her newsletter this month. How exciting!

I’m excited by the thought of being able to connect with, and support, other woman who are making this journey of becoming pregnant over 40. I hope it is something that will become much more promoted and accepted in our society.

I haven’t come across anyone as yet, who has expressed judgement about over 40 pregnancy. Thank goodness! However, I am also not personally ‘out’ on the subject, nor pregnant yet! Surprisingly then, the subject often comes up, and thankfully with no criticism. Instead, I am often asked if D and I are wanting to have children. To which I politely say, ‘well you never know’!!

The only experience I had recently was not at all directed to me but instead was a conversation by a group of in their 20’s mothers who I was with for a friends birthday. Their conversation was filled about their children, comparing notes about their development and experiences. At one point, they were talking about a sister who got pregnant some time after her previous children – at 37!!!! Oh my goodness, she was 37 they stated in shock and horror! Inwardly, I just laughed!

On the reverse side of that day, was a woman who was 44, met her partner late in life and was quite happy openly talking about how they had just started trying to have a child. Talk about opposites! It was lovely to meet her and ask her about her journey even if I wasn’t able to talk about my own!

So, thanks Angel (Flower Power Mom) for your site and all the work and research that you have done for mums and mums to be over 40. I am looking forward to being part of your community!

Ovulation Testing

2010-01-17T16:34:00.001+10:30

This week I have added measuring my basal body temperature to the morning routine.

We have been using Maybe Baby for the last few months to help us determine ovulation time. It seemed like the best way to do it – through saliva testing. Maybe Baby tells you exactly when you are ovulating through examining saliva in a mini microscope. Whereas with basal testing, the indications of ovulation, through the changes in ones basal body temperature, occur AFTER ovulation.

So we went with Maybe Baby as a more reliable method. However, it just doesn’t seem to be working for me. According to the GYN, I am ovulating now. But Maybe Baby is not telling us that. We get vague signs of it from time to time but nothing concrete.

So, I went and bought a basal thermometer. So far, so good. It’s only been a week and it will take 3 months to really track my temperature changes. But using it in conjunction with Maybe Baby is proving to be a positive thing.

The only other option is urine testing. But the tests are SO expensive and you get maybe 7 tests in a kit. So you have to already be very sure on when ovulation may be occurring and then hope that you got it right. It may be a more accurate method in the actual testing for ovulation, but definitely not for the timing of when to take the tests – not to mention the extreme cost!

Of course, blood tests are the best way to see if you have ovulated. Not helpful for the timing of creating life, but reassuring to know afterwards that you have ovulated! My blood tests take place on Day 23 of each cycle, which will be next week. With the hoohaa of Christmas and New Year I missed doing it all last cycle, so I will have to postpone my fertility clinic appointment for a month. Unless of course, we get pregnant this cycle. Then I won’t have to go have the next ultrasound of injecting dye into my womb to look at my fallopion tubes. Wouldn’t that be good!!!! :):)

I feel more positive about ovulating this month. Signs that I recognise as ovulation in my body have been occurring. I haven’t had these for several months now, so positivity and hopefulness is increasing.

Is that a good thing? I don’t know. I was so upset last month. But I just can’t help being positive and hopeful. It’s in my nature. It’s like not jumping into love, cause you are afraid you will get hurt. You just do it!! And this is the same. I can’t stop being excited about the possibility of becoming pregnant just because it might not happen! In with both feet!!!

5%

2010-01-11T10:29:00.002+10:30

Something different has been occurring the last couple of days. Normally when I get sad, I tend to lean towards certain types of food. But the couple of days, that hasn’t happened. The opposite has been occurring instead. I have found myself leaning toward healthy food, vegetables mostly. I am finding a simplicity and peacefulness.

I wonder how much of it is related to my new book You Can Get Pregnant Over 40, Naturally by Sandy Robertson. I like her chapters on fertility food. I have loved her meditation CD. I truly believe these are helping shift my focus.

And this morning, I have read some encouraging articles about conception and weight. Both articles have said that losing just 5% of ones body weight, highly increases ones fertility. That just seems so do-able. 5%. Sigh of relief. It’s not saying what BMI you need to be, it’s not saying you need to lose 20 kilos, it’s just saying 5%. That feels like no pressure, no expectations, no great demands, no insistence, no stress.

So, I find myself not being stressed by this issue anymore.
I find myself eager to continue listening to the meditation CD and act upon the advice in Sandy’s book.
I find myself feeling calm and peaceful within this sadness that is slowly passing through my system.
I am finding myself turning towards healthier options and being satisfied very quickly.
I am finding myself at peace with feeling healthier in my body. The thought of weight loss has often brought about scary feelings within me. But not today. Today there is just a sigh of release and a welcoming of the new feelings and sensations.

Kiara, my kitty, is sprawled out on the desk as close to my computer (and me!) as she can be. Cats are just so cute. She looks up at me lovingly, so relaxed and contented. She just oozes peace and contentment and stillness. She is such a delight!

She stretches out with her paw and rests it on my arm. Her purrs are loud and soothing. Her eyes are half shut, relaxed and sleepy. She nuzzles in and drifts off into cat dreamland.

She is simply adding to this wonderful feeling that is slowly being generated within me. God bless her!

A new book.

2010-01-08T12:16:00.002+10:30

Many months ago when I first began researching the net for pregnancy over 40, I came across Sandy Robertson’s websites and blogs and her book You Can Get Pregnant Over 40, Naturally.

I wanted to buy the book right then and there. But I thought, no, we are just getting started and we are doing it with the support and guidance of our naturopath and acupuncturist. We will be pregnant in no time!

Now, we are in Cycle 8 and I am delighted to say, I have bought and downloaded her book. Yea!
I am looking forward to reading what she has to say, the guidance and advice that she has to offer. I am looking forward to finding peace in the process once more. I am looking forward to following her advice on nutrition.

I ignore the chapter on weight because worrying about that is only problematic for my stress levels. I already know all the medical stats as well as all the naturopathic healing, support and successful results. The issue of weight in conception and pregnancy, and generally, is not as cut and dry as a couple of paragraphs. Those who haven’t ever had to deal with it, will never really understand the issues involved. There is so much more to it. What is important is being healthy and fit and having all the right hormonal and vitamin balances in the body.

Thus her chapter on nutrition is going to be invaluable to me. Eat well and exercise, reduce stress. Eat more fruit and vegetables. They are important factors in conception and having a healthy pregnancy and healthy baby. Food is the one area that I struggle with and need to manage more effectively. I have so much trouble getting my spiritual and physical self connected. With any luck, Sandy will be able to assist me with this.

She also has a meditation CD that I can download. I think this will also be very helpful for me.

All these things, I hope, will bring about a more peaceful me and a physical me that is more receptive to conception. A healthier me, a more connected me, a more relaxed me, a pregnant me!!

The journey continues…

2010-01-06T17:36:00.001+10:30

There is a lot to put down into words from the last 24 hours. Perhaps a couple of posts would the best way to do it.

Last night saw me have a bit of a meltdown.

All of the following things listed – mentally, I know are just fine. They are all the things of which I have complete mental clarity, understanding and acceptance. None of them are a problem and they all have either my desire to be doing it or my complete support.

Yet, my emotions have taken me a different way. The rolled out in this order:

The winding down and shifting energy after family left from two week Christmas/NY visit,
Working out together, that the week D needs to go out of town for work is my ovulation week,
the results of yet another test,
the build up of 7 months of taking pills, having tests, getting results, tracking cycles and ovulations (or the lack thereof), going to the fertility clinic, naturopath and weekly acupuncture appointments,
not being able to lose weight and continuing to really struggle with healthy eating patterns (my lifelong challenge which only adds stress to my desire to conceive)

The consequence of this was a complete switch in my emotions and hormones – chemical changes fluctuating wildly! And my mental clarity and understanding having absolutely no say in the matter.

D saw something was wrong “Whats wrong, Bloss. Talk to me”.

”I don’t know” I said, “Maybe it is winding down after having family here, maybe I’m sick of trying to conceive”

And on that, I burst into tears. Ah, that is what it is. Now I knew.

This morning I stayed in bed and continued to sleep until midday. That in itself says a hell of a lot as I can never sleep during the day unless I am sick. I got up only when I realised that my other naturopath might have my happy pills that I haven’t had for a few weeks. She did and I went to get them. A little naturally healthy kick of the chemicals that help mood is in order.

She also had another tab that will help with my last test results. So I came home and worked out how many mg and mcg I needed of B12, B6, Folic Acid and Zinc and worked out what I needed to take in order to achieve that. I will check it all with Queen Naturo when she returns from holidays.

Being pro-active with this has definitely helped. I’m not one to want to wallow in these challenging emotions. I have to acknowledge them, I have to feel them and allow them their natural course, but I will also try to find a way out of them. I haven’t felt this depth of depression for quite some time though, so it will take some time I think.

In the meantime, after a day of laying in bed and either reading or sleeping, I am ready to start to do one thing at a time, one step at a time. Right now, I’m going to cut around the stickers that I’ve been meaning to use for a long time.

Next posts – Homocysteine Tests and my new book purchase You Can Get Pregnant Naturally Over 40 by Sandy Robertson.

Finding Gratitude.

2010-01-03T19:25:00.001+10:30

I’m really struggling to find my happy place at the moment. It is possible that external influences are factoring in to it, but mostly I think it is starting another cycle.

So, what I need to do is to be grateful for this latest stage in our conception journey and my life overall. In this way, I can find my positivity once more.

I am grateful for:

the opportunity to continue to move into a healthier way of living.
being able to enjoy NYE with a few drinks.
having D in my life – his love and his support and his wonderful way of being able to find my happy place!
my naturopath and acupuncturist and the support and treatment they are providing.
their 100% strike rate for conception!
being able to begin painting the outdoor setting and to poison the weeds today. (although D ended up poisoning for me!) If I was pregnant or thought I was pregnant, I wouldn’t have done those jobs.
our home and our life together.
my parents.
our pets.
the changes in my work situation this year.
that all our test results were good.
school holidays.
our rural property that we can go to whenever we like.
remembering that when I am struggling, I simply need to focus on one step at a time, one job at a time, one thing at a time.
our brand new Canon SLR and the digital photography course I just downloaded!

So, now I let it sit. Absorb it. Allow it to come to fruition. And eventually I will be back to my usual place of positivity, gratitude and living in the moment.

Day 3, Cycle 8

2010-01-02T14:09:00.001+10:30

New Years Eve was fantastic!! How was your night?? I hope you all enjoyed seeing the New Year and new decade in your most favourite of ways!

About an hour before we left for our property, my period began.

There were some tears and working through the sadness during the two hour drive to our property.

But once we were there, we had a wonderful time!! I was grateful for and greatly enjoyed being able to have a few drinks and cracked open my favourite bottle of red wine – Wolf Blass Grey Label Shiraz. I could have stayed up all night, but by 3am we headed to bed and slept for just a few hours. I guess that’s the problem being an early riser – you go to bed late and still wake up early!! But I woke up refreshed this morning after a wonderful nights sleep.

I need to move back into a place of feeling positive about conceiving and simply going with the flow of life once more. At the moment, I am feeling a little sad and dejected about it. This is the first time I have truly felt this way at the beginning of a new cycle.

After the GYN told me she believed I was ovulating and that all the tests for both of us were good, I began to feel more hopeful about our chances.

Now I need to go back to the stress-free, relaxed, let things come as they do, approach to life and conception that always works well. I think it might be a little harder to find now, but just writing this is helping it to come back just a little!

The last day of the year…

2009-12-31T10:57:00.001+10:30

I can feel it in my bones – 2010 is going to be a GOOD year!!

I don’t know what it is, but as the year is drawing to a close, I am feeling better and better about the next year. Positive, excited, hopeful, eager, at peace.

Is anyone else feeling similar emotions and thoughts about 2010?

We are spending tonight’s celebration at our property in the country. 400 acres of wilderness! I’m so excited about it! It is a REALLY hot day here today and the property is terrible in the heat, so we are going up late afternoon in order to get there around sunset. I have sparklers, glow in the dark necklaces and frisbees and all sorts of other things! Out there in the pitch black they are going to look great!

One great exciting thing to start the year off is that our new Canon SLR camera arrived today!! We are SO excited! I am so looking forward to being able to take really good photos and displaying them on here as well as around our home etc.!

Today is Day 31 of my cycle and we are waiting to see if there will be a Day 1. [My last cycle was 31 days and the two before were 32.] Which means we are also waiting to see whether I will be drinking alcohol tonight for New Year or still being alcohol free. My preference of course is that I’m pregnant! Of course!!

However, if my period comes tomorrow or the day after and I’ve missed out on New Years drinks then that will be disappointing as well!! :) :)

For some reason, I haven’t wanted to do a pregnancy test. We have family visiting and we still aren’t telling anyone about our pregnancy efforts. So, it is a little awkward. And I think a big part of me wants to be able to run around the house and yell out my excitement when the result is positive!! But, the family are leaving on Tuesday, so if there is no change by then, then we will do a test! And hopefully run around in excitement!!

In the meantime, I am feeling good about myself and us and our lives. I am happy in the moment and content with the day.

I like that this is the predominant feeling I have, even though there are some other things going on that I am not happy about. Within the challenges, there is a centre to my being. A growing connection to my spirituality that has been dormant for a little while. And I believe that it is my other blog – Creating Peaceful Thoughts – that is re-awakening this connection with my Spirit and very importantly, allowing me to feel more peaceful and stress-free in order to conceive and grow our child!

So, a peaceful waiting is in order for the next few days. And whether tonight is alcohol free or not, I’m going to have a great time!!

Happy New Year, Everyone!!!

Dear little one,

2009-12-25T10:39:00.001+10:30

To our dear little one to be,

Today has been the best Christmas morning I have had in years. It is the third Christmas that your father and I have spent together, but it is the first one where we have woken up together in our own home, and celebrated with love and opening presents around the Christmas tree.

Grandma P is here also, visiting from Sydney, and it has made it feel like such a special family morning. I am so grateful and happy.

I can’t even remember the last time that I woke up in my own home on Christmas morning and not been alone. I lived alone for so many years before I met your Daddy. I am so grateful and happy to have him in my life. Today I am feeling truly blessed.

And I dream of you. I wonder if you are here already, growing in my womb. I feel such love and strong sense of protection for you. I can’t even begin to imagine how I am going to feel when I know you are truly here, let alone when I hold you in my arms for the first time. What a Christmas that will be, when we can celebrate with you as well.

Grandma and Dad have gone to mass this morning and I have some quiet time for a little while. Soon we will head over to Grandma and Grandpa O and spend the rest of the day with them and the rest of our family. Christmas as normal!

This year though, it is better. There is your Dad, there are thoughts and hopes for you and there is so much more peace in my life. I am grateful.

Merry Christmas!

2009-12-22T17:52:00.001+10:30

Well, no activity on the conception front. We are in the last half of my cycle and just waiting to see what happens.

Naturopath and Acupuncturist are on holiday break, so no appointments.

It’s all very quiet!

So from one woman Down Under to those of you reading – Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Happy Hanukah or whatever greeting you prefer!

I hope you have a wonderful holiday break and a great day on Friday with your loved ones!